I wrote the title of this post on my Facebook this evening, and very quickly a good friend of mine responded that no, yoga is real. She’s right, it is very real, but it is also magic – for me.
Why do I call it magic when every day we are bombarded with study after study of the very real positive effects of yoga?
I wrote a post once Yoga is my sport where I talked about yoga’s benifts in my life physically and emotionally. The post was very true, but yoga is more than that, it’s magic. Yoga creates peace in my whole body, something I didn’t think was possible. Today I have been feeling icky, mostly due to the too much wine with friends last night, but half an hour on my mat made the ickiness disappear. That’s it, half an hour, and it didn’t even take half an hour, by the time I finished child’s pose at the beginning of my practice, I felt the tension, anxiety, and overall ickiness fade away. The rest of my practice was just a reminder that peace was there all along, I just needed to breathe.
I have never liked sitting still, I like movement, put some music on and my feet start tapping, my head starts bopping and my hips start swaying, I love to move, but my whole life I couldn’t find the movements my body was wanting to make. I always felt like my body was trying to express itself only to find it lacking in what it was trying to say, until I found yoga. Suddenly my body couldn’t stop expressing itself and it’s messages were boundless and they were complete – magic.
Of course there are very real reasons as to why I feel like yoga is magic. I am reading a book at the moment Yoga as Medicine written by Timothy McCall, a physician. In it he describes, in detail, the many benefits of yoga and how yoga gives us these benefits – what happens in our bodies. He also give suggestions of various poses that can help with different ailments as used in yoga therapy. While the book is grounded in real studies with real links between the mind and body and yoga, it reads like magic. Why do I say that?
When people think of yoga they often think of bendy bodies in magazines or the Internet, they may think of stretching, a woman’s exercise, or maybe even sweaty yogis in a hot room – before you do yoga, you believe yoga is just movement, or stretching. When yogis tell you that it will change your life you think they’ve been in the hot room for a little too long, or maybe they are following a cult.
Until you do yoga.
In order to see and feel the benefits of yoga, you must do yoga. You can read about it all you want, it won’t seem real – it will seem like magic, until you do it. You won’t see the benefits and even more important you won’t believe it’s benefits,
until you do yoga.
Most people have done some form of exercise before they do yoga. I did. And I knew that jogging made me feel strong, but it also tired me out, killed my knees and gave me shin-splints. I knew that lifting weights helped me build muscle, but it also led to a lot of pain. I also knew that I still had emotional and physical issues even though I was physically active. When I was told that yoga would give me all I had gained from working out (and so much more), replenish my energy rather than deplete it, plus help with my emotional and physical issues it sounded like magic. How could stretching help me gain muscle, help me feel strong, give me energy, and cure me of my emotional and physical issues? That’s just crazy talk!
Until I did yoga.
In the book the author explains while modern medicine can compliment a yoga practice, it is not the only answer. What modern medicine and tradional forms of working out lack is connection. One good example of this that the author uses is the brain. Doctors are taught in med school that the brain has fully developed by early adulthood. Meaning the neurones are fixed and from then on will slowly decline. Only recently has western research discovered that these neurones can be changed with repetitive behaviours. In yoga these repetitive behaviours are called samaskaras. Practicing yoga helps us break old patterns – or developed neurons – into new patterns of behaviour. Whether this means negative self-talk or the 4 pm chocolate bar we must have, yoga helps us change these.
How does it do this? Well, in many ways – one of which is connection. By connecting the mind, body, and soul (or energy) we begin to notice patterns of behaviour that have been on autopilot probably for most of our lives. Ancient yogis knew this. They knew, without research, without scholarly articles, and without modern technology, that connecting the breath with movement – connecting the body as if it is one organic being – helped create change – it helped create new patterns of behaviour – magic.
The author dares the reader to just try yoga, get on a mat, and breathe or do downward facing dog pose. On the first day, the practitioner may just do these poses, shrug them off and continue with their day. But soon enough, that downward dog pose will turn into a chaturanga, and later maybe even a full sun salutation, and the breathing may turn into a meditation. Five minutes on the mat will become, half an hour, an hour, a full session, a part of the daily routine. Soon enough, not getting on the yoga mat will be the hard part. And suddenly the practitioner will realize just how magical yoga can be. Suddenly they will not be able to remember a time without yoga and they will become the yogis urging their friends, even strangers (I’ve done this!) to try yoga just once, I promise you’ll feel wonderful!
Magic!
Of course I realize that none of this is magic, it is real and has been proven. But for me, and I’m sure many other people, the benefits of yoga often are hidden behind ‘barriers’ we have been fighting with most of our lives, and suddenly by getting on a yoga mat and trying this thing called yoga, things we thought could not be changed suddenly are cured, gone, and we are stronger, and we suddenly see that we were strong all along.
I started this challenge with the intention of getting on my mat every day, even on my day off from the mat I meditated (most of the time). I realized this last weekend that this is going to be nearly impossible in the next coming weeks. I had to face reality. There were way too many things to do, that doing a full practice was impossible, I was faced with a dilemma, do I abandon my challenge for the next few days, or do I change what my intentions are.
I felt that I had opposite destructive habits fighting against me while making the decision of how to practice amongst all of the changes taking place. On the one hand I wanted to avoid my mat and all the feelings I was having related to the move. On the other hand I wanted to stand strong and work hard, get excited for the move through powerful and sweat making movements, but I knew that during this time of constant list-making and stress that ‘power yoga’ would push my body to its max.
I decided to take a break on Sunday and reevaluate what it meant to get on my mat – was it just physical exercise (as my ego would like to believe) or was there another way to experience my practice – and what would that look like?
Deep down I knew I needed to get on my mat, not for any physical reason, but because it grounded me. I thought about what it meant to be grounded, I thought of poses that helped me feel grounded. I also needed to lose myself in a rhythm, to have to concentrate so much that the lists that keep forming in my head would have no choice but to fall silent. I needed to just breathe and move. I needed to meditate, I needed to pray. And so I chose to do sun salutations.
I didn’t know how many I would do, or in what order, all I knew is that I would get on my mat, follow my breath with my movement and lose myself in the rhythm. I knew I had a maximum of 45 minutes and that a set of five sun salutations take about 10-15 minutes, so my best option was to do a set of five for each kind of sun salutation: A, B, classical.
Sun salutation A:
Sun salutation B
In between the sets I would add a pose of my choosing, whatever I felt like doing – if anything at all.
Classical sun salutation
It was a wonderful change. It was also a wonderful lesson on the niyama – tapas, or self-discipline. Tapas is not driven by the ego, like self-discipline can be at times, but instead, it is driven by our highest intention, stillness. What does that mean exactly. If self discipline is driven by the ego, then you are more likely to get on your mat to prove something – I can do this pose, I can do more, I can do better. These are not necessarily bad things, but in yoga they can cause physical harm (if you’re not ready to do a certain pose, or your too tired to care about alignment), and emotional stress (if we continuously compare ourselves to others or feel inadequate because we can’t do a certain pose we can never truly be at peace or present on our mat). Working towards stillness means working within yourself. You get on your mat not to prove something, but to learn. You get on your mat every day not to get better at something physically (yoga is never linear) but to learn how great your are already. You get on your mat for yourself, and so in order to do this you need to listen, you need to be honest and present. You need to be willing to look at yourself, your life, and see what it is that you need from your mat today
Through this experience I learned that yoga is not about the difficult postures or the cool combinations – don’t get me wrong these things are great, but they miss the point of what yoga is. We often get caught up in getting better, being better, we compare ourselves to others and ourselves that we lose the point of what yoga is. Yoga is about union – pure and simple. Union of breath and movement, union of mind spirit and body, union between two people, union in life by being present in the moment.
Sometimes change is inevitable, and often times changes will help us learn or be reminded of something. I have been so focused on creating the perfect practice – a lot of variations, a lot of sweat, and a lot of poses, that I forgot about how simple yoga can be. All you need is a mat, your will, and the ability to do a sun salutation. You can even do yoga without being on the mat by practicing the other limbs of yoga that are often forgotten. You can see some examples of these that I have written about in my yoga off the mat challenge: here, here, here and, here. It is really easy to forget these things when we begin to practice. I’ve realized that my ego still has ways of leading the show – whether it’s by feeling guilty for not having time for yoga, or pushing myself because I know I can do more.
There’s a fine line between self-discipline being driven by the ego or by our true intentions, and often times we need a jolt from our routine to help us realize this. But that is the beauty of changes, they allow you to see something that you see every day, but suddenly you see it in a new way. Through changes we grow, and through the changes that are coming with the move, I am learning how yoga has helped me find stillness.
Since my intention this week has been acceptance, I’ve thought a lot about it. I read a quote this morning that opened my eyes to what acceptance really means:
I like that this quote encompasses so much under the umbrella of gratitude. Gratitude is in all things, in our whole life. As I read the quote I became grateful for my intention this week: acceptance.
When we think about acceptance we need to also think about it’s opposite, denial. Our society scratch that, the media and our egos need denial in order to function. Acceptance of the here and now would make it difficult for the media to sell us the better and the more beautiful. Our egos convince us of our weaknesses in order to not be challenged.Denial holds us back in life.
So how does that relate to my intention and my yoga practice?
On my mat denial that I can’t do certain poses scratch that, denial that I am not ready for certain poses, has held me back. On the other hand, not being able to accept where my body is at has also held me back. There is a fine balance between pushing too far and not pushing enough.
This week I have been plagued with back pain. And yesterday morning I knew I needed a break from yoga. At first I was unsure of where this back pain came from, however upon thinking about my week I remembered that the day before, Thursday, I got on my mat even though my body screamed that it needed a break. I believe the back pain stemmed from there, from my denial.
Taking a day off my mat, without even meditation, was very difficult to do. At first my ego screamed at me: get on your mat or else! I ignored these thoughts and eventually peace came over me. I began to see the benefits of taking a day off. My back pain began to subside, I could pay attention to other aspects of yoga other than asana. I began to see that I was not practicing my intention of acceptance by ignoring my back pain. Taking the day off helped me further understand my intention and the role of denial as a barrier to acceptance.
I realized that in order to break down the walls of denial, in order to be fully aware of what acceptance means we need courage. Courage to change old habits, courage to see where the real problems lie. My real problem was not my back pain. My back pain was my body’s way of letting me know somewhere along the way I lost my path. I could have ignored the back pain and done yoga. My ego would have seen that as courage, society would have seen that as courage, but it would have done my spirit and my body no good. We often put others’ needs ahead of ours, we often give more than we take. These are not bad in themselves, but there is a point where we need to see where these actions stem from. If these actions stem from a place of denial – denying yourself self-love, or denying that someone or something is taking more than giving, leaving you empty – is essentially denying your soul and your body of what it needs – self-care and self-love. We find courage by accepting that there needs to be a change – breaking down the barriers of denial.
My back pain may have been a nuisance yesterday, but taking the time to listen to my body and see where the problems were, took courage. Taking the time to change what does not serve us takes courage. It is the only place of growth.
And so, my intention for next week will be just that, courage.. With that my pose for next week will be crow pose.
Since I’m talking about denial I have a confession to make. I have been avoiding crow for quite some time now. I had gotten to a point where I was able to hover for about four breaths (on a good day) but then my wrist started screaming at me. Let’s be clear, I am not dismissing that pain. However, I have been working on core work a lot, and my arms, back, and my core in general have become quite strong due to this. With that, I bought wrist wraps which have helped lot. I’ve noticed it most in my vinyasa, which for the first time ever is painless. However, I remained in denial over crow. I believed that I wasn’t able to do this.
While this is somewhat true, I need to accept the work that needs to be done in order to learn the pose as far as it will take me (maybe hovering for a maximum of four breaths will be my limit but I won’t know until I really truly try). In order to accept, I need to break down the barriers of denial, which have been holding me back. I need to find the courage to face those denials and show up on my mat willing to try openly and objectively.
Refusing to to try, living in a place of denial only strengthens the ego and keeps us that much further from acceptance and courage.
Next time you get on your mat (or do an activity you love to do) ask yourself where am I denying myself growth here? What can I change in order to find acceptance and therefore courage?
In my case just doing yoga, for the sake of doing it was not yoga at all. I needed the back pain and a day off my mat to realize that. Now that I have done that I come back stronger, more open to transformation, more willing to break down more barriers. I come back with acceptance in my truth and the courage to grow from there.
I have never had a good relationship with intentions on my yoga mat. I have the best of intentions (haha) but once I start my practice, the thought or mantra escapes my heart and mind. Instead I focus on alignment and constantly judge whether I am doing a pose perfectly or not. So, this week I decided to change a few things.
The change came naturally. I had read a few weeks ago about focusing on one pose a week. I had dismissed the idea as boring, where would the challenge be? But ever since then I have noticed that my focus on the mat is scattered between proper alignment, balancing perfectly, perfect sequencing, that I can’t meditate. So this weekend I decided to pick a pose that I would work on for the whole week. My pose is toe stand (padangustasana). I also have a pose for thought post on this asana if you just follow the link.
As you all know, I make peak sequences. (I have been debating whether to post them, mostly because I don’t like the idea of someone whose never done yoga hurting themselves from one of my sequences). These sequences focus on one or two poses. I basically work up to them focusing on muscle groups needed to perform the pose optimally, and use counterposes afterwards. I already have a peak sequence for toe stand, and while I have been using it, it has not been my only go-to sequence this week. I free-styled it a lot as well, adding toe stand into each sequence. It’s been four days of toe stand so far, and focusing on this one pose has been phenomenal so far. Coupled with the one pose a week, I have also chosen to do one intention a week as well. As I mentioned above, I have trouble with intentions. I tend to forget, or not really feel them. I decided if I chose one, maybe some insight would come out of it.
This week I chose forgiveness. I chose this intention because I tend to judge myself a lot on the mat and carry those judgements around with me through out the day. On top of that, when I judge myself, I judge myself for having judged myself in the first place – double judgement wammy! And so I decided that each time I caught myself judging my posture, my balance, my body, my breathing … etc on and off the mat, I would forgive myself and move on.
Forgiveness is a difficult concept to understand, at least for me. We are often told to forgive others for having hurt us. But I think forgiveness needs to be earned.
You can’t go around forgiving everyone for everything, why would they feel sorry for what they’ve done, if they’re guaranteed forgiveness? At the same time, we need to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, for having fallen down. Wait, does that make sense? Am I looking for perfection from others?
These are the thoughts I have been struggling with this week. I can’t say I have any answers, but I believe my first step in understanding forgiveness is by forgiving myself first.
Today was the pinnacle of my journey this week. If I had to describe my practice I would describe it like water, fluid. I was in a pretty awesome groove through out my practice. Toe stand is awesome, it has been for a couple of days now. But the real great moments in my practice today were:
Vinyasa – during my vinyasa I moved like a wave. I have seen this done in videos before, and often wondered how people moved through a vinyasa as if their body was a wave. Up until this week I consistently judged my vinyasa from my breath, placement of my hands, downward dog – everything. Today without even wanting to, my vinyasa was exactly that, like a wave. I focused on forgiveness and that silenced my judging thoughts. Without those clouds looming over me my body was able to express itself. My heart was able to shine.
Triangle pose (trikonasana) – nothing significant happened really in terms of the pose itself. Instead it was at this moment that I felt a difference. Triangle came relatively at the beginning of my practice, and in the pose I felt a calmness, a strength that alluded me before. I usually judge myself a lot in triangle, and as I got into the pose I began the process of judgement again. I immediately stopped myself, found my drishti (place to focus your eyes during poses), and thought of forgiveness. In that moment something changed. I knew my journey was going to be different today, I knew that I was onto something, and I stayed with it.
Seated half lotus pose (Ardha Padmasana) – at the end of my practice as I sat in easy pose, I just knew, I could sit in half lotus.
Now, you have to understand, I have really really tight hips. Before yoga even sitting in easy pose (cross-legged) was difficult for me to do for an extended period of time. I distinctly remember feeling so uncomfortable during story time in grade school because sitting this way was painful for me. I also remember my grandma telling me that she too could not sit in that position for a long time, and that because I was like her, I too would never sit comfortably in easy pose. I secretly vowed that one day I would find comfort in a cross legged position. As I placed one foot over my other thigh today, i took a deep breath and thought about forgiveness. I sat in the pose with my hands in prayer position, I closed my eyes and I smiled. I sat for five breaths, changed feet and did the same on the other side. When I finished, I got out of half lotus position and I cried. I don’t know why, but for a few minutes I sat there and I cried.
Past hurts escaping my body
I finally forgave myself a little today.
It seems there is something to this intentions thing, I love this mini challenge I’ve given myself. I also love the idea of a one pose a week, and will continue this for the rest of September.
I used to ignore the pain, figured it was nothing and it would go away. Everyone has an annoying pain right? Is what I often thought.
I actually don’t remember when it started, suddenly it was there, in downward dog, eagle arms, side plank. It wasn’t isolated to yoga either. There were days I couldn’t chop vegetables. And god forbid I need to unscrew something and J was out of town (on the really bad days). But my breaking point came when I was unable to chop mushrooms.
My name is Maria and I’m a recovering ego junkie.
I’m writing this post because I think I’ve been in a bit of denial over this issue. The wrist pain has been an almost daily nuisance since last summer, but I only bought something to support my wrist while doing daily chores two weeks ago. Before then I ignored the pain. I’m not sure what the issue is but I believe all those years waitressing and typing away at my computer for university papers didn’t help.
Awhile back I was in so much denial that I was practicing crow everyday. Talk about ego trip! I realize now I wasn’t listening to my body at all.
I think I was in denial because in my head I thought, maybe this meant I couldn’t do yoga, and that scared me. But this is not the case at all. I know there are days (when I listen to my body) that yoga actually helps. And when I was introduced to poses like dolphin, dolphin plank, supported headstand, and forearm balance, I realized there were ways around my gimpy wrist. All of these poses are done on the forearms. Dolphin is a variation of downward facing dog, but on the forearms. Dolphin plank is a variation of side plank, but again on the forearm. Supported headstand uses the support of the forearms. Forearm balance is another inversion (legs on top of head), the forearms are once again on the mat, but the head is not on the mat, so a variation to a handstand.
But the huge revelation came last night on pinterest. I found a variation to crow.
Here is what crow looks like, for those that don’t know, obviously there is a lot of pressure put on the wrists in this posture.
The variation I found uses the forearms instead of the hands, and so the pressure is completely off of the wrists. The name of this pose is baby crow, the name is even cute!
This means I can add this variation to crow to my gimpy wrist adjustment poses, colour me thrilled!
I’m writing this post because we really need to start listening to our bodies. We live in a culture where nothing is enough, no amount of work is “perfect”, and where the expression “no pain no gain!” Is found not only outside yoga studios, but inside them as well. Yes there are discomforts at times, but there should never be pain, in anything.
Up until recently I had been doing yoga but wanting perfection. I didn’t even realize that was the case. My previous post opened my eyes. After having written it, that same evening, I wanted to try a deep relaxation sequence I had found. I shut off all the lights, lit a candle, put on some meditative music and began. I thought I’d get bored, that it wouldn’t REALLY be yoga. I was wrong, it was yoga, of course! It was peaceful, meditative, and exactly what i needed before bed.
Yoga is not about the sweat, or even about the asanas alone. Don’t get me wrong these are wonderful attributes of yoga, but they are not all that it is. It’s not about perfection of the asanas or your perfect self off the mat either. Yoga is YOU. Yoga is your soul, your essence, speaking to you. It’s about finding your centre, and bringing yourself out into the world, your true self. It’s about change. Changes in your body, accepting changes that surround you, changes of your preconceived notions, it’s about changing the world one asana at a time :). It’s about listening and learning that everything is perfect in its imperfection. You’re perfect, your life is perfect.
Even my wrist is perfect. It’s trying to tell me something and I haven’t been listening. Instead I’ve become accustomed to the ego trip we all have experienced in our culture, and by doing so I have probably made my wrist worse. But that’s ok, I needed this to happen to finally listen. I’ve got my repertoire of variation poses, and J has lovingly ordered some boxing tape for me, to support my wrists during yoga, which should be arriving early next week.
J asked me the other day why I practice yoga every day. I didn’t know how to respond. It’s not that I don’t have an answer, but it’d hard to put into words.After practice this morning it made sense.
Before yoga I had no idea what it meant to be whole. If you asked me I would have told you that I was whole. I was healthy, I exercised, I took care of myself. But I saw my body as parts. My arms were weak and slightly too short, my legs were bulky compared to my upper body, my hair was too curly and wild … .
With yoga I learned not only to be grateful for my health, my body, and my life, but it made me whole. I learned to work with my whole body to get into postures, I learned to synchronize my body, this is from someone who couldn’t synchronize her body enough to ski, or even walk on ice. I learned to trust my body.
A good friend of mine said something to me the other day that has remained in my mind. Yoga is life. Each morning when I get on my mat yoga helps bring me back to the centre of my life. It allows me to see just how wonderful the wold is. Listening to the waves this morning served as a mediation throughout my practice. But I don’t think we need to be at the ocean to feel this connection. The connection is always there, and when we find it, we become a part of it, yoga is a way to do this. We become connected to the life force that connects us all. Yoga helps me remember this each time I practice.
Yes it is awesome exercise and a wonderful challenge (especially now that I made it a goal to learn inversions), but these are just rewards. For the real goal in yoga is to open ourselves up to the connection that links the whole world. Yoga is life. As I look out into the ocean writing this, I see that now. I also see that without yoga, without connection, there is no life. When we, or the world become discomnected we can see it. When I’m disconnected, I feel lost, I have aches and pains, I am depressed, and I can’t find my purpose, or if I do it’s unattainable in my mind. If we become disconnected from Mother Earth we see this too. The recent floods in Canada and India. Tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, the list goes on. We have become disconnected from ourselves, from each other, and therefore from the world. Yoga helps us find this connection once again. I see that now. Yoga is everything, it’s in everything, and it links us all.
Often times in yoga we hear the instructions “use your core strength” for many of us this means using our abs, our back, our pelvis. But it means more. Using your core strength is physical, but it is also spiritual. Connect with yourself, your true SELF, from there you will find your path or purpose. In yoga we can connect to our self in our poses to help us stand stronger, in the fullest expression of the pose that we can muster, with this inner strength we find the ability to tap into our physical strength. It’s all connected. Without the inner strength or confidence we can’t stand fully in the posture. If we don’t concentrate and remain inward, focusing on our own strength we wobble out of balancing poses, we believe we can’t do a pose, we slack where we know we can go deeper.
I remember when I started yoga, I used to slack all the time, in a lot of poses. Even mountain for instance.
I didn’t understand how standing, tail bone tucked, weight on the heels, shoulders back, heart open, looking forward and chin slightly up would help me at all in my practice. It hurt standing that way, it was uncomfortable and I felt like I couldn’t breath, so I would slack. I wasn’t connected with my true self at all then and it showed in all of my postures. Now, with time and dedication, I don’t slack, I go all the way, I push past my comfort zone, past the barriers I put up and find my centre.
I lost that a few days ago. The stress of walking into a yoga studio, and meeting all sorts of yogis, the interruption to my silent practice, led to a lot of confusion. I stepped into a world that I was unfamiliar with, and all of my controlled variables I had put in place in my practice were being tested. At first I failed, I broke against the pressure, and at times I slacked. These last few days I was able to find my centre again, going upside down helped. Now my practice whether overlooking the ocean or in the hot room is a moving meditation. By focusing inward, and linking myself to my core I was able to concentrate and even go deeper in poses I hadn’t been able to deepen at home. It didn’t matter that before class the hot room was a social gathering place (in Canada the studios I went to at least, the yoga room is a silent place of meditation and reflection), it didn’t matter that there was music playing through out practice (I actually learned to appreciate the rhythm) and it didn’t matter if I couldn’t fully express the pose like the person beside me. The practice, was not about all of that. My practice is about finding peace in the midst of chaos, my chaos, or the chaos that often surrounds me living a military life, or life in general.
So why do I practice yoga every day? Because on my mat I’m reminded just how beautiful and strong my body is. It’s not a collection of flawed parts, its beautiful in its uniqueness and it is the means in which my soul communicates with the world. It is a way to connect my core with the world around me. On my mat I find peace and love, strength and compassion, lightness and darkness. On my mat I find life.
It’s the first day of summer, a perfect day to look back on the past six months!
Six months ago I decided to make some changes. J and I had found out that once again the Canadian Military’s promises were worthless, our posting had been cancelled (for the fourth time). Up until that point in my life as a military wife (and before at times) I had defined my world from an outside perspective. I allowed outside forces to determine whether I was happy. I always looked to the past or future to when I was, or would finally be, content or happy. The present, in my mind, was full of stress and worry.
I knew, when J came with the news late in December that our posting had been cancelled, that I had a choice to make. At first, while he was at home for lunch, I showed no emotion, I tried to be as strong and positive as I could for him. But once he left, I knew there was sadness and anger boiling up inside me. I tried to ignore it, but couldn’t. So I decided to give it it’s five minutes of fame. I sat down, put on the saddest song I knew: breaking down by Florence and the Machine, and I let myself cry.
It is also another song on my India playlist – to remind me of that day. It’s ok to breakdown, as long as you come back stronger.
I cried, and cried. After about five minutes of this (it was a bit longer but no more than fifteen) I needed to find a way to stop. I decided to count to ten, and once I reached ten I would stop crying and move on from this disappointment. It’s not that I didn’t have anymore pain inside, because I definitely did. But I also knew that I couldn’t allow myself to continue to cry, and I also couldn’t ignore it. Both of these outcomes would have led to anger, negativity, and never being in the moment. However, by giving myself that fifteen minutes of sheer disappointment, I acknowledged those feelings. By letting go, we find peace.
The act of counting to ten was therapeutic. I was crying, but with no end in sight, no way to change my circumstances. The act of counting brought me closer to the realization I needed, with each number I came that much closer.
That cry changed my life. As I counted I knew at 10 I would need to stop. And slowly something began to change inside me. I had a thought, why not live in the moment? I’m here for another year. I could fall victim to negativity and J and I could feed off of our respective angers and disappointments, or I could move on and let it be. I chose to move on, and instead of writing about our posting (as I was doing on a previous blog before this point), i decided to do something else. I decided to dedicate 2013 to yoga. I would get on my mat every day, and let yoga do what it wanted and needed in order to change my perspective. In other words, I became yoga’s bitch.
Why did I do this?
The fact that I understood that I needed to cry, and the realization that if I didn’t let these feelings out they would manifest into something uncontrollable, all came from yoga. They all came from me getting on my mat and getting to know myself. And so, I dedicated this year to yoga. Before this year, I got on my mat when I could. I had periods of intense yoga (like my summer of yoga last year) but nothing like this year.
I made a pact with myself to do yoga every day, even if it was for half an hour. To go beyond my comfort zone, and let yoga do what it wants with me, what it must in order for me to learn. On days that I couldn’t do yoga (sickness, fatigue, or my mandatory one day no yoga I gave myself) I meditate. Bottom line, whether I meditate or do yoga, every day I take out time to get on my mat. I take out time to reflect on my life, to challenge myself in yoga, and learn.
Six months in, and the changes are not what I expected. I don’t know what I expected, nothing really, but I also doubted that this much could change. Not only has my whole outlook on life and facing life’s problem’s changed, but:
-I am also going to India to complete a 500hr Yoga Teacher Training course
-I have done a 108 Sun Salutations salute to spring which was so rewarding and eye opening
-I have practiced all sorts of yoga: Bikram, Moksha, Ashtanga, streamed sequences, and sequences I made all on my own
-My lifestyle has changed – I eat healthier, I recently gave up meat, there is no longer the mandatory chocolate in my freezer
-I have taken yoga off of the mat and began using concentration, meditation, breathing, and positive thinking through out my life.
-I am doing postures I never dreamed that I would do: crow (still a work in progress), bound side angle pose, warrior I, hand to toe pose, standing head to knee pose, half moon pose, toe stand, I am jumping from downward dog to forward fold (yay!!) the list goes on and on.
In other words yoga went from being a physical exercise, to a vital part of my day, and a vital tool in healing and staying centered in my life.
Before this pact its not that I didn’t do yoga, but I didn’t live it, even on my mat. I was constantly berating myself for not being able to do something, I was afraid of trying anything new because in my mind my body couldn’t be trusted to protect me if I fell, and I didn’t even see my body as a whole but as pieces that couldn’t work together. My thoughts were consumed by negativity, always looking to a better future, and anger. In other words, my ego, doubt, and negativity ruled my life.
I have thought a lot this month of what i would write concerning my journey on this half way point. I even made notes, but they didn’t feel real. This morning, on my mat, was the expression I was looking for, what I was trying to say came out in my yoga practice – not through words but the beauty and peace that has become my yoga practice.
I wish you could have been there, but a description will have to suffice. I practiced a new peak practice this morning. My peak poses were king dancer’s pose and wheel.
This is an image of full king dancer’s pose (Natarajarasana). I cannot do it fully, and I knew this when creating the sequence. My goal was not to prefect it, but to see whether with proper preparation, I could go further into the pose. While I am able to rotate one arm (same side as the raised leg on each leg) I cannot do the other arm as well, my back is not flexible enough to do that back bend. However, I did notice that today my back leg was able to go further than ever before, and my pose in general was stronger.
The other peak pose I used today was wheel Urdhva Danurasasana:
I have never done this pose, I have only attempted it once before, and I didn’t like it, nor could I do it. Today was a test run. I watched a video which instructed step by step how to get into the pose and decided I would try. There are three steps to getting into this pose:
on your back, feet on the ground, palms facing down above your head, lift your pelvic area.
From here exhale and while inhaling lift your shoulders off the ground, with the top of your head still on the mat.
From here (and this is the part I couldn’t do) exhale and while inhaling lift your chest up exhale and get into the posture.
I attempted it three times and each time I couldn’t get past the second step. After the third attempt I decided that my body would not go further and got into savasana. As I lay in savasana, I began to feel bad about myself because I didn’t do my peak pose, but as I began this very old and natural train of thought, I stopped myself.
I decided then: Maria you have a choice here, you could berate yourself and define this practice from this one pose, or you can accept that this is where you are at and enjoy the rest of your practice.
That is when I knew that I have come a long way. All the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. Little things, that I take for granted on my mat, I realized today. I practice every day so it’s hard to remember how far I have come. There are so many things I couldn’t do before, that now are routine. I am not only referring to physical abilities. Not getting on my mat every day (even for meditation) is hard. It’s not that it doesn’t happen (for example on vacation the travel day, depending on how early it starts is usually a non-yoga day). But when it does happen, the next day I jump out of bed ready to get onto my mat. Being mindful, and only speaking the truth and when necessary has also become routine – I have to say this is mostly due to my Yoga off the mat Challenge from a few weeks ago, not just yoga. I can go on and on about all of the changes. I had thought, when I started this year-long challenge that if I was lucky I would at least increase my yoga knowledge on the mat, and maybe do some interesting reading. But instead, I found a whole new perspective, and a whole new way to live, I learned to be happy and at peace.
Like I said before, I have tried though out this month (and last month) to write down how I felt mid-way through, but I couldn’t get what I wanted to say out of my mind and onto the screen, until this morning. It’s as if, this morning everything I had been thinking came out through my movements, and through my peaceful practice.
If I were to describe it, my practice today was a fluid, active mediation. The sequence worked so well that each pose easily led to the next, my breathing was steady and my mind was calm. It was one of the most beautiful moments I have had on my mat up until now.
This is where I am at today in my yoga practice. It is six months in, it’s the summer solstice and when I get on my mat I feel more alive than I ever have.
Making a positive change, no matter what it is, will take you places you never knew possible in your mind and in your heart. That will allow you to see the world from a different perspective. The key, that I have learned, is any change must be taken step by step. There is no magic pill you can take that will bring you this realization. This is because it takes work, and it takes honesty. In order to take the lessons learned on the mat (or whatever activity you choose to do) and apply them to your life, you need to take a good look at who you are, and how you have become the way you are. In order to heal, you need to look at yourself in the mirror every day and learn to love what you see. It’s not about perfecting the pose, or doing the perfect run, or whatever, it’s about giving yourself a chance every day. Little by little, the changes happen without you noticing, until you have a day like today and they all just fall into place.
My father used to sing me this song almost every day when I was a child. I was his first born, and due to his depression, he always said I was the first thing that provided purpose in his life. Once he had children, he found the will to live again.
He used to tell me that because I was his first, I held a special place in his heart. I always knew this, as I also knew he loved my brother and sister as well, but in me he saw the beginning of his awakening. I also think, because I resembled him – not only physically with my black hair and deep brown (almost black) eyes, but also characteristically. I always knew what he was thinking, even when he didn’t voice it, we had a connection that can’t be put into words, and I believe he felt the same from me. I was truly a part of him. This is not to say that he didn’t see himself in my brother and sister, I am certain he did, but with me, I just knew it went deeper, our souls were connected.
Every time I hear this song now, I feel a deep sense of loss, but I also feel something else, a deep sense of love, a deep, wise, knowing that life is bigger and more beautiful than I realized.
This deep knowing which I didn’t understand is what brought me onto my mat, and engulfing myself in it through asana, meditation, pranayama, and compassion, is what keeps bringing me back.
When my father passed away, I was completely lost. I needed to somehow bring him back to life. This was so strong of a need, that even leaving his grave site was difficult, I felt like I was abandoning him, that I was abandoning some essential part of me. So I vowed to become him. I vowed to love life as much as he did, spread joy as he did, love with all my heart as he did. However, back then, I was afraid, and I didn’t know how to do this without his protection, without knowing that if I let myself be, and fell down, that he would be there to pick me up once again. And so I retreated into myself, into my fear.
I believe that is when I truly got lost, because I closed off an essential part of me. What I didn’t realize was, he was always with me. I didn’t allow myself to live and feel that, and so I felt alone, isolated.
I realize now, that by opening myself up to life, love, exploring, I have recaptured that light. I also realize that by living, by exploring and learning, by connecting with others, I spread that light, and I keep him alive inside me. By allowing myself to love, to connect with others, I am embodying his spirit, I keep that part of me alive, and so he never really is gone.
By practicing compassion, we begin to see that we are all connected. The light within all of us, is the same, we just express it differently. No one really dies, since they live on in the light that is in all of us. We are all connected by our humanity, and if we truly want to keep someone’s memory alive all we have to do is live, love, spread happiness, be compassionate to others, and the love we felt for those that have gone remains, and we realize it was never really gone.
It’s Tuesday night, I’ve done some reading on my upcoming week and I have a clearer picture of how it’s going to work. I’ve already discussed the ideas in my previous post. No complaining (add to that gossiping), no negative thoughts towards others, show compassion.
As I mentioned in a previous post, complaining about things to people, and to myself was one focus during this week. I used the challenge discussed on pranaandpie.com
Here’s a quote that I read on prana and pie:
“Things happen objectively. They come with no labels. If traffic didn’t slow your progress it wouldn’t be traffic. If poor drivers didn’t drive poorly, they wouldn’t be fully expressing themselves. Think about it. The point of yoga is to accept life as it is, and by doing so you can shape your future. However, when the present is happening, it’s happening – and we can choose to embrace it or complain about it. Complaining only hurts us and doesn’t change a thing expect our mood.”
I also read about something called sauca off of theyogaroom.com. Sauca basically means cleanliness. In terms of my challenge, I am focusing on mental purity and clarity. In order to cultivate this I will be using my breath on and off my mat, and more specically, off my mat observing thoughts/reactions that come up throughout the week, acknowledging them, but letting them go as well. By letting them go my goal is to find awareness of where these thoughts come from, why do I react this way, and deal with the real issue rather than complain, name call (in my head), or gossip. Also connected with sauca is the purity of our words, this again is connected to complaining and gossip.
Come to think of it my whole challenge has been focused on this limb of yoga: sauca. Cleanliness is such a general word, what this limb of yoga refers to is overall cleanliness, this includes bathing, brushing your teeth … . In terms of my challenge my first week was clean eating, that too is a form of sauca. Since food is meant to nurish the body, I eliminated foods, and beverages that had no purifying effect. The second week was negative thoughts about myself, again a form of sauca since this pollutes the mind. And this week, negative thoughts about the world around me, sauca again since negative thoughts can pollute the environment we live in. How wonderful that I was following a limb of yoga without even realizing it.
Lasater has again helped me focus my challenge, in her book Living Your Yoga, in the chapter compassion.
In this chapter Lasater talks about the restraints in yoga: non-harming, tupruthfullness, non-stealing, chastity and giving rather than greed. In her chapter Lasater focuses on compassion, and while I will use this in my challenge I will add, non-harming as well (kind of goes hand in hand). In the chapter Lasater points out that in order to be compassionate to others, one needs to first be comapssional with him/herself. This is why I chose to look at my thoughts last week and now my perception-attitude/communication with the world.
Day 1 Wednesday
This morning I chose to do my 1 hour moksha yoga sequence that I have in iTunes. It was interesting that I chose this sequence since the instructor’s main theme through out the practice is bringing the peace we find in our posuters with our breath into the world. If breathing is neglected in any yoga posture the body becomes strained, shoulders may lift, muscles tighten, and generally it doesn’t fee very good. The same thing happens when we are stressed or annoyed, when we are in a traffic jam or behind a slow driver, we tense up, we don’t feel good, we feel stress from our muscles to our emotions. Breathing in yoga not only helps you feel the posture better, get a sense of peace, but is also an important lesson in life.
As the instructor points out in awkward pose,
you are in a pretty stressful situation right now. Your body is stressed. If you can finds peace in the posture by using your breath, you are doing yoga. If you can bring tha peace into the world when you are in a stressful sitatuation you are doing yoga. That right there is my key for this week.
I need to learn to bring what I find onto the mat into the world. I can do this by remembering to breathe and see what the reality is in this moment without judgement or anger, accept it for what it is, and remember that we all carry a burden, and to find me in everyone I meet, because ultimately we are all connected.
I noticed a lot today, and it was really hard not to judge myself. I was running late this morning and so I was already in a bit of a cranky mood. In my rush to get out the door I managed to spill hot tea all over my hand, and the fact that I was running late already I immediately convinced myself the universe was having a good laugh at my attempt at this challenge. I must say I let my stress get to me on the road, and made some unpleasant remarks to other drivers. But each time I did (I did it more than once even though I was trying to not do it) I managed to not judge myself. I would begin to and I stopped myself each time, took a deep breath and tried to see that each person on the road was also trying to get somewhere.
However, today got me thinking about the amount of times a day we do make judgements, and also what we allow others to bring into our lives. For instance, gossip. By nature, I don’t gossip, I think it’s a waste of energy and time, but how often to I sit and listen to someone gossip because I don’t want to be mean? How often do I hear others complain about something they can’t change and allow them to have their rant, which later affects my day? It’s one thing to talk to get something off your chest, its another when the subject is the same day in and day out without any action to change. So how do I not allow these things to affect me, but still be a giving person?
Case in point, this afternoon I had to be present for my students’ 30 year annivsary party for their company. One of my students began talking about colleagues of hers to me. While I don’t know these people, I didn’t know if I should stop her or not. I decided not to, but I didn’t perpetuate the conversation, she said what she needed to say and we changed the subject. I think I handled it the best I could without being rude.
Another thing I thought of today was in order for this to succeed I need to practice compassion, and that might make it easier. Because if I do take a step back, breathe through something or someone that is bothering me, I might see that they were not put in this situation to annoy me, that they too have their worries, and problems, and to not allow this to dampen my mood, but also to not judge them because they are having an off day either. Lastly, not judge myself for reacting a way I wish I hadn’t. So this week is about changing my patterns, but also observing and seeing where they come from, and maybe by doing that I’ll be able to change the behaviour enough that it will change me. Just like in yoga, we fall out of poses, we physically can’t do poses sometimes, but we continue to get on the mat, and we observe what our bodies and mind are trying to tell us. By observing we learn to adjust, and slowly the pose that was impossible suddenly is possible and fun.
Day 2 Thursday
Today I practiced the full series of ashtanga. This series is one of the more traditional forms of yoga. Originally, and in many ashtanga schools, you are only allowed to practice up to the point that you are no longer able to do the poses. However, some schools, including the video I have, allow for adjustments.
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The first time I practiced Ashtanga was during my previous yoga challenge, Summer of Yoga challenge, and after the practice I laid on my mat and cried, because the series was such a challenge for me. Up to that point I had been doing bikram yoga every day, I had become familiar with the postures, I felt confident and strong in them. By doing ashtanga I was stepping out of my comfort bubble, allowing myself to fail at some poses, in some cases even sitting out of poses, it was very difficult. I was dissopointed at times, frustrated, I wanted to change my mind in the middle of the practice and do bikram, but I didn’t. I stuck to my decision, I forced myself to stay on my mat and finish it, and looking back, even when I was crying, I knew I had done the right thing. Even though I couldn’t do some of the postures, I proved to myself that change, challenges, stepping out of my comfort zone is not something that is impossible, it’s possible, and its the only way I will grow as a person and in my practice.
So today, I did the full primary series again. I was ready for some negative thinking, self-judging thoughts, but they never came. I went with my pace, I followed the instructions, I did what I could, modified when necessary, and it ended up being a very positive experience. I can even say most of my postures have come a long way. I’m really glad I chose to do this today. It opened my eyes to how valuable this challenge is, my train of thought has changed. Only a few weeks ago, I would have definitely judged myself, and attempted to convince myself to give up. I am pretty happy this morning.
Looking at my decision to do ashtanga today, is quite telling. The series is quick flowing, there are not many moments in which you remain in one pose, it is quite fluid, and so can be challenging physically and mentally. It kind of works the same way as my off the mat challenge in that way. I am asking myself to behave differently, to change my perspective for just a week and see what happens. This is challenging through out the day, but I keep on going. At times, I want to give up, and sometimes I do fall down, but I keep on getting back up. I got out of my comfort zone.
Today, I was able to see, on my mat, the affects of getting out of my comfort zone – growth, learning, a new perspective. That is want ashtanga gave me today.
While driving, I had a moment. I was at a junction on the road in which a two lane 90 zone area merges into one lane. Here in Saguenay, this means that certain drivers speed up to crazy speeds in order to get to the merge first, even though most of the time they still have to press on their brakes when merging due to traffic. This can be quite irritating on so many levels – the stupidity of the act being the biggest annoyance, not only is it a waste of everyone’s energy but it is very dangerous to everyone as well. In the past, I have to admit, I did not react well to this sort of situation. Today, I noticed a change. While I was coming to the merge (I was basically on it) I noticed a car coming from behind on the other lane very very quickly, I was sure he/she wouldn’t make it, but they sped up and passed me at the last moment. As they passed I had an urge to voice my annoyance by honking my horn and saying some very unpleasant things. But I stopped myself, I took a deep breath and continued on my way. I could have said something mean that they wouldn’t even hear but would instead bruise my own positivity. But instead, I chose to think: this is my reality, I can choose to allow this to bruise me, or I can move on. I chose to move on, and didn’t give it another thought. Progress? I think so :).
Day 3 Friday
The tendency to judge is so easy, especially to ourselves. If we see something done differently we automatically make a comparison, or judgement based on our experience. It’s a very difficult thing to try and change. However, once you realize that everyone expresses themselves through their uniqueness, the same situation doesn’t seem so foreign any longer, but a quality you admire in a person or something you like about an experience. I noticed this through out today. When my mind would go to automatically make a judgement I would stop myself and realize that this person wouldn’t be expressing themselves fully without this quality, or this situation wouldn’t be what it was without this of that. We make of it what we want. We can choose to be threatened, afraid of change, closed to a new experience, or we can take it for what it is and appreciate what it has to offer.
When you judge someone or something you immediately close off any connection that you could have made. The situation or person becomes “other”. It is the ultimate ego-centered way of thinking. You cannot love, connect, or grow from seeing the world this way. Every creature, every experience, has its beauty, it’s simplicity, it’s lesson. The ego attempts to control by labeling everything from one perspective.
This can be brought onto the mat as well. I practiced ashtanga again this morning, but before making that decision, I had tried to convince myself myself not to practice ashtanga because some poses are missing, and there aren’t very many balancing postures. I tried to convince myself because I have labeled a certain kind of yoga, as the ultimate yoga experience. But I know this to not be true. I have taken so many different kinds of yoga classes before, and each of them have their benefits, their learning experience, and their own specific beauty and reasons that bring me to my mat every day. I labeled ashtanga as a yoga that is lacking, because I do love balancing poses – they offer so much depth and learning, but also because it’s a challenge, it’s an “other” compared to my more familiar practices. I realized this morning that ashtanga may be lacking in balancing postures, but it has something else to offer, a deep connection to the breath, a sense of meditation, and a challenge of misconceptions of what my body can and can’t do. I realized this morning that while ashtanga is a challenge, by following some modifications to the more difficult poses I am unable to do, the impossible becomes possible.
By opening my mind without judgement I allowed myself to see the beauty in something different and new. That is what this week is about. Allowing myself to open my mind to something or someone different, I allow myself to see the beauty and not close myself up in a cage of misconceptions and judgements.
Day 4 Saturday
I practiced ashtanga again, it seems to relax me even though it is very challenging. I feel light afterwards, free. Today I also practiced meditation after practice. I read that when practicing sauca it is advised to meditate watching a candle. This is done for cleansing purposes, stare until your eyes water in order to cleanse your eyes, but I used it for focus as well. Today I meditated on what I had written about yesterday. Instead of seeing others from my perspective, learn to see that the light that I invasion inside me is also inside everyone else. We are all connected by this light, our humanity, and to see that everyone espresses that light in their own unique way. But the light remains the same, love, and so each person, is expressing the same thing but in a different way. It is by seeing the light, the uniqueness in everyone I meet, that I will see myself in everyone.
I watched a video last night before going to bed about karma. The video (find link below) answers the question how to get good karma. The word karma means action. We are constantly making choices, as Deepak Chopra says, we are choice makers. This is the the way we create karma, by conscious choice making. Most people are prisoners of karma, because they are not consciously making choices, instead they are making choices based on conditioned reflexes. For example, getting annoyed and angry in a traffic jam, or muttering negative comments in the grocery store because someone is taking up the full isle. If we continue to make unconscious choices we will have predictable outcomes in our lives, negativity attracts negativity. But if we decide to make a conscious choice, we always have a choice, we can begin to change these predictable outcomes, we can create happiness, positivity attracts positivity.
This is essentially what yoga is about, and more importantly what this challenge is about. When you choose to get on your mat every day and listen to your body, you will make changes. You will feel the tension, and attempt to release the negativity. At first we do this only on the mat. But slowly and with time we begin to see that we can take those same principles on the mat and apply them to real life, practice yoga off the mat. It is with this conscious choice that we begin to see real changes in our lives. We also see that the stress, unhappiness, negativity we felt before, were caused by our conditioned reflexes. They were caused by our ego-centric view of me against the world. We did not see that we are all connected with humanity, we are all attempting the the same thing, to express our uniqueness to the world, to live, to be happy. We can help each other by spreading happiness rather than negativity, and through this conscious choice, we will create good karma.
I realized something today I have had a cold for the last three days, and not once did I complain or feel dragged down by it. This is a great achievement for me. In general, when I get sick it consumes me. I complain about it, I feel trapped by it, and everyone hears about it. No one knew these last few days that I was sick. When asked how I was, I would reply great, and I truly meant it. Being sick didn’t inhibit me in any way. On top of that, in only three days I feel completely fine. Usually when I get sick it lasts long, probably because I was so consumed by it. This is truly a huge step for me, and further proof that by changing your mindset just a little, your whole world shifts in a new direction.
Sunday day 5
I was just starting to do some housecleaning and I realized something. I HAVE complained this week, of things everyone complains about, probably most of us don’t even notice:
I was just vacuuming the couches (I have the most lovable cat a girl could ask for, she is my best non human friend but she is a long-haired cat)
I have learned there is a dear price to pay for her beauty. I was just complaining of how long it is taking me to do this chore, and how her hair, on the couch, looks, feels, and acts like cob webs. I often complain about this while vacuuming the hair off the couches, but today was different. Instead of allowing that thought to dwell inside me and create negative energy, like I usually do, I reminded myself of the special relationship my cat and I have, and how I wouldn’t have it any other way. Cleaning her hair after that was not a chore and the annoyance was gone.
This morning after yoga, breakfast and doing the dishes I began my morning rituals : brushing my teeth, face, making the bed. And as I was brushing my teeth I thought : my god my hair is so fizzy, I wish I didn’t have such frizzy hair. I probably complain about my hair in some way on a daily basis. I noticed this morning as I said this mantra that replays in my head every day, I felt ugly, because of one comment : The power or words/thoughts. But again, I noticed what the thought did. It’s not just a thought, once we think something negative we change our perception. In this case I saw ugliness staring back at me in the mirror. The truth of the matter is, I had just finished yoga, of course my hair was frizzy, but that doesn’t make me ugly. My hair is unique and a part of who I am.
If comments to myself change my perception of chores and even myself, what does negative communication do for relationships. By gossiping and complaining I believe we limit our communication. Instead of making a real connection, we make a superficial one. Instead of seeing that I have a wonderful companion in my cat, I see hair on the couches and chores which lead to negativity. By being more present in our routines, like vacuuming, or our connections with people we become isolated, angry, and negative. Today I choose to happily take care of my cat, see beauty and uniqueness in the mirror (even with frizzy hair), and make real connections with people.
Some great revelations today.
Day 6 Monday
I had a strange day today. I don’t know if I can fully describe it, but I’m going to try. I took a break from yoga today. I try to do this every so often: if I can feel my body needs this, or if I need to find a new perspective. On days that I do take a break I usually meditate. Since I’ve been doing a lot of readings on chakras, and understanding the self this week, I decided to do a chakra meditation. It went well, however, progressively through out the day I felt as if I was losing perspective. I felt as if I was gradually moving away from my center, from my truth. Nothing really happened to cause this.
One thing that did change was that I hung out with some friends. For the last few days I’ve been at home, almost in a meditative state, and today I went out into the world. I still felt onnected to my challenge, but not centered. I came home and decided to mediate again, and I’m still feeling off balance, almost as if I have allowed something in, I’m not silent in my thoughts any longer. I don’t see this as a setback, it’s reality, we need to be able to remain centered or try to at least, in all situations. It might be this way because I didn’t have my usual focused yoga class this morning.
One thing I do know, this challenge has opened my eyes. I see now that gossiping, complaining, and negative talk causes us to not fully communicate. We use these mechanisms to not deal with reality, to blame others. We create artificial connections with people that mean nothing. This week I have made some deep connections with people, I have communicated with them fully, and felt a connection. I also believe that this has helped people communicate effectively to me. I feel more respective to listening without judgement, and I feel that too has made a big difference.
After having written this, I decided to put my one day no yoga rule in the garbage. I could feel I needed to do yoga, I needed to find my center. I improvised, and ended up doing a lot of balancing postures. I did a flow of warrior, three warrior two, reverse warrior, and triangle. I felt a strong sense of power and stability in reverse warrior.
I usually avoid reverse warrior. I feel tense, tight and stressed in this pose. Any good yoga teacher will tell you, the poses you don’t want to do, are the poses you should do. I know this, and every so often I choose to do reverse warrior, but always feel defeated by it. Today was the first time I felt a sense of stability and power. I believe it has to do with my focus on being more positive. This challenge has really helped me hone in on my strengths, which has helped me shed light on how I limit my own emotional growth. This has also shown me how these negative modes of common cation to myself, and the world, work to cover this strength and power will negative energy, which makes me feel powerless and weak.
Another pose I chose to do that I usually avoid was standing head to knee pose. Once I chose to do it I could sense a slight sense of panic. That sense of panic told me I needed to do it, so I did. Even though I fell out of it (I got my head to my knee on both legs and immediately fell out) I realized something. The point is not keeping centered, that’s impossible when you step out into the world. The point is remembering, it never leaves. It’s always there, and we just need to find it. We will find it in strange times, like today in standing head to knee and reverse warrior, but we will find it, if we just look hard enough.
This is a theme that reoccurs in my blog, and during this year of living yoga. This is something I need to remember. I recently chose the song that I have chosen for my journey to India this year. While I will not reveal the song just yet, this lesson is the reason I chose it. To remember this lesson.
Day 7: Tuesday
This week has been pretty revealing, and yesterday topped the cake at how I allow things to affect me, and rather than deal with the issue I allow it to grow inside me. Someone once told me “assuming makes an ass our of you and me” I have a tendency of assuming things. This often gets me into trouble, since once I assume I create a background story to why this event is happening this way, or why this person is acting this way. I cause myself a lot of stress and heartache on something I made up in my own head. I wrote about such an occasion yesterday with my sister. It opened my eyes to how often I assume things and negativity grows inside me, takes over, and stress occurs.
Today was pretty uneventful, I basically was at a loss of what to do next on my challenge. I didn’t want to veer too far from this week because I am only just beginning to notice patterns in my behaviour. One other such pattern is organizing my house. Now, my house is not dirty in any way, I try to keep it as clean as humanly possible for someone who would rather research, do yoga, and read rather than clean, but I am not organized.
At the moment I am in my office and there are papers scattered everywhere. I have a pile on the floor beside me that is designated papers for recycling, I have post it notes all over the desk with various grammar concepts, phone numbers, yoga mantras for when I am on the phone with a negative person (that actually helps), yoga dvd’s, and some grammar and attendance sheets from my last remaining English class.
I have been meaning to organize my office for the last three weeks, and every time I go to do this, I search something interesting about yoga on the internet, write a blog post, read an article from facebook on yoga, research India … I can seriously waste hours not doing my intended task, but research, write, read instead. There are many more patterns of behaviour that I have witnessed this week, and so I want to focus in on these mundane behaviours that actually create negativity and stress in my life. So here I am again in my office not cleaning, but researching. I found an interesting concept which I would like to use for my next week of my challenge.
We have all been conditioned though our life experiences to react certain ways, define how we perceive the world we live in, these are called samskaras. They are basically repeated behaviours which reinforce our habits, and views of the world. This can be seen in all facets of life, even on the mat. Has anyone ever practiced and realized that in a very common posture they were not REALLY there? I have this happen to me often in downward dog, i realize at the end of practice that not once did I pay attention to my pelvic wall, or my arms during downward dog, which probably means I wasn’t doing it properly. Another example is expecting bad drivers on the road and always coincidentally coming across them – again this can be seen on the mat. We bring all of our habits onto the mat – fearing bad drivers, or challenges in life means you will fear challenging postures on the mat (anyone remember my difficulties with crow and plough – huge aha moment here!).
I found a great article (many actually but one that I will use for my challenge) laying out steps of focusing in on your samskaras.
The first step is to set an intention on the mat
Each day I am to set an intention to focus on that day: for the example of my office space I would consider how I would feel if my workspace was clean and organized. I would consider what things I could do to make this happen – how to organize the cleaning process so I don’t become overwhelmed, and how to stay focused (keep the computer off is one example) and set my intention of completing that task that day. This will follow all sorts of behaviour that I have witnessed, and have become habitual on my part. Another example could be leaving late from home and blaming drivers for being in my way. By doing this, I will hopefully start to identify my habits and begin to change them and “break the samskara cycle”.
Step 2: Slow down because I am not working and I live in an area of Quebec that is not so quick paced, I am going to change this one a bit. Instead of slowing down, I am going to go wifi free, of unplug myself from the never ending world of internet procrastination.
What this means is I am going to have one hour a day (maybe by the end of the week more) without internet: no ipad, no netflix, no computer. I will read (a real book so I can avoid playing on my ipad or turn off my internet access on my ipad – I will need to make sure I don’t cheat here) or sit and sip some tea. I spend all of my time researching yoga and india, reading and answering emails, bumming around on facebook, literally staring at a computer screen most of teh day, and if I am not doing that I watch a show in my ipad or netflix, or do yoga. Taking one hour a day tuned out will help me focus on my thoughts, contemplate my challenge, and just be with myself.
Step 3: keep a log
I will chronicle my days to see where my energy goes – what are my habits – starting tonight (after having written this post) I am going to begin a log listing where my day goes. I will not post this log but will highlight insights on what I notice about my days. I will not judge myself on where my time goes, but instead notice the patterns and begin to change them (or attempt to at least).
I will also notice my habits on the mat and chronicle these as well, and will be meditating a lot this week to keep myself focused and centered. Wish me luck!
On a side note this will be the last week of my challenge due to a family responsibility I have in Montreal starting next Friday. Once I meet J in Montreal to help him out with something family related, I would like my focus to be on him and his family rather than myself and my challenge, and so my yoga off the mat challenge will be ending next Tuesday (since I leave later that week for Montreal).
So this week is a challenge on my thoughts about myself. The things I say to myself through out the day, that become the definition of who I am. So in mediation, while I wanted to quiet my mind, I also wanted to pay attention to what my thoughts actually were. Because I wanted to concentrate on my thoughts at first my mind was going a mile a minute, I can’t even remember one single thought from the begginning of practice. After a bit I decided to try and visualize something in order to calm my mind. I visualized a lit candle, with a black background and the candle made a wonderful light around it, yellow on the interior and red on the exterior. That helped a lot.
However, I did find myself adjusting my posuters, and as Judith Lasater in Living your Yoga asks, whose voice is adjusting you in your mind? When I first read this I thought how strange, obviously it’s my voice (but I wasn’t practicing at the time). Today, I realized it is the one voice that I have always wanted comfort from and did not get it, instead I got crushed. I don’t feel comfortable revealing who this is, people that know me will know. I am surprised that it is this voice, the voice I have tried to reason with so many times only to find my face in the mud each time, and it is this voice that is analyzing my postures. There were two postures in which I felt negativity bow and plough.
I realized today that I am pretty critical of myself in bow.
I never really paid attention to my thoughts before (not so much at least) and today it wasn’t just that I was saying I can’t do it, I believed it, and it hurt (emotionally). But what I don’t see, is that as I repeat these words “i can’t do it”, I am in fact doing it. I might go deeper some days, and some days not so deep, but I am doing it, I should give myself that credit. Once I identified the dialogue I attempted to be more positive, but just saying the words isn’t enough, I need to believe them – first real lesson this week.
In plough, I really, really didn’t believe in myself which is strange since this pose has become one i do in my daily routines.
My inability to believe in myself was so strong that I couldn’t do the pose at all. I flung right out of it (which by the way is never a good way to exit a pose – always slow and with your breath). It was really heartbreaking, and I really believe it has to do with the doubt I experienced last night, doubt in myself.
Well meditation was useless this morning. I use this word fittingly since it was a word I repeated to myself throughout meditation – this is useless, I am useless because I can’t do this. My mind would not quit. I tried visualizing the candle, it didn’t work. I tried changing my thoughts the negative were louder. But I remained in position the entire time so I guess it wasn’t a failure.
Even though today proved to be very difficult, I did learn something. I could repeat the words “I can” over and over again, but unless I believe it, it will never work. It’s about time I start believing in myself. No harm done though, this is just the first day, tomorrow I will begin again.
Day two – Thursday
Well I got my period early this morning. I debated even getting on my mat due to the hellish cramps, however I figured my best bet was to do my restorative practice meant to alleviate period cramps (and for very stressful days). I knew right away that I would have a hard time, not because of my cramps, but because I would push myself too much, and would see the passive poses as wimpy. I noticed right away in my side stretch from my low lunge that I wanted to lift my back leg, make it more strong. Obviously I did not, my body screamed no, but my mind (or shall I put it, my ego screamed yes). I fought that urge the whole 30 minute practice. Even when I could not hold the forward stretch any longer and decided to go into wild child’s pose (the only pose I felt any relief in this morning) I had to remind myself to not be judgemental, this is where I am at today, and I’m ok with that. On a positive note, reminding myself helped the ego voice calm down and leave my body alone.
I decided to do a laying down mediation again this morning since sitting up for 10 minutes seemed like torture with my cramps. My mind wasn’t so chatty this morning, but it did wander to some very random thoughts at times. I tried a mantra mediation this morning repeating “I am perfect just as I am”. But during practice, in wide legged seated stretch pose, I remember thinking that my arms are too short, my hips are too tight, I’m slouching … etc generally just seeing all the negative in my body, so how can I repeat this mantra and expect to believe it? It’s hypocritical since a few minutes earlier I believed and thought the opposite.
So in order for me to actually be ok with where my body is at, I need to make some changes. We live in a culture where you have to strive to be better always – look like the models posing in various poses on the Internet, look fabulous in hot yoga shorts, look calm and beautiful in every pose, never fall, do it better, no pain no gain, etc that it becomes impossible to think any other way. Just like Lasater says, in order to live your yoga you need to accept yourself for where you are at, thank yourself for trying your best, and that you got on your mat. Come to your mat with gratitude not with the goal of “change” just having that goal is saying that there is something wrong with how I am at the moment. Yes I want to do better, yes I want to one day get into crow as if it were the easiest pose in the world, but that will not be done with the no pain no gain mentality, it will be done with love and gratitude.
I realize I have been fighting with myself all day. I tend to feel anxiety at the beginning of my cycle, it’s not always, but every so often it hits. It’s usually when I have the worst cramps. This month is one of those times. All day I have been anxious, and I have been willing myself to not be that way. But the fact of the matter is, I am. Instead of forcing change, why not listen to myself? That is the whole goal for this week’s challenge isn’t it? By forming change I have been sending the message to myself that something is wrong with me. But nothing is wrong. This is how I am in this moment, and while I can’t change that, I can learn from it.
I read a book once (I can’t seem to find the title anywhere on my iPad) that stated that during a woman’s cycle (before and during the period) a woman is more introspective, she won’t have a lot of energy due to her body getting ready for her cycle, and will feel drained, stressed, depressed, etc. the author asks that during this time the reader take the time to take care of herself. Instead of fighting through anxiety, or tiredness to get the chores done, know that during that week and a half or so, you won’t do chores (do them before). Instead during that time do what feels right, if that means doing the thing you love most but never have time to do – write, read, cook … Etc. do that. She definitely advised to write during this time, because it is usually during this time that we resolve issues we haven’t dealt with because we’ve been busy.
I started to do this today by minimizing the amount of cleaning that I did (I had a lot planned) and instead took my time and let my body lead me, when I needed a break I took a break. It’s time I start listening, not only to my thoughts but what my body is trying to tell me as well.
Day three – Friday
I did my hard postures day today. I was feeling much better this morning and felt up to the challenge. As Lasater suggested I paid attention to my self dialogue. I am becoming more conscious of it, and did not correct myself in a harsh tone, however I am very negative in crow pose.
Right when I prepared myself I thought, I can’t do this, i will fail. How can I ever expect to do this pose when I believe I can’t. I see now why I fall out even after a couple of breaths, because I don’t believe that I can. The same problem that I described in an earlier post, I have no faith in my body. In this case, I believe my lower Half of my body is too heavy for my tiny wrists. That may be the case right now, but I can eventually do it if I practice, believing that one day I will gain the strength. Right when I changed my train of thought to more positive statements I stayed in the pose, and pretty steady. Achievement? I think so.
Today in mediation I repeated a mantra. I read somewhere once that in order to heal self-judging thoughts, or negative thoughts you should try saying “I love you” in front of mirror. I decided to try this for a few days (the article said to do it for a month). The first day I sat in front of the mirror and couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I thought at first it was because this was weird saying it to myself. But after a few days of trying I realized that it might be weird, but that shouldn’t stop me from saying it, why couldn’t I say it? I’d open my mouth ready to say it and nothing came out. The first time I ever said it, I blurted it out, really fast, as if the words had no meaning. I tried again the next night, I took a deep breath and this time said it slowly, as I said it tears started to well up in my eyes. I realized then, that maybe I had been too harsh with myself.
Yesterday I read an article on the same subject, more focused on the heart chakra. It suggested repeating a mantra during a yoga practice centered around the heart chakra: I love you, I am love. I decided to use it as my mantra in meditation. At first I thought the words, but it didn’t seem to be real. So I said the words (since I’m home alone it didn’t seem strange, except my cat meowing at me) once I began to say the words I felt something. I also thought of something. I should be saying this to my heart or soul, and immediately an image of me as a child popped into my head, and I said those words to her. It was an emotional experience. I’m not saying I was never told that I was loved as a child, because I was, but there was also a lot of pain and confusion in my life, and there were often times that I felt I was the reason why so many bad things were happening, and if I was the reason, then surly I couldn’t truly be loved.
Let me explain:
For a long time at the beginning of my relationship with J I believed that I was fooling him. I had taught myself through my life experiences that I am not loveable. I caused pain wherever I went and I was always doing something wrong. And so I believed fhat if he was with me, it must have been because I was fooling him in some way. So I would walk on eggshells hoping he wouldn’t figure me out because I did love him. I also was very insecure and would ask for reassurances from him, even though he was always giving me reassurances. It took me a long time to reveal this to him, and when I did, I saw astonishment in his eyes. I also saw pain. I realized afterwards that he was hurting because I was hurting, and it was then that I realized that he did love me, that I was loveable, and slowly I worked on realizing that the things that happened in my childhood were not my fault, and I was in no way to blame.
So this is the reason why I chose to say those words to the image of myself as a child “I love you, I am love”, because it was then that I began to believe that I was unloveable.
It was pretty emotional, but I’m glad I did it. It’s something I need to continue to do. I need to just look into J’s eyes and there I will see love, like I always do, and realize that if he can love me, i can also love myself for who I am.
Day 4 saturday
I could not concentrate well in meditation today. I stated off well. I decided to do the same as yesterday since it worked so well. But after awhile my mind started to wander. I tried to bring it back to my mantra I love you, I am love, but then something else would pop up. The thoughts ranged, from a family member who is in the hospital, to the vacation J and I are taking this summer, to India, and the vacation we are taking after India. I panicked about needing to get vaccines if I am traveling to Africa, and how to go about getting them here in Quebec. By the end of my 10 minute mediation my mind was so loud, I could almost hear humming in my head. I had no idea my mind could be so loud but I guess that’s what it’s like when we have many things going on at once, and why we need to mediate.
On a side note, today was the first day I had coffee, and my verdict, it is a drug. After having a few sips I immediately felt glittery, it has been more than three hours since I had my coffee, and the effects are still apparent. I feel a slight sense of anxiety, gitteriness, inability to focus on one thing, my mind is racing. However, I have to admit I did love the first sip, my exact words: “OH. MY. GOODNESS”. So, while I definitely will not have it every day, once and a while I will enjoy a cup of coffee, especially on weekends with J (one day per week).
Day 5 sunday
For some reason today I could not do crow at all. Each time I lifted my feet off the ground, I felt as if my arms became rubber, no bones, and my knees would automatically fall right off. It was very frustrating. I had to work on not putting myself down through out the process, and to allow myself to stop when my arms and legs gave up in pain. I consciously made it a point not to say anything negative to myself, and when I gave up I repeated, this is where I am at today and that is ok. This is probably the first time I said these words, and believed them. It was also the first time I was ok with not doing a posture. It was a good practice.
Today’s meditation has been the strongest yet. Today I did a body scan. Its amazing what a body scan can do. This is not new to me, I’ve done it many times in Yoga class, and i have found that focusing on one part of my body and breathing into it is an amazing experience. But today was different. I stated off normally, by focusing in on one part of my body, breathing positive energy in and allowing negative energy to leave with every exhale. But this time, I thanked each part of my body for doing what it does for me every day. For example, my fingers for allowing me to touch the world, and communicate through my written/typed words. I sent each body part love, and I acknowledged all that it does for me. I also acknowledged the pain it has felt (like my wrist) and thanked it for allowing me to work with the pain in order to fix it through yoga. I acknowledged all my “limitations” with love and no judgement. In the end I thanked and sent love to my whole body. For allowing me to live, to work, to play, for being my vessel to experience life. For allowing me to experience life through all of my senses. I promised I would cherish it, respect it, and learn from it. And I thanked it for allowing me to be. What a wonderful experience. I felt as if my body and soul were really connecting for the first time. I felt like I was acknowledging my body with no judgement, no fear, no hatred, just love and respect. A very important lesson learned today.
Day 6 Monday
Today I used the reflection exercise described in The Pure Heart of Yoga by Robert Butera. I followed the meditation for the heart chakra. I chose this chakra today, because I wanted to heal my heart, I needed to forgive myself. Self-judgment comes from a feeling of unworthiness of love, and I needed to forgive myself, for being human, for taking a break from yoga today, from waking up late – because I use all of these things (and many more) to judge myself. So I practiced diaphragmatic breathing, imagined a bright light surrounding me (forgiveness/love) and breathed that light into my heart, and expelled all of the self-judgement thoughts, I also repeated the words I forgive you (periodically adding things after that sentence such as for not doing yoga this morning). I always make excuses for my actions, as if I need to justify that just choosing not to do Yoga for one day is not enough, I need a valid excuse, I am not enough,
It was an interesting experience. It linked well with yesterday’s meditation. I did feel a weight lift off me as I said the words to myself. The diaphragmatic breathing is not my favorite, but I think it was the best choice, it allowed me to constantly have my heart open.
This week has made me think a lot about how I see myself, the labels I have created for myself. And I have had to challenge my own perceptions often (like yesterday when I couldn’t do crow). I had to stop myself from making a judgement and instead accept what is. It’s been a very rewarding experience. It has helped me begin to see that in order to truly be content, in the moment, I must accept who I am right now, not only accept, but love myself enough not to label, not to judge, and not allow others’ perceptions of me become my definition of who I am.
Tuesday – day 07
Today I practiced a visual meditation. I lit a candle, as suggested in The Pure Heart of Yoga. A visual meditation consists of an object which can be in front of you or imagined. You contemplate the object, how does it move, behave feel … etc. I watched a candle lit in front of me.
As I watched it move back and forth and stand still, I thought it behaves like my thoughts, sometimes (during yoga, or doing a task, or meditating) my thoughts stand still like the candle, I focus, but other times my thoughts run a mile a minute. This is ok because as long as I can focus my thoughts I can come back to truth.
Then I thought that light/fire is such a precarious thing, it has brought so much achievement and is so precious to our evolution, but it is also very dangerous. Life itself, is precious, it is there all the time but we often take it for granted, just like fire. Fire holds such importance, mystical powers, it allows us to see in the dark, but if you don’t watch it, it can harm trees, crops, houses, people.
Then I imagined the lit candle to be the light in my solar plexus.
It is said that there is light there (D. K. V Desikatcher in The Heart of Yoga says to imagine a lit candle (or burning flame) at your naval) every time you breath in you bring life force into your body moving the candle to face down. And every time you breath out you take that same life force and spread it upward and releases the negative energy with it (visualize the candle facing up). Like a moving candle it sways and provides a person with life, each breath rekindles the flame.
I also knew that even if I closed my eyes and saw darkness the candle was still lit, just like when I feel that I am in darkness the light inside me is still lit, and I can always find it even in the dark. For that is light, it allows us to see when darkness cloaks us.
At the times that the candle stood still I imagined that it was one with my meditation, that somehow our life forces recognized each other in that moment.
It was an interesting meditation, I thought because I was doing it with my eyes open (for the most part) and I was allowing myself to think, that my eyes would dart to my cat, or something else, but they didn’t, and I stayed focused on the candle in mind and sight. I really enjoyed this mediation, and will definitely be using it again.
I was very nervous at the start of this week, and as I had imagined there were many highs and many lows. What I hadn’t imagined was the amount of introspection that occurred. I have always had a difficult time meditating, but taking 10 minutes every day really made a difference. And the difference was not only apparent on my mat, but in life as well. I felt that I was connected to my thoughts all week, and that I chose what to think, and what to believe.
Now that I am at the end of my second week, I feel as if taking this time to focus on my self-judging thoughts has allowed me to see where they have come from. By doing this, I saw that these thoughts, many of them at least, were not even my own. And slowly, I have begun to change the story of my life. Instead of seeing a victim with no control, I’m beginning to see a woman who makes a choice, to not be a victim of circumstance, but someone who creates her own story, and her own identity valuing the attributes she can bring to the world.
I also realize that while yoga on and off the mat is about healing, it isn’t as well. What I mean is, that each time we get on the mat, each time we find peace, we heal. But in real life there will be times that we might fall, the key that I learned this week is to learn to bring that union, balance, peace off the mat. It’s not always easy, and it might seem impossible at times. But once you have witnessed it, you know that it’s there, deep inside, and if you look hard enough you will find peace, you’ll find yourSELF.
Tomorrow I begin my next challenge, patience and acceptance. I read an article that highlights what I would like to do very well. As yogis we often find peace, love, self-acceptance … on the yoga mat, but take us off of the mat, out of the studio, and we are completely different people. I know I am at times. I catch myself saying things, complaining about things, and thinking things that the me on the mat would be appalled to have heard. It is completely contradictory. So this week my challenge is to take those ideas we practice on the mat, and use them in real life. This kind of branches off from this last week. This last week I focused on my self-judgement – where does it come from, and how can I change it. This week I am focusing on the “me against the world” mentality that we all carry sometimes. What does this exactly mean? I have thought long and hard about this, and done a lot of reading, and here is what I have come up with:
No complaining – find something positive to say instead.
While driving – instead of cursing of blaming whatever or whoever on the road practice pranayama breathing and stay in the moment aware that everyone has their burden to carry, and they all deserve love and respect (even if they are blocking my way).
Connected to this – see myself in others, we are all the same, and as I want to be treated fairly and justly and with respect so does everyone else. Being in a car doesn’t mean I have immunity, and being able to mutter something in Greek or English without anyone understanding doesn’t give me the right to do so.
I think this will be the hardest week yet. But I am going to try it without any expectations, and without any self-judgement 🙂 wish me luck!
Living yoga in a military wife's life 