Challenge: 1 pose, 1 intention, 1 eye-opening journey

I have never had a good relationship with intentions on my yoga mat. I have the best of intentions (haha) but once I start my practice, the thought or mantra escapes my heart and mind. Instead I focus on alignment and constantly judge whether I am doing a pose perfectly or not. So, this week I decided to change a few things.

The change came naturally. I had read a few weeks ago about focusing on one pose a week. I had dismissed the idea as boring, where would the challenge be? But ever since then I have noticed that my focus on the mat is scattered between proper alignment, balancing perfectly, perfect sequencing, that I can’t meditate. So this weekend I decided to pick a pose that I would work on for the whole week. My pose is toe stand (padangustasana). I also have a pose for thought post on this asana if you just follow the link.

As you all know, I make peak sequences. (I have been debating whether to post them, mostly because I don’t like the idea of someone whose never done yoga hurting themselves from one of my sequences). These sequences focus on one or two poses. I basically work up to them focusing on muscle groups needed to perform the pose optimally, and use counterposes afterwards. I already have a peak sequence for toe stand, and while I have been using it, it has not been my only go-to sequence this week. I free-styled it a lot as well, adding toe stand into each sequence. It’s been four days of toe stand so far, and focusing on this one pose has been phenomenal so far. Coupled with the one pose a week, I have also chosen to do one intention a week as well. As I mentioned above, I have trouble with intentions. I tend to forget, or not really feel them. I decided if I chose one, maybe some insight would come out of it.

This week I chose forgiveness. I chose this intention because I tend to judge myself a lot on the mat and carry those judgements around with me through out the day. On top of that, when I judge myself, I judge myself for having judged myself in the first place – double judgement wammy! And so I decided that each time I caught myself judging my posture, my balance, my body, my breathing … etc on and off the mat, I would forgive myself and move on.

Forgiveness is a difficult concept to understand, at least for me. We are often told to forgive others for having hurt us. But I think forgiveness needs to be earned.

You can’t go around forgiving everyone for everything, why would they feel sorry for what they’ve done, if they’re guaranteed forgiveness? At the same time, we need to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, for having fallen down. Wait, does that make sense? Am I looking for perfection from others?

These are the thoughts I have been struggling with this week. I can’t say I have any answers, but I believe my first step in understanding forgiveness is by forgiving myself first.

Today was the pinnacle of my journey this week. If I had to describe my practice I would describe it like water, fluid. I was in a pretty awesome groove through out my practice. Toe stand is awesome, it has been for a couple of days now. But the real great moments in my practice today were:

Vinyasa – during my vinyasa I moved like a wave. I have seen this done in videos before, and often wondered how people moved through a vinyasa as if their body was a wave. Up until this week I consistently judged my vinyasa from my breath, placement of my hands, downward dog – everything. Today without even wanting to, my vinyasa was exactly that, like a wave. I focused on forgiveness and that silenced my judging thoughts. Without those clouds looming over me my body was able to express itself. My heart was able to shine.

Triangle pose (trikonasana) – nothing significant happened really in terms of the pose itself. Instead it was at this moment that I felt a difference. Triangle came relatively at the beginning of my practice, and in the pose I felt a calmness, a strength that alluded me before. I usually judge myself a lot in triangle, and as I got into the pose I began the process of judgement again. I immediately stopped myself, found my drishti (place to focus your eyes during poses), and thought of forgiveness. In that moment something changed. I knew my journey was going to be different today, I knew that I was onto something, and I stayed with it.

Seated half lotus pose (Ardha Padmasana) – at the end of my practice as I sat in easy pose, I just knew, I could sit in half lotus.

Now, you have to understand, I have really really tight hips. Before yoga even sitting in easy pose (cross-legged) was difficult for me to do for an extended period of time. I distinctly remember feeling so uncomfortable during story time in grade school because sitting this way was painful for me. I also remember my grandma telling me that she too could not sit in that position for a long time, and that because I was like her, I too would never sit comfortably in easy pose. I secretly vowed that one day I would find comfort in a cross legged position. As I placed one foot over my other thigh today, i took a deep breath and thought about forgiveness. I sat in the pose with my hands in prayer position, I closed my eyes and I smiled. I sat for five breaths, changed feet and did the same on the other side. When I finished, I got out of half lotus position and I cried. I don’t know why, but for a few minutes I sat there and I cried.

Past hurts escaping my body

I finally forgave myself a little today.

It seems there is something to this intentions thing, I love this mini challenge I’ve given myself. I also love the idea of a one pose a week, and will continue this for the rest of September.

The only truth I know

I wrote this post a few minutes ago. I had wanted to make sense of something, but after writing felt even more confused. So I shut down my iPad, made some tea, and watched the ocean. I then went onto Facebook, and saw this quote:

“Throw everything away, forget it all! You are learning too much, remembering too much, trying too hard…relax a bit, give life a chance to flow its own way, unassisted by your mind and effort. Stop directing the river’s flow!”
– Mooji

This is funny because my intention this morning was to trust myself, all the answers I seek are within me, and to trust the path I am on. I guess my mind has been trying to make sense of this all day. So much so that I have tried to control my surroundings, and fit myself into what I believe I should be.

Here is the post:

Why do we label ourselves and other people? We put names on ourselves and others and expect that we all will play out our role, and when we or someone else fails we get upset.

What does it mean to be a military wife? Why is there a label put on it? Yes we share common experiences, but you can’t pick us out from the crowd, we are a wide range of what a woman can be, yet we label ourselves military wives.

What does it mean to be a yogi? How is it different from the person who eats well, exercises, and is generally a positive person, but doesn’t do yoga? And if we do label ourselves as a yogi, what happens when we have an un-yogi moment like im sure we all do since we are human and live in this world?

I have been struggling with this last question for days now. Yogis can’t be defined, we are not all the same. There’s the yogi that comes to class and feels like they don’t fit it, but loves yoga. There’s the yogi that chants, does all sorts of crazy poses but eats bad food. There’s the yogi that only does bikram yoga, the list goes on and on. Stepping into this world is daunting. You begin to realize that there are so many things you could change in your life, to be healthier, happier, and centred.

You begin doing yoga as often as possible, you begin to wonder where this excellent physical, mental, and spiritual activity has come from, you may stop eating meat because it doesn’t serve you, you may begin wearing comfortable clothing because being uncomfortable and unable to express yourself seems ludicrous all of a sudden. But sooner or later you need to find a happy medium, of who you are fundamentally, and who you want to be.

You can’t be everything, or shall I say, attempting to control everything will lead to more anger and stress rather than happiness and contentment. You need to try and find your own truth.

I have been struggling with this for some time, and coming here to Florida and practicing in a studio with strangers has brought these feelings out in the open, and I struggle to find my centre.

I ate meat today. And it was completely purposeful. I had planned to keep it my dirty little secret, but why? Why keep it a secret? I’m human, and for the first time since I stopped eating meat I had a huge craving for it. So I ate some chicken. And before I took my first bite I wondered why did I do this in the first place? Why did I choose to stop eating meat?

I watchd as J ate his half of the chicken wrap and drank his diet soda (which I pretend to ignore that he drinks) and I saw complete satisfaction on his face, and i wondered, am I satisfied?

So I ate chicken to find out. I thought if I ate chicken I would have a revelation of some sort, that I would find my centre, but instead I only feel like I have a brick in my stomach that won’t digest.

I am left feeling gross and more confused of where this path is leading me.

I make jokes but I honestly feel a well of tears at the bottom of my throat, who is Maria? And who is the yogi I am becoming? How do I meld the two and how do I create the peace that I so want to surround me? Is it even possible to do that, or am I missing some vital lesson here? And most importantly have I even changed? Is it even possible to change or am I just masking my true nature with mumbo jumbo?

I guess maybe this is why I am going to India, to find out.

I don’t know why but I feel like I have lost something very vital to my happiness. As if I lost my path or something. I am trying desperately to get back on track and every time I get on my mat I think – this is the day, today ill get back – but it never comes. I feel it momentarily during practice but I can’t bring it with me into my day. I am left feeling shallow, disconnected, and craving meat.

Am I trying to control too much? But with no control then what is there but chaos and a lot of meat eating?

“Throw everything away, forget it all! You are learning too much, remembering too much, trying too hard…relax a bit, give life a chance to flow its own way, unassisted by your mind and effort. Stop directing the river’s flow!”
– Mooji

I was so preoccupied with being perfect that I forgot to enjoy life. I forgot to enjoy being me. So what if I ate meat? I now remember the yucky feeing it gives me and won’t do it again, but I’m still me. So what if I was a bit bitchy before (and let’s face it after) yoga this morning, it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to practice!

What I haven’t realized is stepping into a unfamiliar yoga studio has brought me out of my comfort zone. I have no idea what I am stepping into each and every time I go. I made a point to try different teachers each time I went, and this adds to the challenge. I’m doing poses I never thought I would do, variations of poses I didn’t even know existed, and I am learning a lot. But I have struggled with this because I am used to controlling my surroundings, especially in yoga. I practice at home and the only distraction is my cat, which I can still control to a point, and so coming here to a new studio, surrounded by strangers, has brought up some feelings that lay dormant back home.

“Throw everything away, forget it all! You are learning too much, remembering too much, trying too hard…relax a bit, give life a chance to flow its own way, unassisted by your mind and effort. Stop directing the river’s flow!”
– Mooji

I was scared that being with other people would prove that I was unworthy of all of this, and I may have sabotaged it purposely today by eating meat, but the thing is – all of this doesn’t matter. I could eat pounds and pounds of meat (the thought brings vomit to my mouth) but as long as I stay true to myself, I’ll be happy and content.

The point is not pigeon holing ourselves into something we think we need to be, it’s staying truthful to who we are, and only then can our true yogi shine. Whether that yogi where’s organic clothing, eats meat, chants, or wears lululemon means absolutely nothing. I’ve been unhappy these last few days because by comparing myself to others I subconsciously told myself that it was not enough being me. But the only way to grow and learn, and find peace on and off my mat is if I honour who I am. So i let all the preconceived notions go, and i sit with myself, the only truth I know.

Bakasana Lesson: It is about the journey, not the pose

It seems that sometimes we get caught up with our goals that we forget about the moment.  I have found this to be true in many areas of my life.  Take our posting last year for example (or any posting for that matter).  I was so preoccupied in the past to moving from here, that I forgot to live in the moment.  I did not see my life.  I saw what my life would be only if … .  I still do this sometimes, but the difference is now I notice.

Yoga has led me to make healthier choices in my life, but it has done so much more as well.  I read somewhere today,  that a big mistake that people who practice yoga make is that they expect it to change them.  I think most of us go into yoga expecting some sort of change.  We have a friend who can do awesome poses, or we have seen the countless pictures of models with their legs above their heads on facebook, or we are simply trying to find  inner-peace.  I did this as well.  I went into yoga because it was suppose to help with stress.  Everyone said it would work. This article I read, stated that this is wrong.  The article is right.

You can get on your mat every day, you can go through the motions, but if you don’t meet it head on, consciously, in the moment, you will leave your mat the exact same way you went on (maybe a little stronger) but no epiphany will take place.  Yoga is like life that way.  If you don’t stop focusing on what will be, to what is now, you will miss the lesson.  If you don’t focus on where you are at that particular moment on your mat, you will not learn anything that day.

Yoga is about learning.  It is not about suddenly becoming enlightened.  It’s about realizing the barriers you have built that have inhibited you of performing at your truest potential, be that in relationships, at work. with yourself, whatever.  It is this realization that eventually changes you.  It’s not easy, but once you feel it, you can’t help but go back for more.

Today, J asked me if he thought I was obsessed with yoga.  At first, I wanted to cower with shame that I was doing something differnet – something that warrented judgement.  But I didn’t.  Instead, i calmy thought about his statement. Smiling, I asked him what the problem was if I did yoga everyday?  He had no answer.  And the truth is, I am obsessed, in a good way.  I have found something on my mat that I can’t explain.  Will it change me? Probably not.  I will still be someone who worries too much, I will still be forgetful, I will still be goofy, and I will still care too much, but I will learn to love those parts that make me, me.  I will learn to accept myself for where I am at a particular time, with no judgement and no shame.

I forgot this for a moment today, practicing crow.  I wanted to conquer it, like I conquered plow.  But I am not there yet.  I was upset with myself that I needed J to keep me steady, and when he lightly held me so I wouldn’t fall I was ashamed that I kept repeating “don’t let go, don’t let go”.  But that is where I am right now.  It is not something to be ashamed of.  By refusing to accept my journey, I am losing the lesson.   I’m expecting that I will magically be able to stay in crow.  That will never happen.  What will happen is, if I am present, I will learn to trust my body, move with my weight, and learn to balance, break down one more barrier.

Yoga is not about getting your leg over your head, or balancing in some crazy inversion, it is about embarking on a path to become a better you.  To challenge yourself to be the best you can be, and by doing so maybe affecting someone else’s life in the process.

Today, I hope I opened J’s eyes and heart just a little bit.  I hope he realizes that it is ok I am a bit obsessed, because it makes me happy.  I know he knows this, and I know he supports me.   I see it with every loving, helping hand he gives.  I secretly hope that somehow someway the postivity I have gained will spread to him.  For now, I am just happy that he listens to my stories, reads my posts, and lends a helping hand so I will not fall.

I may not have conquered crow today, but I did learn.  I remembered that yoga is about the journey not the pose.  And I also learned, that having compassion for yourself also includes accepting when you need guidance and support.  It is not a weakness, to ask for help.  My asking for support in crow, was not a weakness.  My taking a stand and choosing to do this challenge this year, is not crazy.   And if it is, allowing someone else’s judgement to change our mind is the opposite of compassion.  So I put today at rest knowing that I am ok if people think I am obsessed, and that I am not weak if I ask for help.  I journeyed through crow today, and in the process i began the process of opening the door.