I have never had a good relationship with intentions on my yoga mat. I have the best of intentions (haha) but once I start my practice, the thought or mantra escapes my heart and mind. Instead I focus on alignment and constantly judge whether I am doing a pose perfectly or not. So, this week I decided to change a few things.
The change came naturally. I had read a few weeks ago about focusing on one pose a week. I had dismissed the idea as boring, where would the challenge be? But ever since then I have noticed that my focus on the mat is scattered between proper alignment, balancing perfectly, perfect sequencing, that I can’t meditate. So this weekend I decided to pick a pose that I would work on for the whole week. My pose is toe stand (padangustasana). I also have a pose for thought post on this asana if you just follow the link.
As you all know, I make peak sequences. (I have been debating whether to post them, mostly because I don’t like the idea of someone whose never done yoga hurting themselves from one of my sequences). These sequences focus on one or two poses. I basically work up to them focusing on muscle groups needed to perform the pose optimally, and use counterposes afterwards. I already have a peak sequence for toe stand, and while I have been using it, it has not been my only go-to sequence this week. I free-styled it a lot as well, adding toe stand into each sequence. It’s been four days of toe stand so far, and focusing on this one pose has been phenomenal so far. Coupled with the one pose a week, I have also chosen to do one intention a week as well. As I mentioned above, I have trouble with intentions. I tend to forget, or not really feel them. I decided if I chose one, maybe some insight would come out of it.
This week I chose forgiveness. I chose this intention because I tend to judge myself a lot on the mat and carry those judgements around with me through out the day. On top of that, when I judge myself, I judge myself for having judged myself in the first place – double judgement wammy! And so I decided that each time I caught myself judging my posture, my balance, my body, my breathing … etc on and off the mat, I would forgive myself and move on.
Forgiveness is a difficult concept to understand, at least for me. We are often told to forgive others for having hurt us. But I think forgiveness needs to be earned.
You can’t go around forgiving everyone for everything, why would they feel sorry for what they’ve done, if they’re guaranteed forgiveness? At the same time, we need to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, for having fallen down. Wait, does that make sense? Am I looking for perfection from others?
These are the thoughts I have been struggling with this week. I can’t say I have any answers, but I believe my first step in understanding forgiveness is by forgiving myself first.
Today was the pinnacle of my journey this week. If I had to describe my practice I would describe it like water, fluid. I was in a pretty awesome groove through out my practice. Toe stand is awesome, it has been for a couple of days now. But the real great moments in my practice today were:
Vinyasa – during my vinyasa I moved like a wave. I have seen this done in videos before, and often wondered how people moved through a vinyasa as if their body was a wave. Up until this week I consistently judged my vinyasa from my breath, placement of my hands, downward dog – everything. Today without even wanting to, my vinyasa was exactly that, like a wave. I focused on forgiveness and that silenced my judging thoughts. Without those clouds looming over me my body was able to express itself. My heart was able to shine.
Triangle pose (trikonasana) – nothing significant happened really in terms of the pose itself. Instead it was at this moment that I felt a difference. Triangle came relatively at the beginning of my practice, and in the pose I felt a calmness, a strength that alluded me before. I usually judge myself a lot in triangle, and as I got into the pose I began the process of judgement again. I immediately stopped myself, found my drishti (place to focus your eyes during poses), and thought of forgiveness. In that moment something changed. I knew my journey was going to be different today, I knew that I was onto something, and I stayed with it.
Seated half lotus pose (Ardha Padmasana) – at the end of my practice as I sat in easy pose, I just knew, I could sit in half lotus.
Now, you have to understand, I have really really tight hips. Before yoga even sitting in easy pose (cross-legged) was difficult for me to do for an extended period of time. I distinctly remember feeling so uncomfortable during story time in grade school because sitting this way was painful for me. I also remember my grandma telling me that she too could not sit in that position for a long time, and that because I was like her, I too would never sit comfortably in easy pose. I secretly vowed that one day I would find comfort in a cross legged position. As I placed one foot over my other thigh today, i took a deep breath and thought about forgiveness. I sat in the pose with my hands in prayer position, I closed my eyes and I smiled. I sat for five breaths, changed feet and did the same on the other side. When I finished, I got out of half lotus position and I cried. I don’t know why, but for a few minutes I sat there and I cried.
Past hurts escaping my body
I finally forgave myself a little today.
It seems there is something to this intentions thing, I love this mini challenge I’ve given myself. I also love the idea of a one pose a week, and will continue this for the rest of September.
Living yoga in a military wife's life 