Week 2
Day 1 Wednesday
So this week is a challenge on my thoughts about myself. The things I say to myself through out the day, that become the definition of who I am. So in mediation, while I wanted to quiet my mind, I also wanted to pay attention to what my thoughts actually were. Because I wanted to concentrate on my thoughts at first my mind was going a mile a minute, I can’t even remember one single thought from the begginning of practice. After a bit I decided to try and visualize something in order to calm my mind. I visualized a lit candle, with a black background and the candle made a wonderful light around it, yellow on the interior and red on the exterior. That helped a lot.
However, I did find myself adjusting my posuters, and as Judith Lasater in Living your Yoga asks, whose voice is adjusting you in your mind? When I first read this I thought how strange, obviously it’s my voice (but I wasn’t practicing at the time). Today, I realized it is the one voice that I have always wanted comfort from and did not get it, instead I got crushed. I don’t feel comfortable revealing who this is, people that know me will know. I am surprised that it is this voice, the voice I have tried to reason with so many times only to find my face in the mud each time, and it is this voice that is analyzing my postures. There were two postures in which I felt negativity bow and plough.
I realized today that I am pretty critical of myself in bow.
I never really paid attention to my thoughts before (not so much at least) and today it wasn’t just that I was saying I can’t do it, I believed it, and it hurt (emotionally). But what I don’t see, is that as I repeat these words “i can’t do it”, I am in fact doing it. I might go deeper some days, and some days not so deep, but I am doing it, I should give myself that credit. Once I identified the dialogue I attempted to be more positive, but just saying the words isn’t enough, I need to believe them – first real lesson this week.
In plough, I really, really didn’t believe in myself which is strange since this pose has become one i do in my daily routines.
My inability to believe in myself was so strong that I couldn’t do the pose at all. I flung right out of it (which by the way is never a good way to exit a pose – always slow and with your breath). It was really heartbreaking, and I really believe it has to do with the doubt I experienced last night, doubt in myself.
Well meditation was useless this morning. I use this word fittingly since it was a word I repeated to myself throughout meditation – this is useless, I am useless because I can’t do this. My mind would not quit. I tried visualizing the candle, it didn’t work. I tried changing my thoughts the negative were louder. But I remained in position the entire time so I guess it wasn’t a failure.
Even though today proved to be very difficult, I did learn something. I could repeat the words “I can” over and over again, but unless I believe it, it will never work. It’s about time I start believing in myself. No harm done though, this is just the first day, tomorrow I will begin again.
Day two – Thursday
Well I got my period early this morning. I debated even getting on my mat due to the hellish cramps, however I figured my best bet was to do my restorative practice meant to alleviate period cramps (and for very stressful days). I knew right away that I would have a hard time, not because of my cramps, but because I would push myself too much, and would see the passive poses as wimpy. I noticed right away in my side stretch from my low lunge that I wanted to lift my back leg, make it more strong. Obviously I did not, my body screamed no, but my mind (or shall I put it, my ego screamed yes). I fought that urge the whole 30 minute practice. Even when I could not hold the forward stretch any longer and decided to go into wild child’s pose (the only pose I felt any relief in this morning) I had to remind myself to not be judgemental, this is where I am at today, and I’m ok with that. On a positive note, reminding myself helped the ego voice calm down and leave my body alone.
I decided to do a laying down mediation again this morning since sitting up for 10 minutes seemed like torture with my cramps. My mind wasn’t so chatty this morning, but it did wander to some very random thoughts at times. I tried a mantra mediation this morning repeating “I am perfect just as I am”. But during practice, in wide legged seated stretch pose, I remember thinking that my arms are too short, my hips are too tight, I’m slouching … etc generally just seeing all the negative in my body, so how can I repeat this mantra and expect to believe it? It’s hypocritical since a few minutes earlier I believed and thought the opposite.
So in order for me to actually be ok with where my body is at, I need to make some changes. We live in a culture where you have to strive to be better always – look like the models posing in various poses on the Internet, look fabulous in hot yoga shorts, look calm and beautiful in every pose, never fall, do it better, no pain no gain, etc that it becomes impossible to think any other way. Just like Lasater says, in order to live your yoga you need to accept yourself for where you are at, thank yourself for trying your best, and that you got on your mat. Come to your mat with gratitude not with the goal of “change” just having that goal is saying that there is something wrong with how I am at the moment. Yes I want to do better, yes I want to one day get into crow as if it were the easiest pose in the world, but that will not be done with the no pain no gain mentality, it will be done with love and gratitude.
I realize I have been fighting with myself all day. I tend to feel anxiety at the beginning of my cycle, it’s not always, but every so often it hits. It’s usually when I have the worst cramps. This month is one of those times. All day I have been anxious, and I have been willing myself to not be that way. But the fact of the matter is, I am. Instead of forcing change, why not listen to myself? That is the whole goal for this week’s challenge isn’t it? By forming change I have been sending the message to myself that something is wrong with me. But nothing is wrong. This is how I am in this moment, and while I can’t change that, I can learn from it.
I read a book once (I can’t seem to find the title anywhere on my iPad) that stated that during a woman’s cycle (before and during the period) a woman is more introspective, she won’t have a lot of energy due to her body getting ready for her cycle, and will feel drained, stressed, depressed, etc. the author asks that during this time the reader take the time to take care of herself. Instead of fighting through anxiety, or tiredness to get the chores done, know that during that week and a half or so, you won’t do chores (do them before). Instead during that time do what feels right, if that means doing the thing you love most but never have time to do – write, read, cook … Etc. do that. She definitely advised to write during this time, because it is usually during this time that we resolve issues we haven’t dealt with because we’ve been busy.
I started to do this today by minimizing the amount of cleaning that I did (I had a lot planned) and instead took my time and let my body lead me, when I needed a break I took a break. It’s time I start listening, not only to my thoughts but what my body is trying to tell me as well.
Day three – Friday
I did my hard postures day today. I was feeling much better this morning and felt up to the challenge. As Lasater suggested I paid attention to my self dialogue. I am becoming more conscious of it, and did not correct myself in a harsh tone, however I am very negative in crow pose.
Right when I prepared myself I thought, I can’t do this, i will fail. How can I ever expect to do this pose when I believe I can’t. I see now why I fall out even after a couple of breaths, because I don’t believe that I can. The same problem that I described in an earlier post, I have no faith in my body. In this case, I believe my lower Half of my body is too heavy for my tiny wrists. That may be the case right now, but I can eventually do it if I practice, believing that one day I will gain the strength. Right when I changed my train of thought to more positive statements I stayed in the pose, and pretty steady. Achievement? I think so.
Today in mediation I repeated a mantra. I read somewhere once that in order to heal self-judging thoughts, or negative thoughts you should try saying “I love you” in front of mirror. I decided to try this for a few days (the article said to do it for a month). The first day I sat in front of the mirror and couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I thought at first it was because this was weird saying it to myself. But after a few days of trying I realized that it might be weird, but that shouldn’t stop me from saying it, why couldn’t I say it? I’d open my mouth ready to say it and nothing came out. The first time I ever said it, I blurted it out, really fast, as if the words had no meaning. I tried again the next night, I took a deep breath and this time said it slowly, as I said it tears started to well up in my eyes. I realized then, that maybe I had been too harsh with myself.
Yesterday I read an article on the same subject, more focused on the heart chakra. It suggested repeating a mantra during a yoga practice centered around the heart chakra: I love you, I am love. I decided to use it as my mantra in meditation. At first I thought the words, but it didn’t seem to be real. So I said the words (since I’m home alone it didn’t seem strange, except my cat meowing at me) once I began to say the words I felt something. I also thought of something. I should be saying this to my heart or soul, and immediately an image of me as a child popped into my head, and I said those words to her. It was an emotional experience. I’m not saying I was never told that I was loved as a child, because I was, but there was also a lot of pain and confusion in my life, and there were often times that I felt I was the reason why so many bad things were happening, and if I was the reason, then surly I couldn’t truly be loved.
Let me explain:
For a long time at the beginning of my relationship with J I believed that I was fooling him. I had taught myself through my life experiences that I am not loveable. I caused pain wherever I went and I was always doing something wrong. And so I believed fhat if he was with me, it must have been because I was fooling him in some way. So I would walk on eggshells hoping he wouldn’t figure me out because I did love him. I also was very insecure and would ask for reassurances from him, even though he was always giving me reassurances. It took me a long time to reveal this to him, and when I did, I saw astonishment in his eyes. I also saw pain. I realized afterwards that he was hurting because I was hurting, and it was then that I realized that he did love me, that I was loveable, and slowly I worked on realizing that the things that happened in my childhood were not my fault, and I was in no way to blame.
So this is the reason why I chose to say those words to the image of myself as a child “I love you, I am love”, because it was then that I began to believe that I was unloveable.
It was pretty emotional, but I’m glad I did it. It’s something I need to continue to do. I need to just look into J’s eyes and there I will see love, like I always do, and realize that if he can love me, i can also love myself for who I am.
Day 4 saturday
I could not concentrate well in meditation today. I stated off well. I decided to do the same as yesterday since it worked so well. But after awhile my mind started to wander. I tried to bring it back to my mantra I love you, I am love, but then something else would pop up. The thoughts ranged, from a family member who is in the hospital, to the vacation J and I are taking this summer, to India, and the vacation we are taking after India. I panicked about needing to get vaccines if I am traveling to Africa, and how to go about getting them here in Quebec. By the end of my 10 minute mediation my mind was so loud, I could almost hear humming in my head. I had no idea my mind could be so loud but I guess that’s what it’s like when we have many things going on at once, and why we need to mediate.
On a side note, today was the first day I had coffee, and my verdict, it is a drug. After having a few sips I immediately felt glittery, it has been more than three hours since I had my coffee, and the effects are still apparent. I feel a slight sense of anxiety, gitteriness, inability to focus on one thing, my mind is racing. However, I have to admit I did love the first sip, my exact words: “OH. MY. GOODNESS”. So, while I definitely will not have it every day, once and a while I will enjoy a cup of coffee, especially on weekends with J (one day per week).
Day 5 sunday
For some reason today I could not do crow at all. Each time I lifted my feet off the ground, I felt as if my arms became rubber, no bones, and my knees would automatically fall right off. It was very frustrating. I had to work on not putting myself down through out the process, and to allow myself to stop when my arms and legs gave up in pain. I consciously made it a point not to say anything negative to myself, and when I gave up I repeated, this is where I am at today and that is ok. This is probably the first time I said these words, and believed them. It was also the first time I was ok with not doing a posture. It was a good practice.
Today’s meditation has been the strongest yet. Today I did a body scan. Its amazing what a body scan can do. This is not new to me, I’ve done it many times in Yoga class, and i have found that focusing on one part of my body and breathing into it is an amazing experience. But today was different. I stated off normally, by focusing in on one part of my body, breathing positive energy in and allowing negative energy to leave with every exhale. But this time, I thanked each part of my body for doing what it does for me every day. For example, my fingers for allowing me to touch the world, and communicate through my written/typed words. I sent each body part love, and I acknowledged all that it does for me. I also acknowledged the pain it has felt (like my wrist) and thanked it for allowing me to work with the pain in order to fix it through yoga. I acknowledged all my “limitations” with love and no judgement. In the end I thanked and sent love to my whole body. For allowing me to live, to work, to play, for being my vessel to experience life. For allowing me to experience life through all of my senses. I promised I would cherish it, respect it, and learn from it. And I thanked it for allowing me to be. What a wonderful experience. I felt as if my body and soul were really connecting for the first time. I felt like I was acknowledging my body with no judgement, no fear, no hatred, just love and respect. A very important lesson learned today.
Day 6 Monday
Today I used the reflection exercise described in The Pure Heart of Yoga by Robert Butera. I followed the meditation for the heart chakra. I chose this chakra today, because I wanted to heal my heart, I needed to forgive myself. Self-judgment comes from a feeling of unworthiness of love, and I needed to forgive myself, for being human, for taking a break from yoga today, from waking up late – because I use all of these things (and many more) to judge myself. So I practiced diaphragmatic breathing, imagined a bright light surrounding me (forgiveness/love) and breathed that light into my heart, and expelled all of the self-judgement thoughts, I also repeated the words I forgive you (periodically adding things after that sentence such as for not doing yoga this morning). I always make excuses for my actions, as if I need to justify that just choosing not to do Yoga for one day is not enough, I need a valid excuse, I am not enough,
It was an interesting experience. It linked well with yesterday’s meditation. I did feel a weight lift off me as I said the words to myself. The diaphragmatic breathing is not my favorite, but I think it was the best choice, it allowed me to constantly have my heart open.
This week has made me think a lot about how I see myself, the labels I have created for myself. And I have had to challenge my own perceptions often (like yesterday when I couldn’t do crow). I had to stop myself from making a judgement and instead accept what is. It’s been a very rewarding experience. It has helped me begin to see that in order to truly be content, in the moment, I must accept who I am right now, not only accept, but love myself enough not to label, not to judge, and not allow others’ perceptions of me become my definition of who I am.
Tuesday – day 07
Today I practiced a visual meditation. I lit a candle, as suggested in The Pure Heart of Yoga. A visual meditation consists of an object which can be in front of you or imagined. You contemplate the object, how does it move, behave feel … etc. I watched a candle lit in front of me.
As I watched it move back and forth and stand still, I thought it behaves like my thoughts, sometimes (during yoga, or doing a task, or meditating) my thoughts stand still like the candle, I focus, but other times my thoughts run a mile a minute. This is ok because as long as I can focus my thoughts I can come back to truth.
Then I thought that light/fire is such a precarious thing, it has brought so much achievement and is so precious to our evolution, but it is also very dangerous. Life itself, is precious, it is there all the time but we often take it for granted, just like fire. Fire holds such importance, mystical powers, it allows us to see in the dark, but if you don’t watch it, it can harm trees, crops, houses, people.
Then I imagined the lit candle to be the light in my solar plexus.
It is said that there is light there (D. K. V Desikatcher in The Heart of Yoga says to imagine a lit candle (or burning flame) at your naval) every time you breath in you bring life force into your body moving the candle to face down. And every time you breath out you take that same life force and spread it upward and releases the negative energy with it (visualize the candle facing up). Like a moving candle it sways and provides a person with life, each breath rekindles the flame.
I also knew that even if I closed my eyes and saw darkness the candle was still lit, just like when I feel that I am in darkness the light inside me is still lit, and I can always find it even in the dark. For that is light, it allows us to see when darkness cloaks us.
At the times that the candle stood still I imagined that it was one with my meditation, that somehow our life forces recognized each other in that moment.
It was an interesting meditation, I thought because I was doing it with my eyes open (for the most part) and I was allowing myself to think, that my eyes would dart to my cat, or something else, but they didn’t, and I stayed focused on the candle in mind and sight. I really enjoyed this mediation, and will definitely be using it again.
I was very nervous at the start of this week, and as I had imagined there were many highs and many lows. What I hadn’t imagined was the amount of introspection that occurred. I have always had a difficult time meditating, but taking 10 minutes every day really made a difference. And the difference was not only apparent on my mat, but in life as well. I felt that I was connected to my thoughts all week, and that I chose what to think, and what to believe.
Now that I am at the end of my second week, I feel as if taking this time to focus on my self-judging thoughts has allowed me to see where they have come from. By doing this, I saw that these thoughts, many of them at least, were not even my own. And slowly, I have begun to change the story of my life. Instead of seeing a victim with no control, I’m beginning to see a woman who makes a choice, to not be a victim of circumstance, but someone who creates her own story, and her own identity valuing the attributes she can bring to the world.
I also realize that while yoga on and off the mat is about healing, it isn’t as well. What I mean is, that each time we get on the mat, each time we find peace, we heal. But in real life there will be times that we might fall, the key that I learned this week is to learn to bring that union, balance, peace off the mat. It’s not always easy, and it might seem impossible at times. But once you have witnessed it, you know that it’s there, deep inside, and if you look hard enough you will find peace, you’ll find yourSELF.
Tomorrow I begin my next challenge, patience and acceptance. I read an article that highlights what I would like to do very well. As yogis we often find peace, love, self-acceptance … on the yoga mat, but take us off of the mat, out of the studio, and we are completely different people. I know I am at times. I catch myself saying things, complaining about things, and thinking things that the me on the mat would be appalled to have heard. It is completely contradictory. So this week my challenge is to take those ideas we practice on the mat, and use them in real life. This kind of branches off from this last week. This last week I focused on my self-judgement – where does it come from, and how can I change it. This week I am focusing on the “me against the world” mentality that we all carry sometimes. What does this exactly mean? I have thought long and hard about this, and done a lot of reading, and here is what I have come up with:
No complaining – find something positive to say instead.
While driving – instead of cursing of blaming whatever or whoever on the road practice pranayama breathing and stay in the moment aware that everyone has their burden to carry, and they all deserve love and respect (even if they are blocking my way).
Connected to this – see myself in others, we are all the same, and as I want to be treated fairly and justly and with respect so does everyone else. Being in a car doesn’t mean I have immunity, and being able to mutter something in Greek or English without anyone understanding doesn’t give me the right to do so.
I think this will be the hardest week yet. But I am going to try it without any expectations, and without any self-judgement 🙂 wish me luck!
Living yoga in a military wife's life 