My father used to sing me this song almost every day when I was a child. I was his first born, and due to his depression, he always said I was the first thing that provided purpose in his life. Once he had children, he found the will to live again.
He used to tell me that because I was his first, I held a special place in his heart. I always knew this, as I also knew he loved my brother and sister as well, but in me he saw the beginning of his awakening. I also think, because I resembled him – not only physically with my black hair and deep brown (almost black) eyes, but also characteristically. I always knew what he was thinking, even when he didn’t voice it, we had a connection that can’t be put into words, and I believe he felt the same from me. I was truly a part of him. This is not to say that he didn’t see himself in my brother and sister, I am certain he did, but with me, I just knew it went deeper, our souls were connected.
Every time I hear this song now, I feel a deep sense of loss, but I also feel something else, a deep sense of love, a deep, wise, knowing that life is bigger and more beautiful than I realized.
This deep knowing which I didn’t understand is what brought me onto my mat, and engulfing myself in it through asana, meditation, pranayama, and compassion, is what keeps bringing me back.
When my father passed away, I was completely lost. I needed to somehow bring him back to life. This was so strong of a need, that even leaving his grave site was difficult, I felt like I was abandoning him, that I was abandoning some essential part of me. So I vowed to become him. I vowed to love life as much as he did, spread joy as he did, love with all my heart as he did. However, back then, I was afraid, and I didn’t know how to do this without his protection, without knowing that if I let myself be, and fell down, that he would be there to pick me up once again. And so I retreated into myself, into my fear.
I believe that is when I truly got lost, because I closed off an essential part of me. What I didn’t realize was, he was always with me. I didn’t allow myself to live and feel that, and so I felt alone, isolated.
I realize now, that by opening myself up to life, love, exploring, I have recaptured that light. I also realize that by living, by exploring and learning, by connecting with others, I spread that light, and I keep him alive inside me. By allowing myself to love, to connect with others, I am embodying his spirit, I keep that part of me alive, and so he never really is gone.
By practicing compassion, we begin to see that we are all connected. The light within all of us, is the same, we just express it differently. No one really dies, since they live on in the light that is in all of us. We are all connected by our humanity, and if we truly want to keep someone’s memory alive all we have to do is live, love, spread happiness, be compassionate to others, and the love we felt for those that have gone remains, and we realize it was never really gone.
Living yoga in a military wife's life 