Yoga is magic

I wrote the title of this post on my Facebook this evening, and very quickly a good friend of mine responded that no, yoga is real. She’s right, it is very real, but it is also magic – for me.

Why do I call it magic when every day we are bombarded with study after study of the very real positive effects of yoga?

I wrote a post once Yoga is my sport where I talked about yoga’s benifts in my life physically and emotionally. The post was very true, but yoga is more than that, it’s magic. Yoga creates peace in my whole body, something I didn’t think was possible. Today I have been feeling icky, mostly due to the too much wine with friends last night, but half an hour on my mat made the ickiness disappear. That’s it, half an hour, and it didn’t even take half an hour, by the time I finished child’s pose at the beginning of my practice, I felt the tension, anxiety, and overall ickiness fade away. The rest of my practice was just a reminder that peace was there all along, I just needed to breathe.

I have never liked sitting still, I like movement, put some music on and my feet start tapping, my head starts bopping and my hips start swaying, I love to move, but my whole life I couldn’t find the movements my body was wanting to make. I always felt like my body was trying to express itself only to find it lacking in what it was trying to say, until I found yoga. Suddenly my body couldn’t stop expressing itself and it’s messages were boundless and they were complete – magic.

Of course there are very real reasons as to why I feel like yoga is magic. I am reading a book at the moment Yoga as Medicine written by Timothy McCall, a physician. In it he describes, in detail, the many benefits of yoga and how yoga gives us these benefits – what happens in our bodies. He also give suggestions of various poses that can help with different ailments as used in yoga therapy. While the book is grounded in real studies with real links between the mind and body and yoga, it reads like magic. Why do I say that?

When people think of yoga they often think of bendy bodies in magazines or the Internet, they may think of stretching, a woman’s exercise, or maybe even sweaty yogis in a hot room – before you do yoga, you believe yoga is just movement, or stretching. When yogis tell you that it will change your life you think they’ve been in the hot room for a little too long, or maybe they are following a cult.

Until you do yoga.

In order to see and feel the benefits of yoga, you must do yoga. You can read about it all you want, it won’t seem real – it will seem like magic, until you do it. You won’t see the benefits and even more important you won’t believe it’s benefits,

until you do yoga.

Most people have done some form of exercise before they do yoga. I did. And I knew that jogging made me feel strong, but it also tired me out, killed my knees and gave me shin-splints. I knew that lifting weights helped me build muscle, but it also led to a lot of pain. I also knew that I still had emotional and physical issues even though I was physically active. When I was told that yoga would give me all I had gained from working out (and so much more), replenish my energy rather than deplete it, plus help with my emotional and physical issues it sounded like magic. How could stretching help me gain muscle, help me feel strong, give me energy, and cure me of my emotional and physical issues? That’s just crazy talk!

Until I did yoga.

In the book the author explains while modern medicine can compliment a yoga practice, it is not the only answer. What modern medicine and tradional forms of working out lack is connection. One good example of this that the author uses is the brain. Doctors are taught in med school that the brain has fully developed by early adulthood. Meaning the neurones are fixed and from then on will slowly decline. Only recently has western research discovered that these neurones can be changed with repetitive behaviours. In yoga these repetitive behaviours are called samaskaras. Practicing yoga helps us break old patterns – or developed neurons – into new patterns of behaviour. Whether this means negative self-talk or the 4 pm chocolate bar we must have, yoga helps us change these.

How does it do this? Well, in many ways – one of which is connection. By connecting the mind, body, and soul (or energy) we begin to notice patterns of behaviour that have been on autopilot probably for most of our lives. Ancient yogis knew this. They knew, without research, without scholarly articles, and without modern technology, that connecting the breath with movement – connecting the body as if it is one organic being – helped create change – it helped create new patterns of behaviour – magic.

The author dares the reader to just try yoga, get on a mat, and breathe or do downward facing dog pose. On the first day, the practitioner may just do these poses, shrug them off and continue with their day. But soon enough, that downward dog pose will turn into a chaturanga, and later maybe even a full sun salutation, and the breathing may turn into a meditation. Five minutes on the mat will become, half an hour, an hour, a full session, a part of the daily routine. Soon enough, not getting on the yoga mat will be the hard part. And suddenly the practitioner will realize just how magical yoga can be. Suddenly they will not be able to remember a time without yoga and they will become the yogis urging their friends, even strangers (I’ve done this!) to try yoga just once, I promise you’ll feel wonderful!

Magic!

Of course I realize that none of this is magic, it is real and has been proven. But for me, and I’m sure many other people, the benefits of yoga often are hidden behind ‘barriers’ we have been fighting with most of our lives, and suddenly by getting on a yoga mat and trying this thing called yoga, things we thought could not be changed suddenly are cured, gone, and we are stronger, and we suddenly see that we were strong all along.

Magic.

Dear Saguenay, this yogini is ready so BRING IT ON

Yoga is not a workout it’s a work-in. This quote was taken from Meditations from the mat

I read this quote this morning before yoga. It resonated so much with me that I highlighted it and used it as my intention during my yoga practice. Like most people i started yoga as a way to work out. I used the opportunity of being kept in Saguenay for one more year as an experiment of what yoga could be in my life if I were to practice it every day, read about it, and try and live it through out my life. Through this process I have learned that yoga is not a work out. It has great benefits of a workout (just ask my never before existed arms and back muscles) but it is not just a work out. I guess it could be for some people, but in my opinion the other, more important, benefits of yoga are pretty hard to ignore.

I wasn’t sure why this particular morning this quote hit me quite hard, and it really stuck with me through out my practice. Then I got to advanced half moon pose.

The pose itself is not difficult for me, well that’s not true, sometimes it is rather difficult. But I have been trying out a choreography with advanced half moon pose that sometimes works, and other times really really doesn’t – this makes it quite challenging. The choreographyd I’ve been trying begins with advanced half moon (as shown above). Now in order to do the pose properly you don’t only grab your foot but you also need to open your hip. If I can successfully open my hip and remain balanced – half the work is done. But it doesn’t end there. After I have completed this pose (I try and stay for five breaths) I realign my hips to the centre and without bringing my leg or arm down I get into dancers pose.

Ok, sounds semi-normal, right? Well, I’ve accomplished this choreography maybe four times without falling in the last four months. ( I don’t do this every day, but the times that I have, I have finished it without falling a total of about four times). Today, standing on my right foot I was able to actually do the full sequence without falling. However, on my left foot, I couldn’t do it, at all. I tried three times, failed all three, and I was frustrated. I realized I wasn’t only frustrated with this dumb choreography that doesn’t even really matter. I was frustrated with moving.

Now, I want to make this clear, I WANT to move. What I’m frustrated with is not the moving itself but what is surrounding the move – the military. Being involved in the military as a member or as a spouse you need to give up control. You need to realize that sometimes there’s nothing you can do, even if the orders make no sense, you have to roll with the punches and keep going. Yesterday, we were told that we were not going to be able to move until mid December due to our possession date on the house being on December 15. We had been told in Belgium that J’s COS date (date he begins working – December 01) wouldn’t change even though we don’t get possession until two weeks after. Now, this issue has now been resolved, but this morning I did not know that.

So while I was desperately trying to hold my advanced half moon pose, balancing on my left leg, I could feel something boiling up inside me, and I heard the words I can’t do this come from the boiling point. I fell out, I got back up and tried again.

– Boiling point again
– I can’t do this again
– I fall down again.

I repeated this about three times, until finally I decided to re-evaluate. I instead did my advanced half moon pose got out of the pose, stood in mountain, and did dancers pose from there. Then I thought yoga is not a workout it’s a work-in.

It dawned on me that I had done both poses. Yes I hadn’t done it the way I had invisioned in the choreography, but I didn’t give up, nor did I push myself beyond my limits. Instead I found my balance for where I was at today. That is why yoga is not just a work out (one of many reasons). Your life seeps into your practice, almost always. And because it does you see how you’ve grown, what you need to work on, and the many reasons why you can’t balance or whatever on that particular day. Because all there is, is you and your mat, and in order to do yoga you must listen and learn not from an instructor or a book or even a guru, but you listen to you, to your body and your mind, and you learn.

I realized in that moment through these two poses and my difficulty in performing them today, that even if we had to stay in Saguenay until mid-December and move with tons of snow on the ground, we’d get through it. I knew then that it didn’t really matter, what mattered was how we spent the last few weeks here: complaining and blaming – or making the most out of our situation. I chose to make the best I could out of the situation, just like I chose to make the best out of my lack of balance in my sequence. That’s all we can do as military families. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t, we can complain and pout all we want but things continue on.

Our moving date has now been moved to December 08, giving us a buffer zone. Because one thing is certain about any move, especially a military one – there will be surprises, and we will need a buffer zone at some point.

My lesson today – Saguenay hasn’t broken me in 4.5 years, I am not about to let it break me now. So bring it on Saguenay, I’m ready for whatever you throw at me. I’ve seen it all, and I’m not about to give up now. The time on my mat hasn’t just been about toning my arms or my back, I’ve learned to roll with the punches, and I’ve learned to get back up and try again when I fall down. You won’t break me now Saguenay.

Fake it ’til you make it

I am sure you have all heard this saying before. I’ve heard it said many times in many ways. A few years ago, when I was not in a good place here in saguenay, I remember reading an article which suggested: to smile even when you are not happy. The act of smiling will produce the hormones associated with happiness. I remember vividly doing dishes and attempting to smile. I must have looked ridiculous to anyone who may have seen me if they’d looked in my window. I did end up giggling at the thought of looking ridiculous, so I’m not sure if that counts as working.

Recently, I read an article title ‘fake it ’til you make it’ I completely forgot about it until today. I haven’t had a very good day. Nothing in particular happened to make it a bad day, I just didn’t feel good. I now would describe this feeling as anxiety, something I haven’t had in quite some time. Anyways, after dinner it took me over half an hour to peel myself off the couch to do dishes, and when I finally did, the saying ‘fake it ’til you make it’ popped into my head.

As I prepared to do the dishes I decided to blast my music and sing along as if I had no anxiety, as if everything was perfect. I have to admit it did make my chore a lot more fun, but I can’t say my anxiety is gone. I can however say that getting other chores done (like taking out the garbage and reviewing my lesson plan) were easy to do as opposed to peeling myself off the couch earlier.

So maybe there is something to the saying, fake it ’til you make it. I know I’m trying, until I have the answers I need to move on (and fill you all in as to what has been plaguing me recently, again I promise I will when it’s time), until then I will plug along, trying to not let this dark cloud take over my life.

Now that I think about it, isn’t that what I do on my mat every day? I can’t say that I have an awesome practice every day, but i get on my mat anyways, I fake it until I make it. Eventually, I get out of my rut and I have an awesome practice. We can’t just allow life to bring us down completely, when do we expect to get back up then? If we allow ourselves to remain burdened , we will remain burdened. But if we fake it until we make it, eventually that dark cloud will be behind us. So yes, I will fake it until I make it, and one day soon, this dark cloud will be dust.

On another note, this coming Saturday J and I are leaving for a week of R’n’R away from city life and the Internet, which means that I will be MIA next week. I will probably continue to write and post onto my blog when we return. Getting away for awhile will hopefully help me sort some things out in my head. I plan on doing yoga as often as I can in the wonderful natural surroundings, spend time with J, my cat, and my wonderful mother-in-law cooking, talking, reading, and just allowing myself to relax before things get hectic again.

If you too are having a bad day (maybe its the full moon?) I challenge you to fake it until you make it, even just writing this post helped. Namaste.

Ahimsa

Ahimsa – listening to the voice that knows. There have been two incidences in my life where I needed to step up and find strength where I believed there was none. The first time this occurred was when my father got sick. It was a slow process of finding my strength, but I found it. However, I believed it to be a moment of disillusionment, of hiding the truth, the truth being that I didn’t have it in me.

The second time my world fell apart I found that same voice “stand tall, show them what you’re made of, protect whats yours – your life, your happiness”. This time however, I realized what it was. I wasn’t disillusioned at all.

The reason I know this is because with yoga I have become aware of my ego. I understood that a part of myself, my mind, doesn’t root for me, but against me. In this case, this voice kept saying : “you can’t do this, hide, don’t get out of bed, I want to fall a part” but I knew that wasn’t me, even in a dark moment, I was in tuned to myself.

I also realize that in both situations, I had a choice. I could have fallen a part, I could have receded into my own personal abyss and not have thought of the others around me, and myself and what I can contribute for my own sanity, and for others as well. I could have been selfish and only thought of my wounded heart, but again I wouldn’t be expressing myself to my fullest potential, had I done so.

This is not some extraordinary feat that I accomplished, we all have this voice inside of us. Long ago when my father died I had thought that this voice to stay strong, get things done, be there for others meant that I was dissociating myself from reality and that I was dilusional. But now that I compare the two moments and I read about our egos, ahimsa, and I know myself better, I see that, in those moments of emotional pain I was more intuned with my real strength, my real potential, and my true self than I have ever been. We all hear stories about people doing extraordinary things in horrible situations, it’s not just physical capabilities it is emotional as well, and we all have it as long as we listen and find how we can be of service in this moment, what can we bring to this situation, and to remember its not just about ourselves but of the community that is attached to this circumstance (be it family, city, country, or even just you and your significant other).

I used to feel awful of how I reacted when my father passed away because I believed I was disilusioned. I felt awful because of the thoughts my ego screamed into my ears, because I believed they were my truth. I realize now that my ego has a strong hold on me and has made me believe that my negative thoughts (like i am not strong enough to get through this) are my truth. But I know better now. I now see that she is the fraud, that if I had followed her orders I would be of no use to anyone even myself, that I would be limiting my potential and would still be in my abyss today. I have distinguished between my true voice and my ego.

In a more general sense, Ahimsa literally means non-violence. This is a part of the first limb of yoga (there are 8 limbs and asana (physical postures) is third on the list). Traditionally one follows the 8 limbs when practicing yoga, in the west we usually start with the third which is the asana practice. This is ok, since the limbs don’t lead to one and other, instead they work all together. So, through the practice of asana one will experience, be curious, and learn the other 7 limbs. I know I have, and if you had told me a few years ago that I would be writing about yoga, I’d have laughed in your face.

When I started reading about yoga and the 8 limbs, I had understood ahimsa as just that, non violence. I understood it in the way I ate, the words I chose, the choices I made. However, I have come to realize that ahimsa or non violence does not begin here (at least for me it doesn’t) it begins in my own mind how I interact with myself, and how I perceive I interact with the world.

For me, ahimsa means listening to the voice of lightness rather than the voice of darkness in all of us. The voice of darkness can be seen as negative thoughts, while the voice of light as positive. Each time I listen to my ego which tells me that I am not strong enough to do something, my only option is to fall apart, I’m giving in to this darkness, I’m not letting my light shine. In most of us, the darker voice is louder, as I mentioned in an early post, she usually holds the microphone in our minds, but that doesn’t mean that the light in all of us cannot shine. We just need to adjust our focus, adjust the volume, and adjust our perspective.

In my yoga practice this morning I used this concept to get through a difficult sequence I had made. A part of me wanted to give in and do an easier practice this morning, but I adjusted my perspective. I knew I had been through worse, and that I can also get through this practice. I practiced ahimsa, meaning I made sure to allow my light to shine in each pose, and I found my strength, my perserverence that has gotten me through my toughest moments.

When yoga speaks of non-violence it doesn’t just mean to the outside world, it means within us as well. In fact, I believe it needs to start here, because if you claim to practice non-violence in your life you must first learn to practice it within yourself. You need to find the light that is shining and hear its words, and when it speaks to you and tells you of your power, you need to believe that voice and show the world what you are made of.

Where do you think you can practice non-violence in your own life?

My experiences, my lessons, my worth

As some of you have figured out by now, this blog isn’t just about chronicling my living yoga for a year challenge, but also about healing. I hadn’t meant for this blog to be a place where I lay my secrets out for everyone to read, but I believe yoga has helped me heal from many things I held inside, like I said in an earlier post, past hurts that I kept in my muscles and bones.

I try to not involve people in my life that may be involved in the experiences that have hurt me, and if I have included others, I have tried my best not to tell their story (I have no right to do that) but instead, tell the story from my eyes, the way my body has internalized it.

I have struggled a lot with this these last couple of days, because while I want and need to stay true to myself, I don’t like involving others in the telling of my story. However, in order to heal, I need to stop protecting the very people that may have caused me pain due to their role in my young life as a child. Instead of allowing these experiences define me, by keeping them hidden, I need to embrace them, and the lessons they have taught me.

Yoga is scary at times. Most people get on the mat to do another form of physical exercise, however sometimes something else happens. Things we have burried in our muscles and bones start to come out, and on the mat we are forced to deal with preconceived notions we have had about ourselves, our life, the people in it, our experiences – everything. I have wanted to remain true to that for many reasons.

First of all, I am trained as a social worker (well almost – due to moving to a francophone province I cannot complete my degree – but that’s another blog post), so the fact that I have been able to heal on my mat has been revolutionary for me in many ways. It has allowed me to see how I could use yoga, when I become a trained teacher, to potentially help clients heal as well.

Second of all, I made a pact with myself to honor wherever this path of living yoga led me, and it has led me here – to healing.

I am dealing with a lot of guilt right now because I am telling secrets that involve other people, but that is what got me into trouble in the first place (at some level at least) holding onto other people’s secrets. And so I am trying not to feel guilty, but instead realize that I owe it to myself to allow myself to heal.

The fact of the matter is, I do this, I don’t view myself as worthy of things, like healing. I lay a huge guilt trip on myself on a daily basis, and today it kind of hit me, I am worthy.

This morning, as I prepared for my day, I had a thought. It went something like this: “who do you think you are going to teacher training? You are so inexperienced, and your life is so boring. Everyone there is going to be far more experienced than you in yoga and in life”. I suddenly felt as if I were back in high school trying desperately to prove my worth and failing miserably.

As I did my yoga practice, the same thoughts kept floating in my mind : you can’t do upward dog fully EVERY TIME, you wobbled in that balancing pose, your right leg can’t go into toe stand yet … . As you can imagine, fighting all of these negative thoughts, I was exhausted after practice.

I realized later on that day, that I had carried those thoughts with me, to the point that I had a nasty headache, anxiety, and I wasn’t very pleasant to be around (on a six hour drive to Montreal). I started telling J about my feelings, and he said something that opened my eyes (and my mind):

“don’t allow anyone to make you feel like your life is less than theirs”. Suddenly it was so clear, how could I possibly minimize MY OWN existence? If I don’t stand up for the value of my life, who the hell will? I have every right to go to teacher training as anyone else does, and each one of us will bring a wonderfully unique perspective to life and yoga.

I also have the right to acknowledge my experiences and their effect on me. I have every right to talk about the map that has been created on my muscles and bones because they are my experiences. I have singlehandedly judged my life as inferior to other people’s lives, and if I go to teacher training with that attitude I will feel inferior. Not beause others made me feel that way, but because I would believe it. It’s time I embrace my life, the good and the bad, because each and every experience has led me to here.

This evening I again shied away from saying what I felt. J and I were trying to watch a video in our hotel room : how to be alone (the video had come up on a radio programme we had listened to on the drive down). As we were trying to watch it (not a very strong Internet connection) j said “we like being alone, it’s nice to be alone sometimes” (we are both introverts in very different ways). I replied, “well now yes, but in the past I had trouble with it, but I don’t want to talk about that”. And I held the painful memory inside, in my muscles and bones.

I hold these stories in because, they are painful, but also because if I tell them, I might prove what I am afraid of: that I am unworthy. So, today, I end this cycle, and instead embrace the story. I do this by sharing it with you.

In grade 9 I went to a new school, an all girl’s private school. I was an awkward looking, dark-skinned, angry, and confused teenager, whose life was in turmoil at home. I went to a school full of bubbly blond (for the most part) extroverted girls. I was mocked and teased by many of them, and high school remains one of the most painful periods in my life. I was mocked because I was too skinny (in their eyes), my legs were too curvy, my hair was too curly, the list goes on and on. I remember vividly telling someone that I had gone over to a friend’s house during the weekend, and their reply was “you have friends?”.

The story I was too afraid to tell J was:

I used to eat lunch in the library, because going into the cafeteria was a nightmare I would have rather avoided. As you can imagine, at an all-girls’ school, the cafeteria was divided into cliques, and I belonged to none of them. So every lunch hour, I’d take my lunch, go to the library, and pray no one would see me. The librarian was nice enough not to say anything even though there was a no food of drink policy. As you can imagine, it was very painful for me, and I often wished I could just disappear rather than sit through the whole lunch hour praying I wouldn’t be seen.

So, being ok with being alone is recent for me. As an adult, I embraced my uniqueness and have become strong because of experiences like the ones I just described. But going through them was hellish and even thinking about them brings back pain. But that’s ok, it’s all a part of what makes me, me. And I am learning to embrace the good and the not so good, because without all of my experiences what is there but just a body?

We all carry experiences good and bad. And in order to find our path, and grow, we need to learn to embrace them. Each one of us, has something to give, and each person in the October teacher training session at Rishikesh Yog Peeth will bring a unique perspective. What we have gone through doesn’t define us, it’s what we do with it that makes us who we are. We can be burdened by our experiences, and feel unworthy, or we can listen to what our experiences are trying to teach us. We can look at them, not as individual experiences, but a culmination of what makes each and every one of us unique and beautiful.

High school was painful for me, as was my father’s death, and my parents’ unhappy marriage, but all of these things (and many more) have led me to this place. Each experience taught me something about my strength, forgiveness, love, life, acceptance, and gratitude. Yoga has helped me to listen, and so I will allow myself to heal and find my path in living yoga. Because this might just be my gift to myself, and a medium to help others as well.

It’s the first day of summer, a perfect day to look back on the past six months!

Six months ago I decided to make some changes. J and I had found out that once again the Canadian Military’s promises were worthless, our posting had been cancelled (for the fourth time). Up until that point in my life as a military wife (and before at times) I had defined my world from an outside perspective. I allowed outside forces to determine whether I was happy. I always looked to the past or future to when I was, or would finally be, content or happy. The present, in my mind, was full of stress and worry.

I knew, when J came with the news late in December that our posting had been cancelled, that I had a choice to make. At first, while he was at home for lunch, I showed no emotion, I tried to be as strong and positive as I could for him. But once he left, I knew there was sadness and anger boiling up inside me. I tried to ignore it, but couldn’t. So I decided to give it it’s five minutes of fame. I sat down, put on the saddest song I knew: breaking down by Florence and the Machine, and I let myself cry.

Here is a link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx0IMHco81I

It is also another song on my India playlist – to remind me of that day. It’s ok to breakdown, as long as you come back stronger.

I cried, and cried. After about five minutes of this (it was a bit longer but no more than fifteen) I needed to find a way to stop. I decided to count to ten, and once I reached ten I would stop crying and move on from this disappointment. It’s not that I didn’t have anymore pain inside, because I definitely did. But I also knew that I couldn’t allow myself to continue to cry, and I also couldn’t ignore it. Both of these outcomes would have led to anger, negativity, and never being in the moment. However, by giving myself that fifteen minutes of sheer disappointment, I acknowledged those feelings. By letting go, we find peace.

The act of counting to ten was therapeutic. I was crying, but with no end in sight, no way to change my circumstances. The act of counting brought me closer to the realization I needed, with each number I came that much closer.

 

That cry changed my life. As I counted I knew at 10 I would need to stop. And slowly something began to change inside me. I had a thought, why not live in the moment? I’m here for another year. I could fall victim to negativity and J and I could feed off of our respective angers and disappointments, or I could move on and let it be. I chose to move on, and instead of writing about our posting (as I was doing on a previous blog before this point), i decided to do something else. I decided to dedicate 2013 to yoga. I would get on my mat every day, and let yoga do what it wanted and needed in order to change my perspective. In other words, I became yoga’s bitch.

Why did I do this?

The fact that I understood that I needed to cry, and the realization that if I didn’t let these feelings out they would manifest into something uncontrollable, all came from yoga. They all came from me getting on my mat and getting to know myself. And so, I dedicated this year to yoga. Before this year, I got on my mat when I could. I had periods of intense yoga (like my summer of yoga last year) but nothing like this year.

I made a pact with myself to do yoga every day, even if it was for half an hour. To go beyond my comfort zone, and let yoga do what it wants with me, what it must in order for me to learn. On days that I couldn’t do yoga (sickness, fatigue, or my mandatory one day no yoga I gave myself) I meditate. Bottom line, whether I meditate or do yoga, every day I take out time to get on my mat. I take out time to reflect on my life, to challenge myself in yoga, and learn.

Six months in, and the changes are not what I expected. I don’t know what I expected, nothing really, but I also doubted that this much could change. Not only has my whole outlook on life and facing life’s problem’s changed, but:

-I am also going to India to complete a 500hr Yoga Teacher Training course

-I have done a 108 Sun Salutations salute to spring which was so rewarding and eye opening

-I have practiced all sorts of yoga: Bikram, Moksha, Ashtanga, streamed sequences, and sequences I made all on my own

-My lifestyle has changed – I eat healthier, I recently gave up meat, there is no longer the mandatory chocolate in my freezer

-I have taken yoga off of the mat and began using concentration, meditation, breathing, and positive thinking through out my life.

-I am doing postures I never dreamed that I would do: crow (still a work in progress), bound side angle pose, warrior I, hand to toe pose, standing head to knee pose, half moon pose, toe stand, I am jumping from downward dog to forward fold (yay!!) the list goes on and on.

In other words yoga went from being a physical exercise, to a vital part of my day, and a vital tool in healing and staying centered in my life.

Before this pact its not that I didn’t do yoga, but I didn’t live it, even on my mat. I was constantly berating myself for not being able to do something, I was afraid of trying anything new because in my mind my body couldn’t be trusted to protect me if I fell, and I didn’t even see my body as a whole but as pieces that couldn’t work together. My thoughts were consumed by negativity, always looking to a better future, and anger. In other words, my ego, doubt, and negativity ruled my life.

I have thought a lot this month of what i would write concerning my journey on this half way point. I even made notes, but they didn’t feel real. This morning, on my mat, was the expression I was looking for, what I was trying to say came out in my yoga practice – not through words but the beauty and peace that has become my yoga practice.

I wish you could have been there, but a description will have to suffice. I practiced a new peak practice this morning. My peak poses were king dancer’s pose and wheel.

This is an image of full king dancer’s pose (Natarajarasana). I cannot do it fully, and I knew this when creating the sequence. My goal was not to prefect it, but to see whether with proper preparation, I could go further into the pose. While I am able to rotate one arm (same side as the raised leg on each leg) I cannot do the other arm as well, my back is not flexible enough to do that back bend. However, I did notice that today my back leg was able to go further than ever before, and my pose in general was stronger.

The other peak pose I used today was wheel Urdhva Danurasasana:

I have never done this pose, I have only attempted it once before, and I didn’t like it, nor could I do it. Today was a test run. I watched a video which instructed step by step how to get into the pose and decided I would try. There are three steps to getting into this pose:

on your back, feet on the ground, palms facing down above your head, lift your pelvic area.

From here exhale and while inhaling lift your shoulders off the ground, with the top of your head still on the mat.

From here (and this is the part I couldn’t do) exhale and while inhaling lift your chest up exhale and get into the posture.

I attempted it three times and each time I couldn’t get past the second step. After the third attempt I decided that my body would not go further and got into savasana. As I lay in savasana, I began to feel bad about myself because I didn’t do my peak pose, but as I began this very old and natural train of thought, I stopped myself.

I decided then: Maria you have a choice here, you could berate yourself and define this practice from this one pose, or you can accept that this is where you are at and enjoy the rest of your practice.

That is when I knew that I have come a long way. All the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. Little things, that I take for granted on my mat, I realized today. I practice every day so it’s hard to remember how far I have come. There are so many things I couldn’t do before, that now are routine. I am not only referring to physical abilities. Not getting on my mat every day (even for meditation) is hard. It’s not that it doesn’t happen (for example on vacation the travel day, depending on how early it starts is usually a non-yoga day). But when it does happen, the next day I jump out of bed ready to get onto my mat. Being mindful, and only speaking the truth and when necessary has also become routine – I have to say this is mostly due to my Yoga off the mat Challenge from a few weeks ago, not just yoga. I can go on and on about all of the changes. I had thought, when I started this year-long challenge that if I was lucky I would at least increase my yoga knowledge on the mat, and maybe do some interesting reading. But instead, I found a whole new perspective, and a whole new way to live, I learned to be happy and at peace.

Like I said before, I have tried though out this month (and last month) to write down how I felt mid-way through, but I couldn’t get what I wanted to say out of my mind and onto the screen, until this morning. It’s as if, this morning everything I had been thinking came out through my movements, and through my peaceful practice.

If I were to describe it, my practice today was a fluid, active mediation. The sequence worked so well that each pose easily led to the next, my breathing was steady and my mind was calm. It was one of the most beautiful moments I have had on my mat up until now.

This is where I am at today in my yoga practice. It is six months in, it’s the summer solstice and when I get on my mat I feel more alive than I ever have.

Making a positive change, no matter what it is, will take you places you never knew possible in your mind and in your heart. That will allow you to see the world from a different perspective. The key, that I have learned, is any change must be taken step by step. There is no magic pill you can take that will bring you this realization. This is because it takes work, and it takes honesty. In order to take the lessons learned on the mat (or whatever activity you choose to do) and apply them to your life, you need to take a good look at who you are, and how you have become the way you are. In order to heal, you need to look at yourself in the mirror every day and learn to love what you see. It’s not about perfecting the pose, or doing the perfect run, or whatever, it’s about giving yourself a chance every day. Little by little, the changes happen without you noticing, until you have a day like today and they all just fall into place.

Namaste, and happy summer!!

Pose for thought – the chakras and yoga

I am having such a difficult time this morning, I have actually stopped in the middle of my practice to write. I’ve been reading a lot about chakras, and been focusing on postures that I have emotional and physical difficulty with all week. Today I decided to add these postures to my challenge day of attempting and focusing on crow. These postures include bow, warrior 1, and triangle. Seemingly easy postures, but I’m blocked emotionally in them. Just thinking of them adds anxiety. I now understand it’s because in the past my voice has been silenced (throat chakra), I am not self-assertive, and cannot express myself always – solar plexus, and my heart is broken and I fear not being loved – heart chakra.

I had such high hopes this morning, not to overcome these, I know that will take time, but to find a new sense of power in the poses at least, since now I understand what my body has been trying to tell me.

For the most part I did alright, but my mind kept wandering, something that hasn’t happened in awhile in yoga. I even started lesson planning at one point! Then I got to crow.

Last night I noticed my wrist hurt, but I wanted to try crow this morning. After my first attempt, I knelt down and thought about all of the advice given in any book, or web page about arm balances : If you have any wrist pain do not try these poses. I asked myself: what in the world are you doing? But I wanted to try again. I tried a total of three times before I voiced the fact that my ego was leading my practice this morning. I wanted the postures to be perfect that I focused on that instead.
I have said this many times, and I’m not sure when my mind is going to comply but my heart knows that yoga is not about perfecting a posture, but the journey that the pose takes you on. I missed that this morning. I ws so focused on getting my hips straight in warrior I, getting farther back in bow, and straying straight in triangle that I wasn’t paying attention to what is really inhibiting me from doing these posuters. Yes it’s my body, but my body has a story to tell.

It’s time I start listing to the story and stop trying to change it.

I am upset right now, and I realize that I am judging myself harshly, something I need to work on to bring balance to my chakras, but maybe realizing this is the first step. I had thought that by doing the postures, I would be able to skip all of the small steps and get to the end. But we all know that life doesn’t work that way, and either does yoga.

I have to admit, all week I attempted to write this all down, but I realize now, I am not ready to put all that I’m feeling down on paper. I need to work on it one by one. Reading a book or doing a yoga practice is not going to create change, the journey is where the lessons lie.

The end result is always far, there is always hard work and sacrifice, but that is what makes the journey so important, without it there would be no lesson. I have written this many times concerning our posting and life in general. I need to bring the same understanding, patience, and focus on the mat, and remember my body has a story to tell. It has been silent for years, trying to comply, fit in, be better, be something that someone could love. I need to start honoring my body, and allow it to tell me the story it holds in the skin, the bones, the cells, and in the fibers of my being.

Peace in the midst of chaos

In the midst of chaos I learned to balance in crow.

I feel as though my life has been chaotic this last weekend. It was the first real spring weekend here this year, so I was tempted to be outside. I spent Saturday cleaning out my chaotic car that was overflowing with language games, work papers, and winter driving gear. On Sunday, I went on my first hike this year with a friend and her boyfriend to take some yoga shots from a beautiful viewpoint. It was a lot of fun seeing my poses, and my overall body language in the shots. It was even more fun taking the partner shots with my friend. The day was full of laughter and yoga. However, in the midst of all of this activity J is preparing to leave for six weeks. It has been difficult trying to find time to spend with him, and do things that I need to do for work, and continue with my challenge. I felt like I was trying to juggle everything this weekend, and not doing a very good job of it.

But in the midst of all of this, I found balance. I reached a new level in crow. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no expert at it yet, but this morning while I prepared I thought “just get one leg off the ground each time” and at first I was doing that, except it was only my right foot, my left wouldn’t budge. So on my third try I focused on my left foot, and suddenly both of my feet were off the ground. The first time i finally got there I did the usual “oh my god” and went back down. But I knew I had found the balance and so I tried again. All together I must have tried it six times before my body cried out in fatigue, and my feet hovered off of the ground for three breaths on my longest try. To me, that is progress.

What have I learned?

Well, at first I couldn’t believe it. Only a year ago, I didn’t know my body. My limbs, my joints, my torso, my fingers, my toes, were all foreign to me. I saw them as separate parts, that were all flawed in some way. They were seperate from what I believed to be me, and seperate from each other. Now, a year later, I find that I know each and every part of my body intimately, and each part works in order for me to live and to express myself. I have learned to trust my body, to use every part of it, in order to find the strength to perform these poses. I have learned to love and respect my body and what it does for me each day. I have taken the body I saw as pieces, and I have made it into a whole. I have learned to work with my whole body in order to do poses that before, seemed impossible for me to do.

I was able to do crow this morning because I worked with my whole body. Before, I kept thinking my hands are too weak, my arms are not strong enough, my lower body is too heavy. But this morning I took all of these pieces and instead of thinking about what they couldn’t do, I visualized them working together to keep me steady. I thought of my fingers firmly on the ground. My core holding my balance between my small torso and wider lower body, I thought of the muscles and bones in my arms keeping me steady. My body was a whole, it might be weaker at some parts, but together, it works to create a flow, to create me.

Last night I was preoccupied with bringing order to my house, my environment. J is preparing to go into the woods for six weeks, and so there are military things all over my house. I was obsessed with cleaning and organizing, that I forgot, it was inside that I needed to clean and organize. The outside mess is not permanent but due to circumstances. I had allowed my outside environment dictate my life. I didn’t realize that the chaos I felt with in, had been created because I allowed it to happen. If I wanted to find peace, I needed to do it from the inside out. I needed to find calmness, and peace amongst the chaos that is military life.

I found it in the most odd pose and environment. I didnt expect to do crow this morning, I had put it into my practice last week and since it was there, I decided to try. I did it at the most oddest of times. My yoga area was a mess, due to J preparing to leave, and I felt like my life was chaotic. My whole practice was a struggle this morning. I couldn’t find peace in any pose. I guess, what I am saying, is that it surprises me that peace was waiting for me all along in crow. But at the same time, now that I have done it, I realize that getting into a challenging yoga pose does not require some magical time and space. It requires that we work from within, deal with the barriers, and subconscious thought patterns that prohibit us from going forward, from learning to fly.

When I finished and got into savasana the thought that came to my head was “I can accomplish anything”. All of the – I cant’s, it’s too hards, I am too weaks – had no truth to them, it was a part of my fear, the lies my ego tells to keep the doors closed. Let’s be clear, I am not professing to have suddenly conquered my fear, I know I have a long way to go, but this morning showed me something. I can accomplish anything. Only two weeks ago crow was out of reach, I couldn’t even visualize doing this pose, and now, not only do I have the strength, balance, and confidence to do it, but I love it as well!

Change and compassion

I attended a yoga class this evening, led by a good friend of mine, and she said something that opened a door in my mind: change is the only constant.

We are always changing. Our breathing changes through out the day. We become more flexible as we shift and move our joints. Our moods change. Our minds change. A smile from a stranger might brighten our day. A hug from a loved one might remind us that we are safe. Change is the only thing that is constant. We can only rely on that. Everything else is unreliable.

I often get caught up in something, and it seems at the time that this something will be constant. Whether it be work-related, an argument with J, a misunderstanding with a friend, an unfriendly person at the grocery store. These things become a part of me, and I hold them as representations of who I am. I forget that everything changes. The negative person exits our lives once we start our car and leave for home. A misunderstanding can be resolved, an argument can be discussed and a compromise can be made.

Change is the only thing we can rely on.

Saturday, I began practicing the more difficult poses that I was afraid of, most notably plough. This evening during our yoga practice, I did plow, full, with no training wheels. When my friend asked us to get into the pose, I almost stated to myself that i wouldn’t do it. But as I learned today in my reading from the book The Pure Heart of Yoga: The Essential Streps for Personal Transformation, in order to rid ourselves from negative statements, we must learn to say the opposite and make these new statements our subconscious thought patterns. So I changed my pattern of “I can’t do this” to, “of course I can do this”. I hovered above the ground for some time, and when our instructor had asked us to come out of the pose, I knew I could go further, and so I stayed. Suddenly, without me even realizing I was that close, my toes touched the ground behind me. And, unlike what I had thought it would feel like, I felt a sudden calmness, all that stress of getting into the posture, lifted away and I suddenly knew, I could always do it. The barrier I had created was not as strong as I had made it out to be. Those subconscious thought patters were not so set in stone as I had made them out to be, they were not and are not truths.

In the same book that I have been reading, the author asks the reader to come up with an intention. He urges the reader to not go with the first intention they think of, beause it will be a surface intention driven by the ego. I did the mental exercise he had instructed the reader to do, and after some thought decided that compassion was going to be my intention. At first I wanted to be compassionate to those I didn’t understand, to not judge them. But after thinking about this for awhile, I realized that in order to be compassionate to those around me, I needed to first allow myself to be compassionate with myself. I knew that if I learned to do that, I would naturally be compassionate to everyone around me. I noticed a couple of things since then.

During my yoga practice at the studio, we were asked to go into dancer’s pose, but after a few breaths to open our extended hip. I had never done dancer’s this way, and felt awkward in the pose. My first reaction, on the first leg, was to allow myself to topple over. I say allow because I didn’t fall over, but didn’t push to stay in the pose. I was extremely upset with myself after having toppled over. I could feel a well of tears come up, that is how little faith you have in yourself – is the thought that crept up. I then started to berate myself for not being more compassionate with myself, it was not a good moment for me, I had begun a cycle of negativity, and for a moment I thought I was stuck in that cycle. But we had one more leg to do, and I was determined to try harder, and
prove to myself that this is not permanent. I fell down, but I can try again. This next time I breathed through it, moved with my breath, and I did the pose. I conquored my habits for that moment.

While I am happy to see these changes, I also have dug deeper to what the issues are, and last night I realized something that upset me a lot. I have also realized that these subconscious thought patterns don’t only affect us, but also the environment we are in. I realized this morning, that I have difficulty complimenting someone without sneaking in something they need to work on as well. I see this mostly with J. I’ll compliment him on a job well done with my car for instance, but then subtly remind him that he had forgotten to do something the day prior. This was totally subconscious on my part. Consciously I don’t want to be the kind of person that can’t compliment without pointing out a flaw. I don’t know why I have been doing this, but I think it might have to do with what I am used to as well.

I grew up in a close knit family. However all the cousins had someone their age but me, I was right in the middle, between the big kids and the little kids. I was also a very shy child, who tended to be a little more serious than she needed to be. I was picked on a lot, and even today, there are some family members who will always point out flaws I have, without these flaws having been warranted as a topic of discussion. This hurts most times, because I am not prepared to be analyzed in a harsh way at the dinner table, and while I see it as a sign of weakness in the other person, it doesn’t change the fact that I have been hurt by this countless times. It upsets me a lot that I have somehow picked up this habit, as maybe a sort of defense mehcanism. I know that in the past I have been very hard on myself, and I have expected perfection, I think I might use this to prove to myself that J or someone else is not perfect so ha, I’m still better. It makes me very sad that I do this, because I know what it feels like. But I need to remember, that this doesn’t need to be permanent. Realizing this, is a part of my journey through the poses that are opening doors, but also, allowing me to see how I must change my thought patterns in order to be more compassionate.

Without even realizing it, my intention to attempt this pose, and work on it actively, and my intention of compassion for myself, were (and still are) changing me all along. Change is the only constant, and so when we set out to do something, even if it seems impossible at first, taking that first step, allows for all the small steps we need to get to our goal. It opens the door for all the changes that will eventually transform us. For me, it opened the door for compassion for myself, and then for the people in my life that deserve my love and support even when they do make mistakes. We are all on a unique path, and we are all going to fall down. Instead of pushing one another down with our words, we must try and understand, lend a helping hand, and continue to guide and support one another. Life is not constant, it is always changing, and so even when we are stuck in the muck, or surrounded by closed doors, it doesn’t need to always be that way. It can and will get better, as long as we are willing to take a step forward with open minds and hearts.