India visa application time again! Anxiety vs calm, necessity vs choice

I’m about to go apply for my India Visa. It’s funny the last time I did this I was all nerves. I remember vividly at one point after I had handed over all of the relevant documents and such to the post office, I had a thought – I’m not going to India in October. At this point Belgium was just a whisper, not even a possibility, but something inside me knew. I knew this deep inside me, that I couldn’t even do the application on my own, I had my friend do it. I see now that my intuition was fighting with my mind. I knew I wasn’t going, I just knew, but I wasn’t ready to face that yet. This time, I was adamant to figure it all out on my own. J was there with me in case the computer failed me, but I did all of the research, I figured out what I needed to do, and what documents I needed to bring. A stark difference from last time.

This time around, while it’s a lot of work and double checking, I’m calm. I’m about a month away from going and I’m not anxious at all, I have a feeling that everything will just work out. Last time I sent my application in as early as possible, this time, I am sending it now, not out of fear or anxiety, but because this has been the first semi-free day that I’ve been able to gather my papers and make the drive up to Brussels. And that’s the big difference between the first time and now. Back in August I was anxious, and as the month progressed it seemed that all things having to do with India were forced.

There’s a difference between making something happen and forcing something to happen. Today, we made things happen. We woke up early, set up the computer and prepared all of my paper work. Slowly, methodically, calmly. Last time I went quickly, I had to do each step at an allotted time or else – or else what? A part of me knew I wasn’t going in October, but I wasn’t ready to accept that, and so I rushed and forced and instead of noticing the signs all around me, I ignored my gut feeling to wait for when the time was right – a lesson I continuously fail to learn apparently!

It’s quite strange really. Last year India was an ultimatum, we had to stay in northern Quebec an extra year, so I decided that I was going to India. This year it’s a choice. I could choose not to go and my life wouldn’t crumble. I’ve got a lot going on here, a home to organize, a town to explore, travelling to do, etc., but I know I want to go. I’m not forcing something to happen in order to temporarily solve another problem by escaping it. Instead, I’m going to India to expand on my life and explore my possibilities.

For a long time now India has been on the back burner. Back in Canada we had to organize a huge move in 2.5 weeks, once the movers came and our things left for Europe, it was our turn to move. Since then our lives have been one errand after another with no breaks. Yoga has even gone from being the centre of my world to a rare activity unfortunately.

Now India has become the link between my life in Quebec to my life here in Belgium. It’s the in-between. I have no idea what is going to happen at teacher training and I am not about to start hypothesizing on something that I’ve never experienced before. But in my life right now, as I prepare for this journey, India is a time of reflection. I am going there reflecting on my life in Quebec, the challenges, the mistakes, the heart aches, achievements I have faced and I’m saying good bye to that part of my life.

But that part of my life has become a part of who I am. I feel it every day. I even walk up the stairs in our home and turn left – every single time – even though now our bedroom is on the right – and I know this, because on the left is my yoga room. But my mind is stuck back in Quebec. I need to put it to rest, and so I go to India to put the fearful me, the insecure, the anti-social me away, because I can begin to see how Belgium will change me, and in order to grow in this new place, I need to say good bye to the walls I built in the last 4.5 years.

What India will become, who knows! For right now it’s a moment for me to put some things to rest, test my boundaries and see where I will end up.

For a long time I’ve been excited about this move, from the moment I walked into the India visa application office I’ve been excited for this new adventure. No stress instead a clam understanding that everything will work out the way it is suppose to in the end.

It only takes one small, tiny step

I have often read about people putting yoga to the side only to discover it again. I never really understood these articles, what in the world could happen that would prevent someone from getting on the mat even for some breathing exercises? Well, that question was answered for me last week:

Life gets in the way.

Due to our HHT last week, I missed one day, then two, then three, and before I knew it getting on the mat felt like I was about to climb a mountain, I couldn’t do it, I had forgotten what it was like being on my mat. I became sacred of my mat – not sure what I was afraid of exactly, but fear had set in, and I wasn’t sure how to get back onto my mat.. And that’s what fear does. You avoid until the little step becomes a mountain to climb – or so your ego leads you to believe. The trick is to realize that this is an illusion created by fear.

Of course, usually people stop their yoga practice because of life changes, and that is precisely what happened to me last week. We were searching for a home in a new country, and I was trying to place my feet on the ground in that new land. I thought I had to put all my energy there, and by doing so I let go of a part of myself. We often do that with change, or at least I do. I jump into it rather than keeping a balance between my routine and change. I do this because I fear that if I don’t jump into it I’ll cling to my past and not accept the changes that inevitably come with this magnificently paradoxical life of a military wife.

However, I have learned that you can’t lose yourself in the change. You need to maintain a delicate balance, and that’s what I forgot. By letting go of yoga I had let a part of myself go, I had begun to ignore my body, and so my soul began seeking happiness and fulfilment from outside instead. And so our first day back in Sanguenay I was happy that I couldn’t find time for my mat because getting on it felt like I was about to climb a mountain. By the end of the day however I forced myself to get on my mat for five sun salutations at 9:30 pm, first step to balance achieved.

It was hard, my body screamed at me, my ego cried but I did it, and the next morning my eyes popped open at 6 am and I knew it was time to get back on my mat, for real.

People say that when you stop doing something you love, once you begin again it’s like riding a bike, it’s even more exhilarating with yoga. I felt like my whole body was stretching, my bones, my skin,my ligaments, even my cells – they all sighed in relief. I felt like I was waking myself up from a deep sleep one cell at a time.

I’m actually glad I took that break because I think I was starting to take yoga for granted. It had become a part of my routine that I forgot just how miraculous and wonderful it was. This morning, while it was hard, it also brought me back to my centre, back to me. And I don’t think it was a coincidence that hallelujah was playing as I ended my practice. It was a perfect end, I got up from savasana, smiled at J who was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and said “hallelujah”. I felt centered and ready for the next two weeks filled with lists, organizing, a house full of furniture – preparing for our move. I felt like I was again standing firmly on the ground, having conquered the mountain that was me getting back onto my mat. Conquering the fear that made one tiny step feel like a trek up a mountain.

It only takes one small, tiny step.

HHT is over and I learned a few lessons about letting go

Our HHT is almost over. We have come to Brussels in order to catch our flight back to Canada first thing tomorrow morning. I have to say, this HHT has been fabulous. Today we visited the town we will soon be calling home – Braine-le-Comte and I have fallen in love. It is exactly what we wanted. Little shops everywhere filled with everything we will need from clothing, hats, purses, fish, fruits and vegetables. It’s a really cute and friendly town, it was bustling, just like I imagined our town in Belgium to be. We were also pleasantly surprised by the majestic forest which is a walk away from our home, something we’ll definitely take advantage of!

I have been having a difficult time accepting that we have to return back to canada before we can begin our life here in Belgium. I realize that this is something not to worry about, however it is my reality and I needed to deal with it. I realized this morning that I am not upset that we have to return, I’m afraid of all that needs to be done.

An HHT is meant to give the military member and his/her family time to find a home in a new place. However, I also think that it is a time of letting go. I’ve found that this week I’ve finally realized that our life is about to change drastically, and thankfully it seems to be in a very interesting place. However, I need to learn to let go of a few things.

1. Letting go of fear

The first thing being fear. I’m afraid of everything that needs to be done, but I’m also afraid of everything falling a part. What I need to accept is that things might not go so smoothly with the packing and the move, but it will all get done. Also, sometimes things do work out, not everything ends with disappointment (like our previous postings). I need to allow myself to experience this moment withou being afraid. Whatever happens in the next three weeks, I need to learn to let go, and accept the challenges, stresses, and run-arounds that are a part-and-parcel of a move with the military and to Europe.

2. Letting go of routines

I knew that my yoga every day challenge would be ‘challenged’ the moment we got our message that we were moving to Belgium. For the first time this year I haven’t done yoga every day this week. Actually I’ve only done yoga twice this week. At fist I wanted to punish myself and get on my mat and do a hard core yoga class to compensate for the days i missed (and all the yummy food, wine and desserts I’ve been consuming) but then I realized something. Yoga is not a punishment, working out should also not be a punishment. My reality at the moment is that yoga was not a priority this week, and while I miss it terribly I have been having a very good time and I should celebrate this rather than feel bad about it. Yoga will always be a part of my life, and learning to find it off the mat is also a part of that journey.

HHT’s by nature disrupt your routine. Trying to maintain it can lead to some unnecessary stress at a time where change is coming at you from every single direction. While maintaining a routine when possible is great, letting go of that routine in order to live in the moment and experience what life is like in your soon to be home is also a very important part of the process.

Letting go of routine is what I was most afraid of this week, and what scares me of going back home. I thought my routine had been disrupted before the HHT with the endless meetings and phone calls. If I could I’d go back to me three weeks ago and warn her that she had no idea what disruption to her routine meant. In the next two weeks I should expect to experience little to no room in our living quarters due to furniture coming in and going out, endless meetings, endless lists of what to take and not take with us (which also means moving furniture around and unpacking boxes which have been packed since we moved to saguenay), and endless surprises and confusion.

In an HHT you need to learn to accept that you have little to no control. You need to remember that even though you feel lost and confused it will all work out in the end, and your personal centre, your inner calm, is waiting for you just around the corner.

3. Letting go of your previous life

This is not a hard one for me overall, however I have learned that some things will change once we move.

I’m happy to announce being a vegetarian in Belgium will be easier than I thought. I’ve found all my staple foods including tofu, coconut oil, natural peanut butter, and endless supplies of a variety of fruit and vegetables.

However, peanut butter (the non natural kind which I use for peanut sauce and J’s go-to peanut butter) is impossible to find. We are planning on buying all of the peanut butter we can possibly buy at Costco.

Being Canadian we love our maple syrup (that is, real Canadian maple syrup), again we can’t find this here (unless we want to pay close to 20.00 for it) so again, we will be buying it from Costco.

Driving – I’ve mentioned some strangeness to the driving here, another thing I noticed were the endless amounts of round-abouts. I have no problem with them in general, but when there are two lanes in the round-about then I have a problem. It’s not like you are spending a lot of time in there, what in the world is the point of the second lane? I asked J if I would get in trouble if I stayed on the outer lane at all times, he’s assured me I will not get into trouble. I will be the girl driving very slow through the round-about, and if I do find myself on the inner lane, I will be the girl going round and round with a frightened look on my face – I apologize to all Belgians in advance.

Instead of saying merci (or thank you), or derien (or your welcome), people here say s’il vous plait (or please). Here’s an example:

A waiter brings your your plate of food and says “enjoy your meal”
You respond: “thank you”
He says, “please”.
(All in French of course).

At fist I thought I missed something, the second time it happened I thought it was just a coincidence, but after a couple of days I realized everyone did this. The way I see it, they are saying no problem, for example oh please it’s no big deal! Who knows?! I still haven’t gotten used to it, and each time I say merci, and have a response of s’il vous plait I can’t help but giggle.

Before the HHT I was excited but I couldn’t imagine my life away from Saguenay. The HHT while full of necessities such as finding a house, is also a great introduction to the end of our time of where we have called home for the last 3.5 years. I have realized that I need to let go of some things that I have come to rely on, such as my routine. I also think that having realized this, has put me ahead of the game of where I was at when we first began our journey to Quebec three and half years ago.

Our HHT is coming to an end, and I thought I would be a mess at the thought of returning to Saguenay. Instead I am excited to get back and count down the days to our new home and new life in lovely Belgium.

Pose for thought: backbends, forward folds, and proper alignment

I am not a big fan of standing back bends. In general, in order to do a backbend you need to expose your chest. This sounds strange I know, I didn’t get why that was so significant in yoga at all, until I did my fist backbend. I was under the impression that a backbend meant going back, what did that have to do with the chest at all? I wasn’t even sure if I was able to ‘open my chest’. We don’t realize it, but we rarely expose our front torso, or chest, we rarely stand upright ready to be open to whatever happens. I’ve noticed that even though I don’t have horrible posture, I do tend to slouch a little. This stems from my pelvic floor, which influences the spine and the chest. My pelvic floor is tilted forcing my spine forward and my shoulders to slouch. That’s just the physical aspect of this. Slouching is also due to fear, fear of vulnerability , so we hide ourselves, we hide our heart, our true self, by caving in our chest and slouching. So when I was asked to bend backwards in my first yoga class, I thought I could at least attempt it. Little did I know, that once my chest was open a fear and vulnerability overwhelmed me, causing me to retreat back and skip that backbend. While some of my fear was a fear of getting hurt (I felt pain in my back, and I was sure my neck could not support my head in that position) it also stemmed from my lack of trust in showing the world who I truly am, and preferring to hide behind my slouched shoulders.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I’ve been practicing yoga almost every day for ten months now, and many of my poses have changed. But my backbends have remained the same: hard, painful, and avoided at all costs. The reality is though, I haven’t been able to avoid them. Yes, I can choose to not put any standing backbends into my practice, and I must admit I have avoided them, my ego refused to listen to the logic that the pose you fear the most is the pose you should do. But they are a part of the sun salutations, and when doing those I could not avoid the backbend. The weird thing is I don’t have the same problems with backbends on the floor. When I first began yoga they were hard, they brought up painful truths, but eventually I was able to open my chest and allow myself to be vulnerable, at least on my mat. I can’t say I am a master of floor backbends, but they don’t cause me pain. They’re hard, but I welcome them, it’s the standing that remains unchanged. I believe this has to do with lack of a proper set up for the backbend, and lack of good posture in general.

As I mentioned earlier, we don’t only bend back in a backbend. While researching for this post, and for proper alignments in backbends I found an awesome post written about them on wordpress. This post, and a book I’m reading, really helped me understand proper alignment.

Before really looking into backbends I used to bend back into my lower back. I tried not to, I knew it was wrong and my back told me so with pain many times, but I had no idea how to remedy this. I assumed it was something to do with the way my back was.
I have a very tiny lower back, and my pelvic bone naturally slants forward (maybe not naturally but due to bad posture not sure) this leads to a lot of lower back pain in both forward folds and back bends (oh did I mention I don’t like forward folds either?). Ever since I can remember, I have heard yoga instructors caution to not bend from the lower back when attempting a standing backbend. I have been cautioned to arch my back up and back, imagine a beach ball on my back and fold onto it – but none of this made any sense. I would try, but inevitably I would bend from my lower back and feel a lot of pressure. The article mentioned above does a great job of explaining how to properly do a backbend. The movement is not just back, it’s up and out. What does this mean?

Recently I have attempted the guidelines presented in The Heart of Yoga concerning yoga poses. My reading began with forward folds, and how to do them properly, and from this I have been able to develop a more intelligent practice with all of my poses using body awareness.

Breathing correctly in yoga is crucial, so is proper alignment. In terms of the forward fold, from tadasana, we don’t just merely fold forward, we first inhale and allow that inhale to bring our torso up (as if a string is attached from the sky to your head – pull up), we open our chest, and from there we begin to go forward from our lower spine, we don’t crumble forward bringing our shoulders in and our chest caved, we lean down with our chest open and our back straight, we bring our stomach to our thighs (if possible, if not bend the knees). For someone who could not touch her toes when beginning yoga, asking me to now bend my knees in order to properly do a forward fold was hard to swallow. I basked in the glory of touching my toes, with straight legs, for so long , but I knew I needed to take a step back and relearn these poses that shouldn’t be giving me back pain.

So that was the first lesson of how to properly begin a forward fold. But the author had more to say about preparing for deep postures. Instead of just going forward and remaining there for five breaths, he cautions that we should first go down for one breath, then for two, then for three, and then for the full five breaths. This allows for a warm up. The forward fold and the backbend are both found in the sun salutation, and since these are done at the beginning of practice, and for the most part practice is done in the morning (if possible), folding forward or bending backwards is not easy to do first thing in the morning. So taking it slow for the first backbend or forward fold made sense. By doing it this way I have found that each time I go down my forward fold becomes deeper, to the point that when I want to finally get into my pose, I go deeper than I would have ever imagined. I had no problem touching my toes or the ground. I realized that before my issue was the way I folded: I jutted forward caving my chest in, trying desperately to bring my chest to my thighs but obviously failing miserably, and inevitably causing myself pain that shouldn’t have occurred in the first place.

My forward folds changed dramatically, but I was still feeling pain in my back. Last week as I was doing a backbend during my sun salutations I noticed that I felt a pinch in my lower back. I knew I had felt this before, but had ignored it since I have always had back pain of some sort most of my adult life. I realized that day, that yoga should have eliminated this pain, and in general my back pains had gotten better, but I was causing myself new pain, I knew I needed to address this. I decided to use the same principles that I had read about for the forward fold. Begin with my foundation.

The key is to having a firm foundation to begin with, is to start with your feet. Today especially, I paid attention to my feet through out practice, did I feel grounded, was my whole foot on the ground, were my feet centred? I imagined my feet anchored to my mat. Ironically the one pose I forgot to focus on my feet on half moon pose (non Bikram style) I toppled over. By focusing in on the foundation, you can then continue with the rest of your body to create the ideal structure to hold your pose.

Next I focused on my legs, were they active? Were my knees straight and locked? I then moved to my pelvis which as I’ve mentioned tilts forward. In order to remedy this I need to open my chest and strengthen my core. Strengthening the core for a backbend is crucial since it takes the pressure off of the lower back. The article mentioned above does a great job of explaining this. Once I did this I knew I was ready:

Deep inhale, arms go up, once the arms are up stretch your body up as if to reach the sky (keeping your body firm), hips go slightly forward and then bend back only as much as is comfortable.

We often forget in our competition driven society that yoga is about union, freedom, acceptance, and compassion. When we begin practicing yoga these concepts, for me at least, were foreign. Instead we come to the mat scared about trying something new, intimidated because we are convinced our bodies will fail us, and withdrawn out of fear that everyone will see that we are not worthy. But we slowly begin to see that we can do some poses, but we fight to do more, we must outdo ourselves to prove that we are worthy. If we fight our bodies to get into poses (like a deep backbend) we are not encompassing the ideas of freedom, union, acceptance, or compassion. Instead we are creating more pain, we are literally and figuratively putting pressure on ourselves to be or do something we are not. We deal with these pressures from society every other time of today, on the mat we should honour our bodies for what they are able to do – even if it’s just a slight backbend, done right it will make you feel amazing. There is nothing our bodies can’t do, but expecting them to do these things right away is unrealistic, it will cause pain (physically and emotionally) and is the opposite of acceptance and compassion.

I realize that my backbend issues have a lot to do with my overall posture rather than just setting up for the pose, and that my posture has more to do with opening myself up to vulnerability than a weird back. I also realize that it will take a while to pay attention to my body off the mat, but yoga helped me see that no matter how many backbends or forward folds I did, as long as I continued to ignore my body off the mat, I would come across the same problems and pains again and again. I could have continued to ignore the issues and practice the way I was used to, push through the forward folds and backbends, but I would have eventually hurt myself. I could feel it last week and the week before, my back was starting to scream for me to wake up and get down to the basics of yoga rather that ignoring where my body was at. The reality is as I continue to practice I see that we become our worst enemies. I can do a lot of poses that I was unable to do just a few months ago. Our ego loves this, it wants us to keep on going. Our ego likes to think poses we learned long ago are now easy and unimportant so we should get through the easy poses in order to get to the more interesting and difficult poses because they are where it’s at, they make yoga cool. But the truth is, this kind of thinking is not yoga at all, even the simplest pose, savasana, is not simple at all. It’s as much a part of yoga as crow or headstand is.

It seems that the more we learn, the more we forget about the basics. Its the same with life in general. When I started this blog I was unhappy living in francophone Quebec. I realized that it wasn’t a matter of moving that would make me happy. I had to get down to the basics of my life and learn to be happy from there. You start small, in order to build to great change. It’s important to sometimes take a step back and work from the beginning again in life and in yoga. In yoga, begin with your feet and follow your body all the way up – with patience and love – before it’s too late and you’re forced off the mat.

Have the courage to accept the things you cannot change

Yesterday after my practice my intention courage became something else. As I was finishing my practice I thought : have the courage to accept the things you cannot change. I’ve been repeating this mantra since then, on and off the mat.

Changes happen sometimes without our knowledge. Today as I was finishing my practice I realized how so many poses have changed physically, but also have changed me overall. Four months into my challenge this year, I wrote a post about my fear of plough pose (Halasana). Actually I wrote many of them before and after, but here is the post I’m talking about. I made it a mission to be able to get into it without my eyes filling with tears of past hurts I didn’t even know I was holding onto, and without leaping out of it out of fear I would fall backwards. My mission began with pillows above my head to place my feet on, and slowly I would take a pillow away until there were no pillows left. After that my mission became attempting unsupported plough pose for a max of five breaths.

I literally used training wheels, the title of that post, to learn plough pose. As I stated in that blog post, my fear was not only physical. Many yoga poses trigger feelings we may not know we had been holding onto. For me (and many people) plough pose brings up issues of trust, fear of letting go, fear of no control. Today as I practiced my inversion sequence it occurred to me that I conquered some of those fears through yoga and through my mission to conquer this pose.

It’s not only that I can do the pose easily, I now have a sequence I do every day, at the end of my practice:

Inversion sequence (after back bends, forward bends, and before final twist pose)

Half shoulder stand – 5 breaths
From there get into plough on an exhale (yes I now only need one) arms extended and clasped – 10 breaths
From plough bring legs up one at a time to get into unsupported shoulder stand – 10 breaths
From there on an inhale come back down to half shoulderstand – 5 breaths
On an inhale bring legs to ground and get into fish pose (counter pose to inversions) – 5 breaths

Savasana.

Inversions are a great way to relax after a yoga practice. They also help alleviate back pain and insomnia among many other things. (Side note: if you haven’t ever practiced inversions it is recommended you do so with the guide of a trained yoga instructor since they can be dangerous if done improperly).

There was something else I noticed today as well. It has been two days of crow (bakasana), I still fall out, but I realized something this morning as I practiced. I’m going to do this. It was my voice, the voice that was so negative before, but my inner dialogue had changed. Before, on my first challenge of crow I was plagued with negative thoughts – I can’t do this, my arms are too weak … . I noticed this morning those thoughts are gone. I know I can, has replaced I can’t and I will in time, has replaced I’m too weak. That was when I began to smile as I did yoga.

In a previous post about crow I had mentioned the changes in my inner dialogue. My inner dialogue hadn’t necessarily changed, but I was more aware of it. Here is that post. Now, my inner dialogue has transformed. I guess that’s what nine months of yoga will do.

I find it quite interesting that I am facing a pose that I had attempted to face earlier this year. During that time (March and April) I was ready to face plough pose, but I wasn’t ready to face crow. My attempt at crow came from my ego. I wasn’t ready to face the work that had to be done. I took it personally every time I fell out, it meant I was not good enough. This was because I was coming from a place of fear. A place where I didn’t have the courage to accept what I couldn’t change. I wanted so desperately to do crow pose, because, why? Because according to my ego mastering crow pose meant that I was a yogi, it meant that I was good enough. Many people get this impression of yoga, that a yogi is someone that can get into really cool and difficult poses. That’s not yoga at all. A person can get into a pose like headstand, but without breath and movement in mind, without meditation, this is not yoga, it’s just acrobatics. Yoga is a discipline, one in which requires patience and the willingness to work hard where you are at.
Not where you think you “should” be.

A good friend of mine once said to me smile! Yoga is suppose to be fun! I didn’t understand what she meant then. I wasn’t ready to face courage, to accept where I was at. Today I realized how far I have come.

Have the courage to accept the things you cannot change.

I might not be able to change the fact that I can’t fully do crow yet, but having the courage to face that means not avoiding it, but working with my body to where I know I can. By the end of April I had begun avoiding it, because I began to believe that maybe I wasn’t good enough for this. I took a step back, worked on what I could do. I saw this as failure, but now I see it was my first step into transforming the negative into the positive. From that retreat that my ego called defeat I learned to Find the work that needs to be done in each pose.

Find the work that needs to be done in order to find peace and happiness.

I ended my practice this morning with a smile, I’m still smiling (I must look goofy!). I may have fallen out of a balancing pose, I may have not done crow, but my practice was beautiful.

Life is beautiful. It’s always changing – that we can be sure of, for the rest have the courage to accept the things you cannot change.

Reminder: if you managed to teach someone one thing, you did your job well

This morning, I received a phone call from the company that processes India visas. Apparently I did not sign the first page of my application, and my money order was ten dollars short. I have to admit the process of getting an India visa (in Canada at least) is not at all pleasant, so it’s no surprise that there was some confusion on my part (it could have been anyone).

However, when I received the phone call I panicked. I wanted to resolve it in that moment. I was convinced that the post office was open on Saturdays and could only be calmed down and convinced otherwise when J called and no one answered. However this didn’t help, I became more upset at the idea of having to sit with this problem all weekend, I was convinced that it wouldn’t get done and I wouldn’t have a visa to get to India. Then it occurred to me:
what in the world was this worrying going to do? How is it going to help the situation?

it won’t, I thought it will ruin my weekend and so I made a choice, to not worry.

What could I control? I could print out my application form, sign it and have it ready for Monday. So I did that, and as I had this revelation, I began to cry. It felt so freeing to just let it go and not be jailed by this made-up fear and worry. I realized I had successful beaten my ego in that moment, I had taken control of my mind and my soul and I had brought myself back to the moment, breakfast with the man I love. The tears ran down my face in gratitude. Gratitude to the teacher within me (my soul/the universe) that has been patiently trying to teach me this lesson.

I wrote a post yesterday, it seems that lessons keeps coming up this week for me. I’m not listening, and I am allowing my mind to convince me that I am weak, and ultimately allow it to run the show.

Here is the post:

I have a recurring problem in the classroom, I take it personally when a student doesn’t understand my explanation. I make it a mission in the short time that I have to give them all the information they need to understand whatever it is I am trying to teach.

I had such an experience today. Yesterday I had begun to review the perfect tenses. For those that don’t know English grammar, an example of a present perfect sentence is:

I have lived here for three years.

Simple, if your first language is English. Very hard if it is not and the perfect tense doesn’t exist in your language. Francophones don’t have a perfect tense in their language and so it is more appropriate for them to say I live/lived here for three years, or a more common example I hear in my classroom how long you worked here?

In the English language these sentences (by omitting the auxiliary verb – have) do not link the past action to the present. That is what the whole existence of the perfect tense is for – to show a connection of a past event to the present moment – very technical I know, English grammar is very technical.

I had grand plans this week because this class is a review course meant for students that have obtained their intermediate level. I thought I could just review the perfect tenses, and all other tenses this week and spend next week on other parts of the English language: count vs non count nouns, conditional sentences, reported speech, passive sentences – the really juicy stuff.

But today I spent the whole day backtracking on something I had reviewed the day before. At first I felt defeated, I though that they had understood it yesterday, but it was clear that they were still confused. It was hard not to put myself down, I felt like I had not done my job. At the end of the day, I was glad it was over, and was going to go home and find some more oral and written activities using the present perfect (by the way I am open to suggestions!!).

I realized when I got home I felt like I hadn’t done my job, I felt like I had let them down because they still made a few errors using this tense. But then I remembered a wise phase someone told me:

If you managed to teach one thing today you did your job.

For me the distinction of the past simple vs the present perfect is obviously very clear. The fact that it is not clear to my students just yet doesn’t mean that I have failed them. Some of them are starting to understand, and the others will get there with time. That is the key phrase here: people learn at their own pace (especially languages!).

I didn’t like the feeling I had coming home, and no one gave me this feeling, I did it to myself all on my own. I hope I have finally realized that not only is learning a language a process, in whcih I am not expected to create miracles but provide some undersranding. But also, I hope I begin to realize that yoga too is a process, and sometimes I will have trouble getting into a pose, sometimes I won’t even be able to, and that is ok. I learn every day, and if I have managed to teach someone (be it myself on the mat or a student in class) one thing, then I did my job.

Learning a language is a process, you have to work at it day in and day out, and you never stop learning your second language. It begins with understanding and using the tenses and becomes creating complex sentences. You begin with words and you end with tales. Yoga is the same thing, it’s a process.

This can be taken onto the mat as well. Some people are able to get into poses like crow, or handstand on their first try, for others maybe on their fiftieth, and still for others maybe never. People learn at their own pace, the job of the teacher is not to produce miracles, but to hold someone’s hand along the process. To give them little bits of information as is needed to learn, and to provide hope that someday this will all make sense.

Last week I had a moment of anger which I allowed not only to take over my speech, but after the fact also take over my soul. I felt guilty for days. I believed that I was not a good teacher and would not be a good yoga teacher based on someone else’s judgement of me. Of course, i also judged someone, and so this was a lesson as well.

Don’t judge lest ye be judged

The point of yoga is not to be perfect: to be beyond anger and negativity, yoga is not about suddenly being above everyone else. Yoga is an activity we do every day. We work at it every day. It is yoga because we work at it actively, we take a step back and we learn from our mistakes. Learning, in life, never ends, it only ends if we choose so.

Namaste

Finding my voice on and off the mat

December 2012 I decided to make some changes in my life. I had realized that if I wanted to be happy I had to change some things, and that it was in my power to do so. There were two decision I made that changed my life.

1. I started this blog.

2. I decided to go to India at the end of 2013

These two things didn’t happen at the same time. As some of you know this blog began as an account of our most recent posting (which was cancelled by the new year) and the experiences of being a military wife.

When our posting got cancelled, I had to reevaluate. At that point, I had lived here for four years.  The first year-and-a-half I was unemployable due to my language barrier. The next 2.5 years after my period of unemployment I worked for many different language schools.  What this means is that each August-September and January-February, I went out seeking new contracts.  Some sessions were good, other times not so great.  In general, as I worked more and more contracts, my hours increased, however, there is never a guarantee  that there will be work.  And if the timing doesn’t work for you, there will most definitely be some other Anglophone just as good as you to take your place.  Those periods, the time before contracts got started, were always stressful.  When I thought we were being posted out of here I breathed a sigh of relief, this meant no more praying, crying, waiting, and hoping that someone will have a contract for me (among other things that come along with living in Northern Quebec). When we found out that we were in fact not moving this year, I knew I had to make some changes. I wasn’t quite sure what they were, I knew I wanted to work.  I’ve said this before, me and homemaking don’t mix.  I just wasn’t sure I wanted to work for less than what I deserved at a job that demands I bring my work home (and sometimes not get paid for those hours depending on the contract).

I had played around with the idea of “one day” doing a teacher training, but never really thought about it, and definitely never announced such plans. With our posting having been cancelled I was left with a year and a half stuck in Saguenay. Everything just seemed to fit, that this was the best time.  It took me awhile to realize this and the day I decided that I was going to India in 2013 will forever be clear in my memory.

I was getting ready for bed, actually brushing my teeth, and I just knew, I looked in the mirror and thought, I’m going to India. This thought was just a whisper coming from my soul. It was far away from my reality, and so in order to make it real I quickly rinsed my mouth and went to say it out loud to J. I remember walking to the edge of the stairs.   I knew that if I walked silently down the stairs I would turn around and go back up to bed, I would chicken out.  So before I allowed my fear to take hold of me, I called to J:

“babe I need to tell you something”.

He answered, “yea, what is it?”.

I remember walking down the stairs, almost in slow motion, thinking, once I say it out loud there is no going back. I got to the bottom of the stairs, and I said,

“J I’m going to India”

Only these words, no explanation, no dates.

J’s reply, “yes you should definitely go!”.

The details came later, but in that moment I knew, I was going to India.

The blog I had been writing had to either change or be deleted. I didn’t think I could write just about military life, my life is not that fascinating! I had written about yoga a few times up until that point, and I really enjoyed writing, so I decided to make it a blog about living yoga in a military wife’s life. I decided that 2013 would be a little experiment for myself. I already knew I was going to India (at this point I knew it would be in the summer or fall due to contracts already being signed for work) why not extend my yoga experience through out the year? I had no idea what this would look like. I just had one rule, get on my mat every day, and I just knew I would figure it out from there.

I’ve been writing a lot lately, sometimes writing while still in bed in the morning, stopping a chore to write something I was working out in my head, and even interrupting J and asking him to hold that thought because I needed to write. But even so, something has been bothering me.

I have always enjoyed writing, I’ve always had a journal, I wrote thousands of stories as a child, and whenever we had a creative writing assignment in school I jumped at the chance to write, but I never fancied myself a “writer”, I just enjoyed it. I have found within the confines of this blog (my digital yoga mat) that writing has helped me find my voice.

Some of you know me, others don’t, it takes a lot for me to express the things I have on this blog. In my actual life I am shy, unsure of what exactly I want to say, and hesitant to speak freely because maybe I won’t be accepted for my opinions and/or thoughts (there’s a select few that actually really know me, and I feel I can speak freely to). In all honesty, the only time I catch myself speaking freely in a public space is when I am teaching.  There have been moments where I was explaining some grammatical concept and I could hear myself speaking.  My mind would be baffled “is that me?? Are they really listening to what I am saying?”.  During moments like this a part of me wants to crawl under my desk and tell everyone to go away (obviously I never did that) I made myself just go with it.  Even though at times speaking freely like this was scary, it was in moments like this that I felt I was speaking from my heart (even if it was about grammar!!) I wasn’t hiding anything, I was laying my knowledge out for my students to judge.  In the rest of my life I observe, I share my opinion when I feel confident, but most of the time I observe and listen, offer feedback, but never reveal much about who I am.

Lately I have been having this baffled reaction when it comes to my blog.  I catch myself during the day remmebering a random blog post and thinking “did I really write those words? Did they come from me?”. It seems to me that in both of these examples something isn’t adding up.  Why can’t I bring these thoughts, this voice into my everyday life? These words, this voice, sounds like me, has the same beliefs, experiences, values as me, but is this voice really me? And if it is, how do I bring that into my world? How do I become the person that semi-eloquently (or maybe not eloquently at all) expresses her feelings, experiences, and shares her knowledge?

As I sat here thinking about all of these things this evening, I was dumbstruck at the thought of people, you, actually reading what I have to say. I know when I read an article, or blog post, it affects me. It leads me to research something, it teaches me something about the world and human nature, it might even inspire me to change or try something new, and the thought that my posts might do even one of these things baffles my mind.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I had no idea what outcomes would come from those two decisions I made about six months ago. And tonight as I sit alone at home I am stuck as to where I go from here. I feel like there needs to be some shift in me, some way to become the person that confidently opens her heart to so many people. I truly want to be that person, but the thought of it scares me. I know if I am to move forward I will need to find a way to bring these two worlds together.  I need to stop being afraid of opening my heart and getting hurt in the process.  One thing this blog has taught me is that opening up doesn’t always lead to hurt.  Yes, it’s always a risk, but what if I had not called to J that evening I decided to go to India? What if instead, I went back to bed? Would I be going?  And what if I decided to put an end to my blog because our posting got cancelled?  Would I have learned and been inspired by all of the things I have read and researched? Would you be reading this today? Sometimes opening up, risking getting hurt, leads to unimaginable outcomes.

I began this post talking about the two big decisions I made a little over six months ago. Even thought the two decisions were not necessarily related, I don’t think one could have happened without the other. My dedication to this blog grows every day because I continue to learn and continue to reach my goal of getting on my mat every day and ending the year in India. I couldn’t have found my voice without yoga, without facing myself every single day on my mat, and really digging deep into the feelings, questions, thoughts, and barriers I found there. Lastly, you, my readers, have forced me to remain honest, genuine, and committed to this blog.

I humbly thank each and every one of you, and I promise to continue writing from my heart, and hopefully I will find a way to express my voice verbally as I have on this blog.

Namaste.

Pass the mike to your mentor

Pass the mike to your mentor.

What does this mean to you?

I’ve talked about this before, we often allow our ego to steal the mike, but we can just as easily pass the mike to our mentor, our true self.

Like I said, I’ve talked about this before, but sometimes we need to be reminded of the basics.

One of the first things I learned on the mat was to leave the ego at the door. The word ego refers to the pessimist that lives in all of us, which tells us that we are not good enough, we’re not smart enough, we don’t know what we’re doing, and countless other things. It can also be the competitor, the part of us that forgets what yoga is, a focus within. This voice is learned from our environment. So if you were constantly told that you weren’t good enough, then you will most likely have a voice that tells you just that.

My voice told me I wasn’t good enough, and that I was stupid, this culminated into the question: who could love you then? I compared myself to others on the mat, and when i didn’t measure up, the ego would yell into the mike. I defined myself from the outside in, and so when I was rejected, my ego laughed at me into the mike: “I told you!”. I refer to my ego as the sabotager, because it manages to sabotage everything I do – when it has the mike that is.

I have a confession to make. The sabotager always visits near the end of vacation. I unconsciously will sabotage the end of a trip because I am sad it’s ending. This is a recent phenomenon, one I believe occurs because on a basic level I’m not thrilled to live in northern Quebec especially since we were only suppose to be there for two years.

Yes, I have worked through these issues, and I have found happiness where before I believed there was none. But every once in a while the sabotager likes to steal the mike, and I need a reminder of how to get back.

This morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach, we’re on our last week of vacation, and when we get back we have a week before things go nuts. J leaves to Kingston Ontario for some training for a month in August, and before then we need to get my papers organized for India. After his time in Kingston in August, I meet him there for a last moment of bliss before we are apart for six months. I am hoping this last stint in Ontario will be a yoga retreat – working on finding the best fit for both of us at the moment. But I know after this week everything will happen really fast and before I know it J will be gone in Africa and I will be in India, so the sabotager has paid a little visit.

Last night I had the first realization that J is being deployed. This always happens, he tells me, and I have no reaction for a long time. Then out of no where, with no indication it hits me and I feel real fear, raw fear, the nothing you can do about fear. It happened driving home after our last real sushi dinner before we both head to our own corners of the east. I suddenly got the all familiar panic and fear that accompany moments like this, and it hasn’t gone away.

Instead I allowed it to take hold of me and it manifested into something big and altogether different from where it started.

It manifested into fear of going to India, am I cut out for it? Fear of going back home to northern Quebec where so many things are missing (real and good sushi being one of them) and where I will be alone once again.

Fear. My sabotager, my ego.

Before yoga this morning I had a really hard time getting myself out of fear’s hold, actually I failed at it. I had a longing to not go back home, as if remaining on vacation could keep my ego away, but what I hadn’t realized was that it was my ego holding onto this false reality.

I know the true reality, I just forgot it in that moment. The true reality is life (or happiness) is everywhere, we have a choice in every situation. We can choose to remain in fear’s hold, or we can choose to breathe, be in the moment, and allow our perception to grow, then we find life.

I tried explaining my predicament to J but failed miserably, and this is where my lowest point came. After he left the room to get ready for yoga, and after my failed attempt to communicate what I was feeling, I muttered the phrase “you are so stupid” to myself. I hadn’t done that in a long time, and right when I said it a huge weight was put on my heart.

In today’s yoga class I was reminded of my path. I had read about what it means to remain in our practice on and off the mat earlier this morning, and when it came time to set my intention, it was to find my path, my practice once again.

The instructor’s words really hit home : give the mike to your mentor, take it away from the ego. I realized as she said this while in downward dog, that it’s ok that I had these feelings, but I could make the choice to not be ruled by them. As we began a more vigorous part of practice we were asked to do a one-legged vinyasa.

For those that don’t know here is what a basic vinyasa consists of:

By one-legged I mean, from downward dog, keep one leg extended and get into plank, move into chaturanga (low push up), then into upward dog and back to downward dog, all on one leg.

The first set, I didn’t want to do. I believed that I couldn’t, but I made myself do it, however I didn’t do upward dog, instead replacing it with cobra (similar to upward dog but with the legs firmly on the ground, so only the upper body lifts), because I didn’t believe in myself. This is after two weeks of having replaced cobra with upward dog in each and every vinyasa in yoga practice.

The second set, I wasn’t going to do at all, I was going to bring my leg down and do an easy vinyasa, but as I was deciding this the instructor said “do it because you know you can, you’re amazing” And so I lifted my leg and I did it fully, replacing cobra with upward dog, and I felt amazing.

It’s these choices that we forget when we are in the grip of our fear, our ego. We get caught in a web of lies, that we are not good enough, strong enough, we will not make it through, and so we remain in the hold, we remain lifeless. I broke the hold today because I gave the mike to my mentor, I took it away from fear. It’s not hard to do, once you make the choice, once you see that there is in fact a choice, you’re already there. It’s the realization that takes time, but don’t give up because we all have our own mentor in our hearts, and once she has the mike, fear is a thing of the past and life’s possibilities become endless.

I can’t say that J going to Africa isn’t stressful, but I remember now, that I have been here before, and I got through it. I remember love not fear. I also can’t say that going to India for three months isn’t scary, but it’s my path, and I am ready for the challenge. I remember my path, not fear. I also know that I have a well of strength to fall back on, and a well of knowledge to gain from both experiences, and so now these are the things that drive me, not fear. I gave the mike to my mentor and now she whispers strength from my head to my toes.

Maybe we were all yogis in the beginning

When I was a kid, on most days I could be found showing off my ability to do a summer salt. I did them everywhere, from the living room on my own, when people came over, even at my father’s restaurant. I would demand everyone look at how great I was at them, and I wouldn’t only do one, I’d do them over and over, making sure I had enough room, measuring with my child’s eyes.

When I started doing yoga I had two fears: back bends and going upside down, even downward dog was daunting the first few times. So what happened between the days that I enjoyed getting my head to the ground, and when I got on the mat?

I remember that when I would begin to perform the summer salt, I felt a surge of exhilaration, I had so much fun, and would always stand up smiling and laughing afterwards. What happened to that sense of fun? Living in the moment?

Recently I took care of a friend’s child. He is 13 months old, and while I was very nervous, he was a pleasure.

Surprisingly, he taught me a lot. The most rewarding moments I had with him, were the ones where i witnessed his amazement with everything around him. He was truly living in the moment. I was fascinated with his enjoyment of everything from a dandelion on the ground to my toes. I looked into his eyes during the moments in which we played and I saw exhilaration, wonderment, joy, and curiosity.

They say that a true genius never loses these attrubutes we all carry as children, without them, without curiosity, imagination, wonderment, they wouldn’t be able to dream of something more.

How do we lose these things? When did getting on my head became such a danger?

As we grow older, we grow into fear. We are told about the dangers outside our home, we are told that we are not good at certain things (maybe school, maybe at home, maybe both), and we are told to not trust our own bodies, we might get hurt, it’s dangerous, good kids don’t do these things.

In yoga we begin to trust our bodies again. But this takes time. You need to work through all the layers of fear that have been put in place long before you got on the mat. It’s a difficult task, and sometimes it seems impossible. I know for me, on most days crow pose is daunting, don’t even get me started on my fear of headstands and handstands.

My sister sent me a picture of me this evening, getting ready for a summer salt, and as she wrote ‘you were a yogi from the beginning”. Maybe we were all yogis in the beginning.

Just like my friend’s child, maybe we were all full of wonderment and joy, and lived in the moment. And maybe yoga is a tool to grow us out of fear and clear our vision to see the truth. Maybe it’s a tool to help us see the beauty, and infinite possibilities in the world that children see.

I look at that picture and I remember how wonderful I felt, the world was at my fingertips and nothing was unattainable. Maybe this picture should act as a reminder, and new intention. Maybe we should get on our yoga mat with child’s eyes, and see the wonderment and beauty in every pose, and know that all is possible if we just believe.

Here I am today, I’m no longer afraid of downward dog, maybe with a little more sense of fun, curiosity, and wonderment I will overcome my other fears.

Revelations from my mat: I may not be a Care Bear, but I can teach

When people ask me what yoga is, I have difficult putting it into words. How can I describe this feeling of radiance? It’s almost like a giddy feeling, a knowing of something secret and special, that you have found and want desperately to share with everyone you meet.

At these times I kind of wish I was a Care Bear. The Care Bears had the ability to radiate rainbows from their hearts. When I feel this way I wish I could radiate the purity, the happiness, the thrill of being alive at this moment, to everyone I meet, through some tangible form, like a rainbow shooting out of my heart.

Yoga opens your eyes to endless possibilities. What seemed impossible, is now possible. You realize this in the postures but also in your heart:

-In the postures you put yourself in challenging situations, for example in a challenging balancing pose. A few months ago half moon pose was scary for me.

I would willingly put my hands to the ground, I would raise one leg, but when asked to let go of one hand bring it up and twist my body to form a vertical star with one leg and one hand on the ground while the other half of me was raised in the air, I couldnt do it, and when I managed to wobbly get into the posture, I would fall out immediately. I was afraid.

I was afraid of falling, that my arm and one leg could not support me, and that when I fell I couldn’t count on my body to steady my fall. I was also afraid of putting so much faith in my body, my heart, mySELF.  This is yoga. Learning to see that you have it in you to raise your leg and your arm, to balance yourself in the air, and to know that if you fall, you can steady your fall, you can count on yourself to protect the more vulnerable parts of your body. You learn to breathe, to meditate in that pose, and to listen to the knowledge that was already there – I can do this, I am doing this. You learn to trust yourself, and to learn from you body and your mind how to be the person that you were meant to be, without the fears, the doubts, the negativity, and past pains.

-In your heart, you begin to become aware of a truth older than you, a truth that radiates in everyone, that you are powerFUL not powerLESS.

When you realize this, the world opens up right in front of your eyes. The place in your heart that was so afraid just a moment of ago, is filled with an endless warmth, an endless love. You realize that that love is in you. It is your true SELF, the voice that has been whispering through the muck of fear all along. You realize that you were always able to do this. That even when yo are in a challenging situation in life, or in yoga, you have it in you to do it, and if you do fall, you have it in you to protect yourself, to get back up and continue to try.

The impossible then becomes possible, the possibilities become infinite.

But how do I transfer this knowledge, this secret that I and countless other people, have learned on our mats?

Yoga comes in many forms. You have famous gurus like Bikram or Iyengar that swear by their methods. You’ve got a mixture of yoga practices, Ashtanga, Yin Yoga, Moksha Yoga, Restorative Yoga, Power Yoga, Hatha Flow … etc. the list goes on and on.

Some schools teach that they are the true form of yoga, that any other yoga is not yoga at all. While I see that yoga has been transformed in the west, if done properly with the guide of a trained instructor, it can be as beneficial as any traditional forms of yoga.

In India I will be learning hatha yoga. Hatha yoga is basically the physical postures of yoga, passed on from generation to generation and evolving into the postures we all recognize today. Hatha yoga combines the asanas (or physical postures) with the breath. The postures combined with the breath in a sequence allow us to transform our bodies and minds, and through practice our physical body and mind and our essence/soul/energy become one, and we begin to heal.

My dream is to learn how to teach these postures, the benefits of these postures both physically, mentally, and emotionally, as a form of therapy/healing, but also as a lifestyle.

I believe that instead of isolating ourselves to one form of yoga, we should instead take what is valuable from each school of thought – what works for the individual – and utilize it to help them become peaceful, positive, healthy, etc.

I also believe that if I am to teach yoga, I better walk the walk and talk the talk. Teaching it, while being negative myself, not cultivating peace, is like teaching a language but not using proper grammar yourself. How can you preach what you don’t do? How can you teach without loving and immersing yourself in the transition or process? How can you teach something you don’t love and respect?

I want to teach by example. I want to transform people’s lives so they see that they have it in themselves to be happy. They have the ability of healing old hurts, they have the ability to change their life as they see fit, and they can heal their bodies and souls, by finding their truth. I want to guide them to that truth, whatever it may be for each individual.

By utilizing only one yoga style, or one path of yoga, I feel that I would limit the tools available to me as a teacher. This is why I chose to go to India, why I chose not to follow one form of yoga. I will create the form based on the student, I will meet their needs through the postures, the breath, and the style, in order to make the yoga not about me, but about the student and their personal journey.

I want yoga to do for others what it has done for me. I want people to find the strength inside themselves to change whatever needs to be changed in order to find happiness in their lives. That’s the only way I know to spread what I have learned from my heart to you. I may not be a Care Bear, but I can teach.