I’m about to go apply for my India Visa. It’s funny the last time I did this I was all nerves. I remember vividly at one point after I had handed over all of the relevant documents and such to the post office, I had a thought – I’m not going to India in October. At this point Belgium was just a whisper, not even a possibility, but something inside me knew. I knew this deep inside me, that I couldn’t even do the application on my own, I had my friend do it. I see now that my intuition was fighting with my mind. I knew I wasn’t going, I just knew, but I wasn’t ready to face that yet. This time, I was adamant to figure it all out on my own. J was there with me in case the computer failed me, but I did all of the research, I figured out what I needed to do, and what documents I needed to bring. A stark difference from last time.
This time around, while it’s a lot of work and double checking, I’m calm. I’m about a month away from going and I’m not anxious at all, I have a feeling that everything will just work out. Last time I sent my application in as early as possible, this time, I am sending it now, not out of fear or anxiety, but because this has been the first semi-free day that I’ve been able to gather my papers and make the drive up to Brussels. And that’s the big difference between the first time and now. Back in August I was anxious, and as the month progressed it seemed that all things having to do with India were forced.
There’s a difference between making something happen and forcing something to happen. Today, we made things happen. We woke up early, set up the computer and prepared all of my paper work. Slowly, methodically, calmly. Last time I went quickly, I had to do each step at an allotted time or else – or else what? A part of me knew I wasn’t going in October, but I wasn’t ready to accept that, and so I rushed and forced and instead of noticing the signs all around me, I ignored my gut feeling to wait for when the time was right – a lesson I continuously fail to learn apparently!
It’s quite strange really. Last year India was an ultimatum, we had to stay in northern Quebec an extra year, so I decided that I was going to India. This year it’s a choice. I could choose not to go and my life wouldn’t crumble. I’ve got a lot going on here, a home to organize, a town to explore, travelling to do, etc., but I know I want to go. I’m not forcing something to happen in order to temporarily solve another problem by escaping it. Instead, I’m going to India to expand on my life and explore my possibilities.
For a long time now India has been on the back burner. Back in Canada we had to organize a huge move in 2.5 weeks, once the movers came and our things left for Europe, it was our turn to move. Since then our lives have been one errand after another with no breaks. Yoga has even gone from being the centre of my world to a rare activity unfortunately.
Now India has become the link between my life in Quebec to my life here in Belgium. It’s the in-between. I have no idea what is going to happen at teacher training and I am not about to start hypothesizing on something that I’ve never experienced before. But in my life right now, as I prepare for this journey, India is a time of reflection. I am going there reflecting on my life in Quebec, the challenges, the mistakes, the heart aches, achievements I have faced and I’m saying good bye to that part of my life.
But that part of my life has become a part of who I am. I feel it every day. I even walk up the stairs in our home and turn left – every single time – even though now our bedroom is on the right – and I know this, because on the left is my yoga room. But my mind is stuck back in Quebec. I need to put it to rest, and so I go to India to put the fearful me, the insecure, the anti-social me away, because I can begin to see how Belgium will change me, and in order to grow in this new place, I need to say good bye to the walls I built in the last 4.5 years.
What India will become, who knows! For right now it’s a moment for me to put some things to rest, test my boundaries and see where I will end up.
For a long time I’ve been excited about this move, from the moment I walked into the India visa application office I’ve been excited for this new adventure. No stress instead a clam understanding that everything will work out the way it is suppose to in the end.
Living yoga in a military wife's life 