Believe it or not, life in Saguenay has become comfortable, and leaving my life here, I have realized, is kind of scary. I may have been lost in the craziness that is the twilight zone when we first moved here, but the madness has become ordinary.
Some of the madness I faced when we moved here
The crazy driving – heck, I get ticketed when I leave Quebec so obviously I have unfotunately become accustomed to the very lax definition of road signs that is Quebec.
French – I catch myself talking to myself in French in public at times. Again, this is unfortunate since my Greek has since gone down the drain. Before moving here I used to talk to myself in Greek.
The lack of city life – I’ve actually become accustomed to the mediocre sushi, no Thai, Indian, or REAL Greek food (I cook a lot of Thai and Indian at home – and obviously I cook Greek dishes as well).
New and strange job opportunities – I had taught before when I lived in Greece for two years (before my military life) but Saguenay was different. I have taught in hospitals with chalk boards (yeah, how ghetto is that!), in office conference rooms with no board at all, in a law firm, on base with all the equipment you could imagine, and I’ve gotten quite used to the work, I actually loved it.
So why am I semi-panicking?
I’m not second-guessing our move at all (geez wouldn’t that be crazy) but I am realizing that life is very quickly going to become very foreign to me. The things that I found so difficult about Saguenay are going to become fond memories very very soon. I realized this today because (unlike Saguenay) I have a chance at finding a job very quickly in Belgium (like starting the day after we move) however it is nothing like I have ever done before. I have had many kinds of jobs, and I have many (if not all) of the skills required for this job, but it is very different from teaching. It’s going to be a whole new world. And today as I went about my day feeling like super woman due to a powerful yoga practice this morning, the floor suddenly disappeared from underneath my feet, because I received an email about the job posting and I realized how different and new this job would be.
Back to square one, once again.
I finally get why my friends have been staring at me googly-eyed asking me if I understood how quickly we will be on our way out of Saguenay. My response to this up until now has been: No not really, I don’t really believe it yet. We are about to head to our house hunting trip in a week and I’m more concerned about cleaninng the house than preparing for the move. But today it suddenly hit me, or rather it pushed me to the ground in disbelief, things are about to change drastically.
Am I ready? I think so. Can I imagine what life will be like? No, I know better than that – it’s never what you imagine it will be. It’s usually very very hard to begin with but through the turmoil and hard days and lonely nights you become stronger and the strange slowly becomes mundane, and this new place suddenly becomes home – but that takes a while. At first it’s just a lot of spinning around, trying to make sense of things, and feeling all alone.
I have a feeling that this posing will surprise me, but right now I need to get myself ready because the belief that I have more than enough time for everything is going to smack me in the face in a few weeks.
I guess it’s time to put to the test all of the lessons and skills I’ve learnt on the mat. Will I be able to embrace all of the change, keep my centre and find balance in new situations?
I used to ask my students, what are you thankful for this thanksgiving? The first time I asked this, I was honestly expecting some real answers. But I didn’t realize, thanksgiving is not the same in Saguenay Quebec, to them it was just a long-weekend. Granted, it’s just a long weekend for most of us, but we do think about what we are thankful for. So being a history student I used it as an opportunity to teach some history. After the history lesson, I would ask them what they were thankful for, again. They had difficulty answering. We all do. Usually we come up with usual answers, I am thankful for my family, my friends, my comfortable life, it’s hard to really think about what we are thankful for. Why is that? I think we don’t realize what we have until we lose it.
Yesterday I thought long and hard about what I was thankful for. Of course I thought of our move, my comfortable life, yoga, my health, love. I wasn’t satisfied with these answers. As I thought longer about it, I thought about who I was when we first moved to Quebec. I would describe myself as sheltered. Granted I have had unique life experiences that have taught me a lot, but I lived in a country and was surrounded by an environment where I had all of the resources needed in order to recover. So in general I have had a pretty sheltered life compared to many people in the world. But, strangely, I was thankful for all of the hardships I have had to face, even with all of the help I got.
I am thankful for all of the times that I have fallen down. I’m thankful for what I have learned falling, lying on the ground, and on my way to standing up again. I used to feel that those times that I did fall down were signs of weakness, but I’ve learned that falling down is a part of the process called life – it’s actually the most beautiful and meaningful part. This is because each time we fall we feel lost, the world might even seem scary. We don’t like it. We don’t even like it once we’ve fallen. But if we remain in the moment and see reality for what it is we can begin to see change. This is because it’s there we are forced to see things a little differently. We need to in order to stand back up. But once we do, once we stand back up, we see the world differently, from a new perspective, and suddenly we realize we did it, we got back up. Not only that, the world is suddenly beautiful again, our life is beautiful again. Can you guess where I learnt that? Yup, on my yoga mat.
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I used to curse myself for falling on my mat, I used to actually swear at myself! Today, I practiced outside on the grass. As I put my feet on my mat I noticed that the ground was not even. My first thought was not to move my mat, it was but that’s life, it’s never even, there’s ups and downs, and so I will practice on this uneven ground, and so what if I fall? It’s all about the process. And I know if I do fall, the earth will be there to catch me, and it is there where I will learn. And so I practiced, and I fell, and I was thankful for each and every one. I welcomed them with a smile, got back up and tried again, because each time I learned just how beautiful each fall was.
This morning, I received a phone call from the company that processes India visas. Apparently I did not sign the first page of my application, and my money order was ten dollars short. I have to admit the process of getting an India visa (in Canada at least) is not at all pleasant, so it’s no surprise that there was some confusion on my part (it could have been anyone).
However, when I received the phone call I panicked. I wanted to resolve it in that moment. I was convinced that the post office was open on Saturdays and could only be calmed down and convinced otherwise when J called and no one answered. However this didn’t help, I became more upset at the idea of having to sit with this problem all weekend, I was convinced that it wouldn’t get done and I wouldn’t have a visa to get to India. Then it occurred to me:
what in the world was this worrying going to do? How is it going to help the situation?
it won’t, I thought it will ruin my weekend and so I made a choice, to not worry.
What could I control? I could print out my application form, sign it and have it ready for Monday. So I did that, and as I had this revelation, I began to cry. It felt so freeing to just let it go and not be jailed by this made-up fear and worry. I realized I had successful beaten my ego in that moment, I had taken control of my mind and my soul and I had brought myself back to the moment, breakfast with the man I love. The tears ran down my face in gratitude. Gratitude to the teacher within me (my soul/the universe) that has been patiently trying to teach me this lesson.
I wrote a post yesterday, it seems that lessons keeps coming up this week for me. I’m not listening, and I am allowing my mind to convince me that I am weak, and ultimately allow it to run the show.
Here is the post:
I have a recurring problem in the classroom, I take it personally when a student doesn’t understand my explanation. I make it a mission in the short time that I have to give them all the information they need to understand whatever it is I am trying to teach.
I had such an experience today. Yesterday I had begun to review the perfect tenses. For those that don’t know English grammar, an example of a present perfect sentence is:
I have lived here for three years.
Simple, if your first language is English. Very hard if it is not and the perfect tense doesn’t exist in your language. Francophones don’t have a perfect tense in their language and so it is more appropriate for them to say I live/lived here for three years, or a more common example I hear in my classroom how long you worked here?
In the English language these sentences (by omitting the auxiliary verb – have) do not link the past action to the present. That is what the whole existence of the perfect tense is for – to show a connection of a past event to the present moment – very technical I know, English grammar is very technical.
I had grand plans this week because this class is a review course meant for students that have obtained their intermediate level. I thought I could just review the perfect tenses, and all other tenses this week and spend next week on other parts of the English language: count vs non count nouns, conditional sentences, reported speech, passive sentences – the really juicy stuff.
But today I spent the whole day backtracking on something I had reviewed the day before. At first I felt defeated, I though that they had understood it yesterday, but it was clear that they were still confused. It was hard not to put myself down, I felt like I had not done my job. At the end of the day, I was glad it was over, and was going to go home and find some more oral and written activities using the present perfect (by the way I am open to suggestions!!).
I realized when I got home I felt like I hadn’t done my job, I felt like I had let them down because they still made a few errors using this tense. But then I remembered a wise phase someone told me:
If you managed to teach one thing today you did your job.
For me the distinction of the past simple vs the present perfect is obviously very clear. The fact that it is not clear to my students just yet doesn’t mean that I have failed them. Some of them are starting to understand, and the others will get there with time. That is the key phrase here: people learn at their own pace (especially languages!).
I didn’t like the feeling I had coming home, and no one gave me this feeling, I did it to myself all on my own. I hope I have finally realized that not only is learning a language a process, in whcih I am not expected to create miracles but provide some undersranding. But also, I hope I begin to realize that yoga too is a process, and sometimes I will have trouble getting into a pose, sometimes I won’t even be able to, and that is ok. I learn every day, and if I have managed to teach someone (be it myself on the mat or a student in class) one thing, then I did my job.
Learning a language is a process, you have to work at it day in and day out, and you never stop learning your second language. It begins with understanding and using the tenses and becomes creating complex sentences. You begin with words and you end with tales. Yoga is the same thing, it’s a process.
This can be taken onto the mat as well. Some people are able to get into poses like crow, or handstand on their first try, for others maybe on their fiftieth, and still for others maybe never. People learn at their own pace, the job of the teacher is not to produce miracles, but to hold someone’s hand along the process. To give them little bits of information as is needed to learn, and to provide hope that someday this will all make sense.
Last week I had a moment of anger which I allowed not only to take over my speech, but after the fact also take over my soul. I felt guilty for days. I believed that I was not a good teacher and would not be a good yoga teacher based on someone else’s judgement of me. Of course, i also judged someone, and so this was a lesson as well.
Don’t judge lest ye be judged
The point of yoga is not to be perfect: to be beyond anger and negativity, yoga is not about suddenly being above everyone else. Yoga is an activity we do every day. We work at it every day. It is yoga because we work at it actively, we take a step back and we learn from our mistakes. Learning, in life, never ends, it only ends if we choose so.
December 2012 I decided to make some changes in my life. I had realized that if I wanted to be happy I had to change some things, and that it was in my power to do so. There were two decision I made that changed my life.
1. I started this blog.
2. I decided to go to India at the end of 2013
These two things didn’t happen at the same time. As some of you know this blog began as an account of our most recent posting (which was cancelled by the new year) and the experiences of being a military wife.
When our posting got cancelled, I had to reevaluate. At that point, I had lived here for four years. The first year-and-a-half I was unemployable due to my language barrier. The next 2.5 years after my period of unemployment I worked for many different language schools. What this means is that each August-September and January-February, I went out seeking new contracts. Some sessions were good, other times not so great. In general, as I worked more and more contracts, my hours increased, however, there is never a guarantee that there will be work. And if the timing doesn’t work for you, there will most definitely be some other Anglophone just as good as you to take your place. Those periods, the time before contracts got started, were always stressful. When I thought we were being posted out of here I breathed a sigh of relief, this meant no more praying, crying, waiting, and hoping that someone will have a contract for me (among other things that come along with living in Northern Quebec). When we found out that we were in fact not moving this year, I knew I had to make some changes. I wasn’t quite sure what they were, I knew I wanted to work. I’ve said this before, me and homemaking don’t mix. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to work for less than what I deserved at a job that demands I bring my work home (and sometimes not get paid for those hours depending on the contract).
I had played around with the idea of “one day” doing a teacher training, but never really thought about it, and definitely never announced such plans. With our posting having been cancelled I was left with a year and a half stuck in Saguenay. Everything just seemed to fit, that this was the best time. It took me awhile to realize this and the day I decided that I was going to India in 2013 will forever be clear in my memory.
I was getting ready for bed, actually brushing my teeth, and I just knew, I looked in the mirror and thought, I’m going to India. This thought was just a whisper coming from my soul. It was far away from my reality, and so in order to make it real I quickly rinsed my mouth and went to say it out loud to J. I remember walking to the edge of the stairs. I knew that if I walked silently down the stairs I would turn around and go back up to bed, I would chicken out. So before I allowed my fear to take hold of me, I called to J:
“babe I need to tell you something”.
He answered, “yea, what is it?”.
I remember walking down the stairs, almost in slow motion, thinking, once I say it out loud there is no going back. I got to the bottom of the stairs, and I said,
“J I’m going to India”
Only these words, no explanation, no dates.
J’s reply, “yes you should definitely go!”.
The details came later, but in that moment I knew, I was going to India.
The blog I had been writing had to either change or be deleted. I didn’t think I could write just about military life, my life is not that fascinating! I had written about yoga a few times up until that point, and I really enjoyed writing, so I decided to make it a blog about living yoga in a military wife’s life. I decided that 2013 would be a little experiment for myself. I already knew I was going to India (at this point I knew it would be in the summer or fall due to contracts already being signed for work) why not extend my yoga experience through out the year? I had no idea what this would look like. I just had one rule, get on my mat every day, and I just knew I would figure it out from there.
I’ve been writing a lot lately, sometimes writing while still in bed in the morning, stopping a chore to write something I was working out in my head, and even interrupting J and asking him to hold that thought because I needed to write. But even so, something has been bothering me.
I have always enjoyed writing, I’ve always had a journal, I wrote thousands of stories as a child, and whenever we had a creative writing assignment in school I jumped at the chance to write, but I never fancied myself a “writer”, I just enjoyed it. I have found within the confines of this blog (my digital yoga mat) that writing has helped me find my voice.
Some of you know me, others don’t, it takes a lot for me to express the things I have on this blog. In my actual life I am shy, unsure of what exactly I want to say, and hesitant to speak freely because maybe I won’t be accepted for my opinions and/or thoughts (there’s a select few that actually really know me, and I feel I can speak freely to). In all honesty, the only time I catch myself speaking freely in a public space is when I am teaching. There have been moments where I was explaining some grammatical concept and I could hear myself speaking. My mind would be baffled “is that me?? Are they really listening to what I am saying?”. During moments like this a part of me wants to crawl under my desk and tell everyone to go away (obviously I never did that) I made myself just go with it. Even though at times speaking freely like this was scary, it was in moments like this that I felt I was speaking from my heart (even if it was about grammar!!) I wasn’t hiding anything, I was laying my knowledge out for my students to judge. In the rest of my life I observe, I share my opinion when I feel confident, but most of the time I observe and listen, offer feedback, but never reveal much about who I am.
Lately I have been having this baffled reaction when it comes to my blog. I catch myself during the day remmebering a random blog post and thinking “did I really write those words? Did they come from me?”. It seems to me that in both of these examples something isn’t adding up. Why can’t I bring these thoughts, this voice into my everyday life? These words, this voice, sounds like me, has the same beliefs, experiences, values as me, but is this voice really me? And if it is, how do I bring that into my world? How do I become the person that semi-eloquently (or maybe not eloquently at all) expresses her feelings, experiences, and shares her knowledge?
As I sat here thinking about all of these things this evening, I was dumbstruck at the thought of people, you, actually reading what I have to say. I know when I read an article, or blog post, it affects me. It leads me to research something, it teaches me something about the world and human nature, it might even inspire me to change or try something new, and the thought that my posts might do even one of these things baffles my mind.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I had no idea what outcomes would come from those two decisions I made about six months ago. And tonight as I sit alone at home I am stuck as to where I go from here. I feel like there needs to be some shift in me, some way to become the person that confidently opens her heart to so many people. I truly want to be that person, but the thought of it scares me. I know if I am to move forward I will need to find a way to bring these two worlds together. I need to stop being afraid of opening my heart and getting hurt in the process. One thing this blog has taught me is that opening up doesn’t always lead to hurt. Yes, it’s always a risk, but what if I had not called to J that evening I decided to go to India? What if instead, I went back to bed? Would I be going? And what if I decided to put an end to my blog because our posting got cancelled? Would I have learned and been inspired by all of the things I have read and researched? Would you be reading this today? Sometimes opening up, risking getting hurt, leads to unimaginable outcomes.
I began this post talking about the two big decisions I made a little over six months ago. Even thought the two decisions were not necessarily related, I don’t think one could have happened without the other. My dedication to this blog grows every day because I continue to learn and continue to reach my goal of getting on my mat every day and ending the year in India. I couldn’t have found my voice without yoga, without facing myself every single day on my mat, and really digging deep into the feelings, questions, thoughts, and barriers I found there. Lastly, you, my readers, have forced me to remain honest, genuine, and committed to this blog.
I humbly thank each and every one of you, and I promise to continue writing from my heart, and hopefully I will find a way to express my voice verbally as I have on this blog.
Today I explore the idea of the teacher. I realized this morning that not only is the instructor my teacher, but my yoga mat with all that it means to me is a teacher as well. But also, sharing yoga with J has shown me that he too, has been my teacher these last two weeks. There is an opportunity to learn something from each and every situation, memory, significance, relationship, or environment in our lives.
I’ve mentioned in an earlier post that J has been coming with me to yoga while on vacation.
Here is his back story concerning yoga:
J is very athletic, and he loves getting outside and doing any sport any time of year, he excels at almost everything he does. However, up until two and a half weeks ago he had never tried yoga, except at his triathlon training camp – but never in a yoga studio, in a yogic environment.
When I first started practicing yoga, he didn’t quite understand it’s appeal. I think his misconceptions of what yoga was changed when we moved to northern Quebec and he saw how dedicated I was to the practice in a place with no studio. When I chose to go to teacher training he decided that once I was qualified he would let me teach him yoga. Up until that point, he believed he needed to be “fit” to do yoga, just like many people who are afraid, or intimidated by yoga believe.
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I was thrilled he decided to give it a try when I returned from India. Imagine how excited I was when he told me he would like to accompany me to yoga now on vacation, I was beyond thrilled. I have wanted nothing more than to share this wonderful practice with him.
There are so many benefits to yoga, to list them would take forever, lets just say beyond the physical it reduces stress, increases memory, improves breathing (we honestly don’t know how to breathe), increases flexibility, decreases (or diminishes) anxiety and depression, helps relax the mind and body increasing the quality of sleep and of life, helps digestion, the immune system, the lymphatic system – and all systems in the body for that matter, I can go on and on.
Saying these things to J or to anyone else means nothing, in order to understand all of these claims you need to get onto your mat (or any mat) and see for yourself. I know for me, when I was told these things before I tried yoga, it sounded like a bunch of hooey, but everything does before you try it!
It has taken all of my will power to not bombard J with information and questions about his practice, I am what you would call a bit controlling and bossy. I want so much for J to experience all that I have on the mat, but what I have forgotten is this is HIS experience, and it will be what it will be, and I need to allow him to find his own way on his mat.
Speaking of mats, he asked me a question today. He bought himself a thick mat, but it is a bit slippery, and this morning he eyed my mat, and asked me if it was slip resistant. I asked him why, and he replied that he would like to take my mat to Kingston with him. Now to a newbie like my husband my mat is just that, a mat. But to me, it is much more than that.
After my summer of yoga challenge last year, the thought of not having a thin mat to travel with was just not happening, so I invested in a travel mat. This mat is MY MAT. It’s the mat I roll out every morning, it’s the place I can be vulnerable. My mat, I have learned to believe, understands every fall out of a posture, and brings me back into the posture. It’s my reminder when I wake up and see it of what my practice is and where it is taking me. It reminds me of how far I have come by bringing yoga into my life, and the difficulties of learning the hard lessons I have learned on my mat. The thought of not having it with me is really and truly unimaginable. (I’m bringing it to India with me even though they provide us with mats. It’s my mat, and I will become trained as a yoga teacher on it).
My mat, as you may have noticed, is an extension of myself. My mat sees all and accepts every single part of me. It has helped me learn so much about life and yoga, and about myself. On it I let go of responsibilities, stresses, worries, and I listen. My yoga mat allows me to let go, reminds me that I am safe to explore and because of all of these things it is a teacher in its own right. These are the reasons why I can’t share my mat even with my beloved.
So, my answer to him, was “no, I’m sorry but I don’t think I can do that. But here is the link where you can buy your own manduka mat”. He tried to convince me, but my answer remained I’m sorry but no. In my mind this morning, I saw that he didn’t get it yet, but that’s ok. He sees a mat while I see my salvation, my self-discovery, my life path. He may never find that, and that too is ok. I’m just happy that he has found yoga, and I can finally share this with him. Whether he one day finds his own yogic path or not is for him to decided, for now, I’m excited for him to continue on this path, and am waiting for the day that I can dedicate a practice all for him when I return from India.
Practicing in a class environment has reminded me that yoga isn’t the same for everyone, and it doesn’t have to be, that is the beauty of yoga. It is yours to mould as you would like it to serve you. Inevitably you will get all of the benefits yoga has to offer, physical, biological and emotional. It can be more than this, it can be a lifestyle, but it doesn’t need to be. Either way, it is healthy, positive, and will increase your self-awareness. I had gotten so involved in my own practice I forgot how individual the practice of yoga really is. I’m glad I got this important reminder, I think it’s a lesson every good teacher should understand in his or her students. With my bossy and controlling tendencies this is probably a lesson I will need to learn over and over again. But I also know, that I will just be thrilled to share yoga to the extent people will allow me to, and bring some understanding, positivity, growth, or even just some flexibility into someone’s life.
I read an article today about the three things you need to practice yoga, and one thing that stuck out for me was how little we know about ourselves until we do something like yoga. We walk through live literally not knowing how to breathe. If you have ever done yoga you’ll understand. When we first practice yoga and practice ujjayi breath, it hurts, I know for me my thought as I looked at all of the experienced yogis, one of them being my sister, breathing deeply and audibly, was “oh my god why don’t I know how to breathe?!”
Here is a description of ujjayi or victorious breath:
Yoga helps you discover yourself, like the author of the article suggests, yoga doesn’t need to be spiritual, but it is a way to self-discovery. On your mat you face all of your fears. I was reminded of this today in yoga. This particular instructor really likes to push his students, and in the two classes I’ve taken with him, he has pushed me further than I have ever gone in many poses. He has instinctively noticed, without having spoken with me, that I am tight at my hips and shoulders, and he hasn’t hesitated to push me. Every time he does, as today in bow pose, he asks afterwards are you alright? As if he knows, I am holding onto many emotions. Today he focused on bow and reclined pigeon pose.
In bow the instructor helped me bring my feet closer to my shoulders, it was the deepest I’ve gotten into the pose, it felt scary but exhilarating at the same time.
As you can see in this picture of reclined pigeon the person is holding onto her thigh, that is the beginner version. The instructor today got me to grab my knee. I had to lift my shoulders to do this, and he pushed me back down to the floor. While in this pose you bring your bent leg closer to your chest with your arms, and push your extended knee away from your body while flexing the foot on your knee. This is meant to open your hips, it’ an awesome pose for this, but as with all hip openers, it’s painful physically and emotionally.
In reclined pigeon I felt ridiculous. He made me get my arms over my knee (I usually grab onto my thigh) by grabbing my knee I had to pull harder, and because I’m not flexible in my hips I couldn’t do the pose. You probably imagine that I felt ridiculous because of how I looked, I thought so too, but when I explored those feelings I realized it wasn’t that at all, it was disgust in myself – the same old story – that I don’t deserve the practice because I can’t do it. I immediately changed that train of thought and realized that the pose doesn’t matter, it’s the practice that does. And so I breathed and I allowed the instructor to lead me into the pose.
In other poses I have learned to find my strength. One such pose is warrior 2 pose.
When I first started practicing yoga, I hated this pose (and yes I meant to use the word hate). I would get into it and immediately feel exhausted. The action of separating my legs, bending one knee, and keeping my arms extended was daunting. I would either REALLY slack in the pose, or in some cases not do it at all. But after awhile I began to find strength in the pose. I learned to actively extend my arms, to breathe deeply through the posture, keep my core centred and slowly the pose wasn’t so bad. Actually now I love this pose and in practice I use it to find my centre again, find my strength, or on some days, as the name of the pose suggests, find my inner warrior.
Even though for me warrior 2 and reclined pigeon (or any pose I do well vs I can’t yet do) are polar opposites of each other in terms of how they make me feel, each has something to teach me about myself. Reclined pigeon reminds me of what I still need to work on, and warrior 2 reminds me of how far I have come. By comparing them I can help myself through both poses. By remembering poses like warrior 2 while in pigeon I remember that this is only today, this pose, like my life, changes in every moment. By remembering poses like reclined pigeon while in warrior 2 I remember my practice, my goal, and the strength that has brought me here in life and on my mat.
I am also reminded of letting go of things and people that don’t serve me. The article states this nicely: “You are okay as you are. In fact you are great! If the people around you can’t see that or aren’t willing to support you in your quest for self-love and self-realization it is time to move on. Moving on from difficult relationships and letting go of that which does not serve you is the key to your own happiness”.
But this is my path, and whether one day J will realize that he can find emotional strength in his practice is up to him. I have to admit I love watching yoga bud and grow inside of him. Like everything else in yoga and in life, sharing this experience with J has taught me an important lesson: as a teacher or friend to step back and allow the ones I love or my students to explore yoga for themselves. It’s not very hard to do, because just watching him walk onto and off his mat proudly, and attempt every single pose, brings happiness to my heart. I must admit I’ve peaked at him from the mirror a few times in class, and while he claims he doesn’t necessarily like yoga but sees its benefits and will continue to practice, I know better because I’ve been there. The bud has been planted and before he knows it yoga will become something he doesn’t just “do” for doing’s sake,but something he practices in his own unique way.
Take a look around, who or what in your life is teaching you something?
The weirdest compliment I ever got from a student was that I should be a preacher. At the time, I laughed imagining what I would say to people that gathered to hear me speak? But isn’t that what a teacher does? Speak to a group of people who came to hear them speak?
It’s one small part of what we do. After this student said this, I have often thought about him. Every time I see someone’s eyes light up to a concept they finally understood, or every time I tell a group of people “you CAN do this, just follow my lead, and you’ll see, easy breezy!” and I see them reach out and grab hold of whatever goal they might have that day in class, I have thought of his words and witnessed the power of mine.
So maybe in a way I am a preacher. It took me two years to realize, that while I want to help people through social work, I also want to teach people. Right now I am teaching English, and I love every moment of it. But one day, I will teach people how they have the power within themselves to change their lives. They have the power to be happy, content, healthy, compassionate, forgiving, joyful, without pain, without hurt, all within their mind and body.
How will I do this? Yoga. I’ve seen miracles on my yoga mat. Not just physical miracles, but miracles I cannot explain. I found happiness, forgiveness, content, joy, health on my yoga mat. I healed on my yoga mat
If I could I would thank that student, and all my students for that matter. They have taught me many very important lessons:
To strive for something that seems impossible : these people live in a 98% francophone area. Some of them don’t ever use English, yet they come to English class and not only do they TRY they DO and they SUCCEED. I often think of them when I am on my mat attempting a difficult pose.
To believe in myself: when I started teaching I had every doubt a teacher can have and more. Each time I look at their faces, hear their suggestions, watch them learn I see that they believe in me, and so I should believe in myself.
Positivity works wonders: my students have often told me that my words, my belief in their ability to learn made them work harder, and made them believe in themselves. They were my other catalysts to change (other than yoga and my husband) because they showed me that words have magical powers.
I want to thank all of my students past, present and future. You make my job such a pleasure. I am on my second last week of teaching for quite some time. The next time I will be teaching anything will be in India at yoga teacher training, and I couldn’t have come to where I am if it weren’t for the many students who believed in me and therefore taught me to believe in myself.
Thank you, every experience I have had has led me to here, and I will carry these memories everywhere I go. You believed that I was teaching you, but every day you taught me something new about love, patience, strength, and most of all positivity.
Yesterday morning at exactly 11:55 a conundrum occurred. I was at work, happily teaching, when suddenly my boss, and his boss came into my classroom. They came to announce that my military contract had been cancelled due to the high scores received in the government tests by the students. My boss didn’t refrain from reminding me that this was partly my fault of doing too good of a job. A running joke around the office these days.
While I am super proud of my students, and a job well done by everyone, at that moment I secretly panicked. I had just ended a weekend in which I watched too much Netflix and was counting down the days to go back to work, now my primary contract got cancelled (I only have one other 6 hr contract on wedenesday’s. I looked ahead to six weeks or more of deafening silence.
I tried my best to remain positive and when asked how i was taking it, stated, that something else will present itself, and I have to admit that overall I am quite calm in an otherwise not so great situation, but I am (or shall I say was) worried.
I ran through some options in my head while running errands after work : organize clothes, organize j’s clothes, clean and organize office, but all of those things could be done in one week. I also thought of a yoga challenge, but I was already doing yoga every day, do I add a second class in my day, wouldn’t that be a little crazy?
After having had dinner, and prepping for my one contract (which now is a life saver even if it is 25 minutes from home in heavy traffic (for this region) ) I sat down and did some research. I typed in yoga challenge, and looked at what popped up. Then it hit me, after seeing a sight that declared to take yoga off the mat. While this has been a part of my journey, why don’t I make it a little more centered and focused by putting energy into one thing each week off the mat and into my practice through intention, postures, etc.
So the brainstorming began. I figured I would do a six week challenge since J will be away for a minimum of six weeks. And each week will have a theme, that will extend into the next coming full circle in the end.
I haven’t really planned it out in detail, so instead of trying to name each week right away I have decided to take it weekly, and slowly focus on one thing a week without having expectations. I want to go from outside to inside, getting deeper every week, so I have decided with the most physical thing we ingest and which has a huge impact on our quality of life – food.
Week 1 – eat healthy – first week this applies to every single day, after that I will allow one break day and on that break I can have 1 item that might not be a healthy choice.
Ground rules:
Since I am going to India for three months later this year, I will attempt the no meat thing for real. fish and seafood is allowed.
Snacks between meals will consist of fruits, vegetables, hummus with carrots, and yogurt, and any other nutritious snack I might have laying around.
No bread – I make homemade bread so this is a big deal for me.
Be creative with grains – don’t rely on rice – some shopping will be in order for this one.
Coffee only on the weekends and wednesday when I work yikes! While my fingers typed this one my mind screamed NO!
I rely on chocolate a lot when J is away (oh who am I kidding I rely on it even when he is at home) for the week dedicated to health no chocolate (yikes again!) after that it can be eaten as my break day snack.
No wine or alcohol this week. After that same rule applies as with chocolate.
Second week:
Peaceful thoughts and positive words
This is a two week process the first part begins in my mind concerning myself.
No judgement, no negativity.
Silent meditation 10 minutes a day (preferably before or after yoga) where I acknowledge my thoughts and attempt to create positive ones from the negative.
Third week:
Patience
Often I find myself being impatient with the world. The driver in front of me is too slow, the woman in line is taking too long, I judge the people around me and create negative energy, so this is an extension from the second seek of being patient and mindful with my thoughts and words but how they affect my perception of the world around me.
That’s all I have so far.
I am very excited about this challenge, maybe because I suddenly find myself with copious amounts of time, nonetheless, I think I will have a lot to learn about patterns of thoughts, behaviours, and eating.
Wish me luck 🙂
So J is away, and it wouldn’t have been a big deal, except I have been left stranded due to a car that refuses to start. I was suppose to be working all week, and I will be except for today in which I work 20 km away from home so walking is not an option. For those that do not live at the end of the world, the transit system here is horrendous (I’m from Winnipeg so that is a big statement to make since the transit system there is pretty bad). Anyways, so I was suppose to be busy today. In reality, I am left at home wondering what to do with myself, and getting a preview of what my summer will be like when I’m out of a job and J is busy at work.
Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time at home, organizing my living space, and getting in extra yoga time, but it’s so easy to forget the deafening quiet that surrounds me when J is away.
At the beginning of the week, if you had asked me whether I would enjoy a day at home, I would have jumped at the chance, since on a regular week I work 6 hours a day teaching English in various areas of the Saguenay (those hours are not always during the day and some days i teach three different levels in one day) But now that I have free time, I am so grateful to have a job. I remember now why I was so stubborn when it came to choosing whether to accept that ‘there were no jobs for anglophones’ or to fight that belief/lie and find a job.
This has gotten me thinking about how many things we take for granted during the day, in our daily routines, and when something is taken away we become so aware of how important it was. I usually come home exhausted wishing I was the type of person who didn’t need to work every day and could stay home and catch up on Netflix without clawing at the walls. But the truth is, I am not that person. Grant it I did push my luck a bit this year by accepting to teach 30 hours/week, not once but twice. I think I need to find a happy medium where I feel content with my working day, but have the time for J, cooking, yoga, and any other activities in my life without feeling drained all the time. Last night (well actually it was afternoon) I needed to take a cat nap (it was not a choice my body gave me, I literally fell asleep planning the next day) and I realized how utterly exhausting my life is at the moment. And the thought of having to extend my contract for one more week this morning made me so angry I wanted to take a bat to my car, wouldn’t that have been a funny site?! Of course instead of doing that i took a few deep breaths and made a list of things that needed to get done around the house. Up until now i have attempted to organize the office, but instead found myself at the desk top looking up yoga articles and discussing yoga with my sister who was waiting for her nursing class to start (she’s a bikram yoga teacher and loves to talk yoga as often as possible).
All in all today has shown me that although I don’t have a choice for the next month and a half but finish my contracts (which i will do happily, because lets face it, I am lucky not only to have found a job in francophone Quebec, but one that is every day, 30 hours, and I love to do) when I return from teacher training I am going to be a bit more realistic about my abilities as a teacher (in language and yoga if ever I formally teach). How much can I realistically take on knowing that I have other priorities as well, such as practicing yoga and cooking (and if they haven’t forgotten the invisible woman who writes blogs rather than visit, my friends).
Last term the universe had to make me sick in order for me to see I needed a break, this term it was my car. I think it’s time I listened to what I need, stop worrying about not having enough, and learn to live in the moment happily.
I need to admit something. Something I have not been dealing with. I’m scared. I’m scared of taking the step towards teacher training, I’m scared of getting on my mat, and most importantly I’m scared of failing. I have been doing or more specifically attempting my inversions (plow, shoulder stand, and crow) every day, but even though i totted conquering fear, I’ve been scared. I caught myself thinking this morning in my standing poses “shit, inversions are coming up”, and I had a knot in my stomach. I did my inversions, and I did them the best that I could today. I was not thinking that as I was doing them though. I remember staring at my hands at crow and thinking about getting into the pose and being stuck on the ground. I remember thinking, “what the hell, why am I not getting better at this, I seem to be getting worse!” And then there was another voice, my real voice, and I thought yoga is not linear, life is not linear, you do the best you can in the moment.
I AM scared, but I keep facing my fears. This morning I needed to send an email (concerning last monday’s post about fear and the incident at work). I had been putting off this email all weekend (using the excuse that it was the weekend, but that’s bullshit because it takes me minutes to type up an email) and got down to work this morning. Right when I finished the quite confrontational email (it needed to be because my voice and concerns were silenced by my boss) I read it and began to get my infamous confrontation shakes. I knew that I had gotten to the core of the issue because I felt nervous, open, vulnerable. While I am not a fan of this vulnerability (my first reaction is to agree with my boss’s sweeping of the situation, make sure she likes me, and be able to hide in the lies I tell myself vowing never to become vulnerable again) I know that I needed to send it in order to change the situation.
It’s the same thing every morning on my mat, I can bask in the glory of warrior 2, mountain, and many other easy poses all day, but I will not be facing the issue – fear. Fear of change, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of living.
So while I may be scared, I guess I am dealing with it slowly. This morning’s confrontation shakes showed me that even though I knew it was going to be painful, I gathered up the guts to write that email, send it, and face the confrontation head on.
Fear is a tricky thing. It can easily grab hold of you and stop you from attaining your goals. It can hold you captive in the dark. It will surround you, consume you, and change you if you allow it to.
Fear comes in many forms. It can be in someone’s disapproval, it can be ingrained in your mind by constant negativity, it can come from society, it can be imaginary, and it can be very real.
When in the midst of fear we often forget that it is not eternal, it is not powerful unless we allow it to be, and it can be conquered. You need to be willing to open the door, let in some light, and remember that if you speak about fear most likely there will be someone who will help you get out of its hold.
This week I was consumed with fear. I was presented with a challenge, one I have never faced before, and I was afraid. I wanted to give up, close the door and never open it again.
It took me awhile to notice that it was fear that was controlling the show, my actions, and my decisions all week long. But once I did, I began resolving the issue.
I may be afraid, but the answer is not hiding behind that fear, I need to face it, conquer it, and move beyond its hold.
Life is not about walking away from challenges. It’s not about hiding in fear, since if we do we will never learn the many wonderful lessons that there are to learn, and most importantly we will never know ourselves.
It’s not about giving in, or allowing the pain and stress to continue.
I am standing up and saying no. But that does not mean giving up, it means bringing the issue into the foreground and dealing with it. If something in life upsets you, or scares you, you don’t walk away from it, you deal with what it is about that situation/person that is leading to this negativity. If it cannot be resolved, you walk away knowing that you did not hide in fear. Fear does not include dealing with the obvious, but instead it is about hiding and hoping it will go away. If I were to walk away from this situation, I would learn nothing. I will meet people in life that will challenge me, will scare me, and will make me cry, I need to stand up for myself and not allow them to take control away.
Today I caught myself thinking, why am I afraid? Im going to India for three months for goodness sakes, and this is what will bring me down? Heck no!
I also realized that I don’t have statements in my mind about myself, I have questions: am I a good teacher? Am I good at yoga? Am I a good wife/friend/sister/daughter? And I look to others for the answer. That is putting a lot of pressure on the people in my life. My friends, coworkers, family, students have bad days, it is not their responsibility to constantly reassure me. I need to work on making those questions into statements. I am a good teacher, I am a good friend, I am a good wife/sister/daughter.
Monday did not happen in vain. I learned many lessons, and I am working through the bog that fear has created. Slowly, I will work myself through.
It has also gotten me thinking about the role that fear plays in my life. I allow it to hold me back more often than not. I owe it to myself to change this. The first place, and I think the most enriching place to learn how to, will be on my yoga mat. I will aim at attempting and conquering the poses that scare me : inversions and arm balances, because the only thing that is stopping me is fear. It will be a long process, and I will fall down, but each fall, each attempt will bring me that much closer to conquering fear.
Living yoga in a military wife's life 