Pose for thought: Virbhadrasana II (Warrior II)

This week has been one of the more strange weeks of my life. I have had to deal with all sorts of emotions that were thrown at me by circumstances I couldn’t control. I am not at liberty to discuss the details of what caused many of these emotions, when the time is right I will reveal those stories as well. That’s not what this post is about anyways.

All week I had been trying to keep my emotions at bay, attempting to live in the moment, not worry about the future or ask why of the past. I thought I was doing alright, due to the circumstances. I have to admit there were a couple of days that I watched way too much netflix, but I needed to just veg in front of the TV. I listened to what my mind and body needed rather than force myself to do the chores that needed to be done.

However this morning I woke up with a well of tears in my soul. At first I blamed these feelings on my conversation with J last night because it didn’t go as I had planned. I even sent him a very sobby email while still in bed this morning (I should try and remember to always get out of bed before sending emails to avoid such melodrama).

I forced myself onto my mat this morning, it was the last place I wanted to be, I would have rather wallowed in my self-pity, anger, and sadness from the week’s events rather than face my feelings and realize how useless it was to feel this way.

I began my morning ritual of lemon water and reading from Meditations from the mat. And it hit me even before I got on my mat. I was allowing my fear and my anger conduct my actions.

I realized what I needed to do from one single line in the chapter – actually the title:

Thus we may cultivate the powers of concentration and remove the obstacles to enlightenment which cause all our sufferings. Yoga Sutras

My fear, anger, and sadness were holding me back this morning (and the last couple of days). All week, I did my practice, I tried to find solace, and I did on the mat, but once I began my day off the mat I felt lost.

I tried many times to write, but nothing would come out, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to write, I just knew something had to come out. Every time I tried to write, ideas would come and go. What ended up on my computer screen made no sense. Something inside of me knew I needed to release these negative emotions, I just didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t know how to listen. Sitting with myself was unbearable, I couldn’t stop my mind from running wild with questions, sadness, anger, and worry. Reading didn’t help. I’d read for a bit and realize after a few lines I had no idea what I was reading, concentration was out of my reach. And so I silenced my mind with yoga and unfortunately with netflix.

This morning, my intention was simple: find peace in the midst of chaos (the very idea behind this blog). I was going to find peace in every posture. I failed at some, succeeded in others. At some points I noticed I stopped breathing (this reminds me of my first few times doing yoga – I was very surprised to find that I stopped breathing this morning), at other times I wasn’t pushing myself at all, instead slacking in the pose. Each time I noticed these things I would breathe or find my edge and from there find peace. But it was in warrior II that I remembered.

Warrior II is one of those poses everyone loves. When people first attempt it most think it’s an easy pose, I did too, but it’s not. In order to do it correctly, you need to activate your feet, actively pull your front heel and back foot to the centre of the mat (without actually moving your feet). You need to activate your legs to hold yourself up and balanced in your centre. Your front knee needs to be in line with your middle toe (it has a tendency to lean in front of the big toe). Your hips need to be squared, not turned towards the front of your mat. And your chest and solar plexus (bottom of the rib cage) need to be lifted and strong. Your core in this pose is key, without the core there is no warrior. This all has to be done at the same moment. It takes time to get into the pose with fluidity, but once you’ve got it, you do begin to really love the pose.

I used to do the posture without analyzing what it meant to stand in warrior II. Until I did it correctly, I found the pose simple, but once I paid attention to my whole body, then I found it was hard. In order to do the pose correctly, you need to essentially activate your whole body. But isn’t that what a warrior does? Use all of his/her power to remain strong even in the midst of chaos?

All of the warrior poses act this way, hence the name warrior. They are not easy, and they ask us to believe in our strength, believe in our ability to get through anything, only then can we stand firmly in our pose, at peace in the midst of chaos.

I found this in warrior II today, it reminded me that I can get through all of the obstacles that keep popping up like popcorn kernels. Instead of listening to my fear I need to listen to my heart. My heart has been whispering all this time, it was my heart that led me to sit and watch netflix rather than push myself to the brink of exhaustion, it was also my heart that whisperered there, you found it when I got into my warrior II pose.

In the same book, I read an interesting passage about enlightenment. Enlightenment is not a state of being. We don’t reach enlightenment and then suddenly everything works out for us, voila – we are suddenly eternally at peace. Our world doesn’t work like that and thinking that this is enlightenment is false, if anyone tells you they are enlightened they’re lying. Enlightenment instead is an active life-long process. it is the act of going at it every single day, making the choice of right action every day.

This doesn’t mean that we will always make the choice of right action, we will fail, this too is a part of enlightenment. But when we do fail, we need to be able to take a step back and learn. Just like in my warrior II pose, I needed to take a step back and realize the mistakes I was making in the pose. My teachers tried to correct me many times, but my ego got in the way, I didn’t want to budge, it was too hard, I wasn’t ready to do it right yet. Once I faced my problems in the pose (turning my hips, slacking my core, and not externally rotating the knee) I learned. I had to give up my pride, I had to humbly let go and allow the posture to teach me what I thought I was lacking but was in me all along.

This morning, I humbly let go in my warrior II pose, and I released the emotions that were burdening me. I fought against them by getting into my pose correctly. At first I didn’t, at first I slacked, but in that moment something switched on in my soul, and I knew I could do it. I could get rid of this negativity through my body, through my pose. Once I did, once I stood firmly and actively, the negativity was gone. This is what enlightenment is, the process in every moment – choosing to see rather than shut our eyes to our own strength and perseverance, believing instead that we are weak in our own darkness.

Each pose has something to teach us in general, but also in the moment. In general warrior II has taught me about my inner-strength and I have been able to find it in many occasions to persevere in hard times, but also to help others through their challenges. Today, it reminded me that these feelings I have been having this week, and the obstacles that caused them, don’t have to defeat me. They could if I let them, but I have a choice. I could make the choice of right action and find the strength inside me to stand back up and fight. I could choose to learn and find peace amongst the chaos.

Next time you get on your mat (or do an activity you love) what is your heart trying to tell you through your actions? What do you need to let go of to find peace?

Heartlines

I have been obsessed with sequencing lately. I’ve been researching, hours on end, taking notes, and have created 4 different sequences. Instead of just choosing random postures, I have been reading about proper sequencing, focusing on peak poses.

First of all I had no idea that there are some postures that shouldn’t go together (that seem like they would). For example warrior II and warrior I.

Here is warrior 2 as you can see the hips are open, and from what I learned the legs are externally rotated

Here is an awesome picture of warrior I pose. I am not a big fan of this pose, which means I should do it. The reason I don’t like it, is my very tight heel refuses to go down on the back leg. As you can see the hips here are facing towards the front leg, and so is the torso. Here the legs are internally rotated. This guy’s got it goin’!

 

On top of learning all this, I also learned that externally rotated postures should come before internally rotated postures in a sequence. This makes it much safer in practicing yoga. I created sequences based on this fact.

There are many ways to sequence a yoga practice, some traditions have ready sequences (like Bikram) but if you go to a regular yoga studio you are likely to find a variety of sequences. Some might focus on a peak pose (as I have done) others may just be an arc class (warming up, complex postures, cooling down) and others may not focus on the postures at all but on some other aspect of yoga: chakras, restorative yoga … etc. I chose the simplest of these, what I had information on: peak poses. The information I am writing about today comes from the book: Yoga Sequencing: Designing Transformative Yoga Classes by Mark Stephens.

A peak pose can be any pose, and what it means to create a sequence based on a peak pose, is to intelligently create a sequence in which all postures that lead up to the peak pose are placed there in order to open and stabilize the body in such a way that once you get to the peak pose, your body is prepared to perform it at its best ability. Stevens explains that once at the peak pose it is encouraged to stay there, work through it a few times, before moving on. The rest of the sequence uses counterposes out of the peak pose, and the regular sequencing of yoga classes. I created four such classes this weekend, but today I would like to talk about a particular one, and its effect on me.

The sequence, while including many postures I usually do, was like none other sequence I have done. The peak pose for my sequence was standing head to knee pose.

 

As you can see there are three basic steps to this pose. You lift your leg up and get it straight (this may take years, it took me two years to get both my standing leg and lifted leg straight). Then you bring your body down (I have tried this many times and toppled over every time) I never made it to tucking my head to my knee. That is the completion of the pose. It is a very difficult pose to do. In the past I was terrified of it, my knees screamed every time I attempted it. But slowly, with patience, and caution (always practice with caution) I was able to finally straighten my leg.

As I practiced my sequence, I had added a tadasana (standing straight with both legs planted on the ground, kind of like the vertical form of savasana (dead man’s pose) ) before standing head to knee in order to prepare my mind for my peak. I remembered my intention for my practice: my inner strength (something I rarely give myself credit for) and that I had it in me, not to complete the pose – that was not my goal, but to keep myself steady, and believe that I will not fall over, whether I brought my head to my knee was irrelevant, I just wanted to get in and out of the pose gracefully.

As I was thinking all of this heartlines from Florence and the Machine began to play (I was listening to my India playlist).

This is one of my favourite songs by the artist, but up until recently, I could not figure out what the song meant. The line that baffled me the most was: “just follow the heartlines on your hand”. I remember the first time I decided that I loved this song, and listened to the lyrics, I looked at my hand and thought heartlines?

Now don’t get me wrong, I consider myself to be a pretty intelligent person, but when it comes to deciphering songs, I don’t trust my interpretations. As I sat watching my hand, I saw:

veins on the exterior part of my hands, and creases on my palms.

So if we were to choose veins: veins lead to arteries, which lead to the heart, so if we were to follow them, we would end up at the heart eventually.

If we were to choose creases: they don’t lead anywhere, but it is believed by some people that the creases on our lines foretell our future/personality … etc.

But even thinking this I was still lost.

Then yoga happened.

Yoga has taught me that by focusing our thoughts inward, by paying attention to our breathing (which brings us to the present moment) we begin to experience something. This sounds kooky but bear with me. Before yoga I was very insecure, negative, generally lost. Yoga has literally and figuratively transformed me. To bring it into perspective for those that don’t know me, doing this, writing a public blog would have been a nightmare for me back then. Going to India to do a yoga teacher training wasn’t even on my radar, and learning to live in an area of Canada that still seems foreign sometimes, and remain happy through all of the language barriers, lack of city life as I am used to, and lack of husband at the moment, was beyond my abilities. By getting on my mat every day, I found a part of myself I had silenced a long, long time ago. And we all have silenced it.

In another book that I am reading, The Secret Power of Yoga: A Woman’s Guide to the Heart and Spirit of the Yoga Sutras the author, Nischala Joy Devi, explains this wonderfully:

When the cells begin to form into a fetus in the womb, the first organ that is developed is the heart. The heart beats on its own during this brief moment of human life. Our essence, our being, or our energy, is first witnessed here in the heart. Later on the brain forms, but the brain doesn’t take over right away. Even after birth, the newborn baby is always escaping consciousness and delving back into the unconscious. Life, the ego, and the mind have not corrupted this pure state. Slowly the brain takes over, and that essence, that purity is lost. But it’s not gone.

We have all experienced moments of perfect clarity, of knowing something was right, even though we couldn’t explain it. That is our essence, that is our true self coming through, without the doubts, fears, past experiences the brain transmits though our bodies.

There is another set of lines that helped me realize what this song meant to me:

In some way, I’m there with you
Up against the wall, on a Wednesday afternoon

Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Keep it up, I know you can.
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand,
Cause I am

Why does she mention Wednesday afternoon? What a weird thing to add into a song right? Well think about it, we usually start the week ready to tackle whatever comes our way, but by Wednesday we feel drained, maybe lost, and maybe depressed. But that essence, our true nature, love, our energy (whatever you want to call it) is still there, if we look deep enough.

That is what yoga has helped me find, my true essence. I no longer fear venturing out into the world and making friends in this place. I no longer second guess my decisions, and ask for other people’s acceptance in what I choose to do, and I no longer accept other people’s interpretation of me, because I know myself now.

That is what I remembered on my mat before practicing standing head to knee pose. That all I have to do is remember, that there is a part of me that never changes, that whether I fail at this, or succeed, I will still be me. I can fall down a thousand times, I can make many mistakes in my life, I can cry, get angry, feel lonely, but that essence is still there, always was, and always will be. I’m not just this body that sometimes refuses to move the way I would like it to, I am more than this, I am ME, and you are YOU.

So when I got into standing head to knee pose, not only did I straighten my leg, but I brought my head down to my knee, on both legs!!! The first two times I fell out, but on the third, I stayed, breathed and came out gracefully. And I did it calmly and peacefully, knowing that the goal of any pose is not to perfect it (you can never perfect a pose since the body changes every day) but to experience it knowing that even if I fall out of the pose, it didn’t matter, because in yoga I had found something even more valuable than a yoga pose, I found me.

That is what the song means to me. We will get lost, we will feel pain, we will fall down, but all we have to do is follow our heartlines, follow the path back to our essence, to who we truly are, to our goals and dreams. What you thought you could be but believed impossible, is there waiting for you in your heart. Just keep following the heartlines on your hand.

Namaste 🙂

Here is a link to the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDctTYbRYSg

Unexpected contentment

It’s funny how a little planning can change your perception. I came up with a routine the other day, that enables me to enjoy my free time, do yoga, and also feel productive. The little step of making a routine has changed everything. However, I must say, J’s news the other day of coming home earlier than expected probably helped as well.

In general this weekend went much better than expected.. So much so that driving to a friend’s house to celebrate her birthday on friday, I had an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. How funny, I was happy and peaceful here in northern Quebec, alone. On top of that, I was going to a social event, something that usually gets me on edge (I’m a sever introvert at times – especially when J leaves). And, add to that I was driving to a part of town that I don’t know very well, without the GPS (because J has it). That alone would have sent me into panic mode before. The feeling of peace and contentment followed me throughout the weekend. May long weekend, the weekend I was afraid of, ended up being a weekend surrounded by peace, and great music. I have even started compiling a list of songs for my playlist to India, and have even chosen the song that is to be my theme song for my journey, my anchor (I will reveal that later).

If someone were to ask how does yoga help you off the mat, this weekend would be one of those examples. The overwhelming sense of peace, of a deep knowledge, even when it can’t be explained, that everything is as it should be, and finding peace in that. Looking back to even last year, this would have been impossible in my life. Now it’s unimaginable that it ever was a different way.

The weekend I dreaded was filled with joy and contentment. Don’t get me wrong, I miss J terribly, and every noise I hear outside I secretly hope its him returning home to surprise me (I wouldn’t put it past him to do something like that 🙂 ) but I have found peace, where before there was only chaos and confusion.

This morning, while I was doing my yoga practice, something the instructor on my downloaded session said struck me. I was doing moksha yoga, and the instructor was talking about the importance of the breath in yoga:

This is not about the pose you are in right now. It’s about life. This is about traffic jams, arguments, stressful situations. Can you take this peacefulness you have created with your breath into your life.

Can I find peace in chaos? I think I can, and I have. At that moment (we were in warrior 2) I focused on my breath, I had a faint smile on my face (as the instructor had suggested) and I knew I had found it, not only in the pose, but in life – this weekend.

The importance of this moment is beyond my capacity to explain. This was my goal setting out this year. I did it. I found peace, and I am genuinely happy, at a time a few months ago I would have sworn that I would be filled with pain and anger (due to not being posted). But this is not the case, and I owe it all to yoga. On my mat I have found peace but I have also found strength, and knowledge within myself.

And I know, life is not this easy, there will be times that I will falter and I will not breathe, but instead react to a stressful situation, or a traffic jam, but I now know that there is another way, and I believe that I if continue down this path, this awareness will become more accessible to me. For today, I am very proud that I got through the weekend happy and content. I am grateful for everything I have learned on my mat, and I am ready to continue on with my journey and see where the rest of the year is going to take me.