Unexpected contentment

It’s funny how a little planning can change your perception. I came up with a routine the other day, that enables me to enjoy my free time, do yoga, and also feel productive. The little step of making a routine has changed everything. However, I must say, J’s news the other day of coming home earlier than expected probably helped as well.

In general this weekend went much better than expected.. So much so that driving to a friend’s house to celebrate her birthday on friday, I had an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. How funny, I was happy and peaceful here in northern Quebec, alone. On top of that, I was going to a social event, something that usually gets me on edge (I’m a sever introvert at times – especially when J leaves). And, add to that I was driving to a part of town that I don’t know very well, without the GPS (because J has it). That alone would have sent me into panic mode before. The feeling of peace and contentment followed me throughout the weekend. May long weekend, the weekend I was afraid of, ended up being a weekend surrounded by peace, and great music. I have even started compiling a list of songs for my playlist to India, and have even chosen the song that is to be my theme song for my journey, my anchor (I will reveal that later).

If someone were to ask how does yoga help you off the mat, this weekend would be one of those examples. The overwhelming sense of peace, of a deep knowledge, even when it can’t be explained, that everything is as it should be, and finding peace in that. Looking back to even last year, this would have been impossible in my life. Now it’s unimaginable that it ever was a different way.

The weekend I dreaded was filled with joy and contentment. Don’t get me wrong, I miss J terribly, and every noise I hear outside I secretly hope its him returning home to surprise me (I wouldn’t put it past him to do something like that 🙂 ) but I have found peace, where before there was only chaos and confusion.

This morning, while I was doing my yoga practice, something the instructor on my downloaded session said struck me. I was doing moksha yoga, and the instructor was talking about the importance of the breath in yoga:

This is not about the pose you are in right now. It’s about life. This is about traffic jams, arguments, stressful situations. Can you take this peacefulness you have created with your breath into your life.

Can I find peace in chaos? I think I can, and I have. At that moment (we were in warrior 2) I focused on my breath, I had a faint smile on my face (as the instructor had suggested) and I knew I had found it, not only in the pose, but in life – this weekend.

The importance of this moment is beyond my capacity to explain. This was my goal setting out this year. I did it. I found peace, and I am genuinely happy, at a time a few months ago I would have sworn that I would be filled with pain and anger (due to not being posted). But this is not the case, and I owe it all to yoga. On my mat I have found peace but I have also found strength, and knowledge within myself.

And I know, life is not this easy, there will be times that I will falter and I will not breathe, but instead react to a stressful situation, or a traffic jam, but I now know that there is another way, and I believe that I if continue down this path, this awareness will become more accessible to me. For today, I am very proud that I got through the weekend happy and content. I am grateful for everything I have learned on my mat, and I am ready to continue on with my journey and see where the rest of the year is going to take me.

Moments of knowledge

This morning after my morning yoga practice I thought of something. I remember when I began yoga, back when I only knew of bikram yoga, and wondering if I will ever be good at it. I remember being in the hot room and attempting easy poses such as triangle, and looking in wonderment at the people around me who could almost or fully touch their toes with their fingers, and I could barely get my elbow beside my knee. I remember thinking that I will never be good at this.

I also remember the general feelings I had during that time when I began yoga. The negativity and self-doubt would pour over me right when the instructor came into the room and we began pranayama breathing. Attempting to keep up with the rhythm of the group was nearly impossible. I would almost choke on my own breath. I couldn’t lean my neck back fully and looked strained while everyone else looked relaxed.

I ddint realize it then, but thinking about it now, I had a whirlwind of negative thoughts and emotions, past experiences, and a negative self-image swirling around me, suffocating me, and controlling my every move, my every breath, my whole practice.

I had a hard practice this morning, for many reasons, but I realized in triangle that I was calm. Amongst the storm inside me I remained calm and as focused as I could be at that time.

After my practice I tried to imagine what my practice used to be like. The sense of panic, anxiety, self-doubt came back, i could almost taste it. I know I have begun to overcome this, but I also know something else, it’s still there trying to make its way back in. It was so close in my imagination, that I knew that if I didn’t stay focused on my path, that self-doubt, that sense of loss I felt, might come back.

I don’t see this as a bad thing though. The fact that in only four months my whole practice has changed, gives me so much hope. Not only has my physical practice changed, but my inner dialogue has also begun to shift. I can’t say the negativity is gone, but I recognize it now. And by imagining myself back to where I was years ago, I see how much I have changed.

Before I wouldn’t have had the courage to get up every morning and face myself on the mat. I would have convinced myself not to go to teacher training, I would have found a million excuses to give up on this yoga thing. It would have been so easy to just give it up. But now, I am accountable, I owe it to myself, I have seen the positive change, I have tasted it, and I don’t want to go back to having closed doors.

I am learning that yoga teaches me every day. It allows me to gain moments of knowledge through memories and ways in which i have grown. My body speaks to me every day, and my inner self radiates through my postures if I pay attention. I feel as if these newest challenges in my journey, plough and crow, have opened new doors, new opporunities for discovery and healing for me. I get nervous before these postures, but I meet them head on every day. Whether I get into the pose is irrelevant because each and every time I attempt them I learn something, I gain a moment of knowledge.

It hasn’t been lost on me, that plow pose gets its name from the tool used to plow fields. In case you’re wondering (I didn’t know what a plow was used for) a plow is used to turn the soil. Basically it’s to prepare the soil for sowing. If you take this definition and apply it to the posture it makes a lot of sense. I read this morning that yoga poses get their names for very specific reasons. The plow pose has gotten its name due to the way the body looks, but also because in this pose the practitioner literally plows their soul. In the pose, if one learns to find calmness in it, we can slowly begin to rid our souls/bodies of the fear, negativity, and anything else holding us back, and allow ourselves to grow.

I find it quite interesting that in the last few days, I have had various memories, thoughts, and feelings come up in my practice and during the day afterwards, as if something inside me is trying to speak to me.

My year of living yoga, and taking on plow pose are definitely a challenge, and the lessons could have easily been lost on me if I had allowed fear to win. But as long as I continue to face my mat, and practice wholeheartedly I believe I will continue to learn, and slowly put all the pieces together in order to take a step forward on this path.