I don’t have many possessions, I often kid with J that I would leave him few things if I were to die: my cat, my DVD’s, my ipad, my Honda Civic – Electra (named due to the many times she shocked me), my yoga mat, and the money I have saved – nothing that would change his life, financially, in any real way. But all of these things mean a lot to me. Most signify key points of freedom and determination to get my life back on track.
Tomorrow I’m giving one of those things up, my car. When I returned from Greece I had no car, I had nothing other than the clothes on my back and a room waiting for me in the house I grew up in. I went from living from albeit paycheque to paycheque but living independently, to living at home, in the suburbs, in Winnipeg where nothing happens and there’s no where to go. I knew that if I were to survive living at home for as long as I had to, I needed freedom – I needed a car. I also needed a job. So the first thing I did was look for work. I ended up finding a job out of town at a swanky country restaurant. It didn’t pay very well, and the drive was no that great, but I had a job, all I needed now was a car. I was starting to work there a week after my interview, so I had seven days to find a car. I was told by various family members that I was crazy to think I could find, deal and have a car in the driveway in seven days. I was determined to prove them wrong, and I did. I found Electra.
She was the fist sign that I was getting my life back on track, and from the day that she became mine, until now (9.5 years later) she has always been there for me. She may now be a little rusty and warn around the edges, but I will never forget that she gave me freedom when I felt trapped in a life I thought I had put in my past. She moved me out of my parents house into my very fist apartment. She moved me into my first condo. And later moved me into J’s condo. She has been broken into in -40 degree weather in downtown Winnipeg. She’s been in two car accidents (one of which was on the day J was leaving for Afghanistan – talk about adding on stress – luckily it was a minor accident but nonetheless it was not needed on that day!) She has moved J, my cat, and me to Quebec trailer in tow, she has never let me down driving to Montreal and back these last 4.5 years (other than her temperamental refusal to start fiasco last winter – but with a little tender love and car she calmed down and came back to best friend status in no time). She has a Canadian flag sticker on her dashboard to remind me of what I had taken for granted when I ran away to Greece. Her passenger side door sticks on lock randomly and she is a little rusty, but she has been and will be a wonderful companion because tomorrow, I am giving her away. My time with her is done.
I am feeling a bit emotional over this, and for good reason. She was the beacon of hope when I had no hope, and she’s been there through everything from the time I came back from Greece up until now. But I know deep in my heart it is time to say good bye. Her time in my life is done. She’s done was she was meant to do because now I am on my feet and my past is behind me. It’s time for new adventures and new friends.
Today begins a series of goodbyes, some of things we will be leaving behind in saguenay, and of friends who we may or may not see again. I am not fond of goodbyes, they’ve always kind of scared me, but maybe we never really do have to say goodbye because even if things or people remain in our past they are still a part of the events and experiences that make us who we are today. In a way, we carry everyone we meet, and every experience we’ve had in our hearts because without these things we wouldn’t be who we are today.
I know that without the purchase of my car I wouldn’t have found the courage to get up and move on with my life. I would have been stuck. I also know without the many friends that I have made here in saguenay I wouldn’t have found the courage to get out of my comfort zone and meet people I wouldn’t have met if it weren’t for J being in the military. Each person I met gave me a little more hope and a little more courage to attempt this military wife thing for real. Each friend has led me to today. Each experience has led me to here. And so I will not say goodbye because my first car, my friends, my experience will forever remain in my heart. So instead, I will say until we meet again, because one day I know we will – whether it be in our memories, or for real, we will always be connected.
My first car will always be my first car, so Electra, thank you for giving me the courage to start anew and see the world with a different view. I will never forget the feeling of driving around in my first car, knowing that even though I didn’t know how – I knew I’d be ok. I will miss you, but I promise you have years in you still and you’ll make someone else very happy. Until we meet again dear friend.
I look at my cat and we both know its time to welcome the morning.
I crawl out of bed.
Prepare for my morning ritual.
As I breathe I hear the sounds that welcome me to this sacred time. I smell the smells that remind me that Mother Earth is always working.
I bow down and welcome the morning.
I bow down and allow the magic to transform me.
I have a confession to make … I get up really early in the morning to avoid talking to other people. I enjoy being alone in the still morning. It’s still dark outside, there are no engines running, some birds have begun to chirp.
The stillness of the morning is a magical time. it’s the time of day where all the magic happens to form the day and so, there is a sense of peace during this time.
Its almost a religious experience for me, I find that it is at this time that I most marvel at the miracles of life: the sun rising and the colours surrounding it, the birds beginning their day, the smell of dew coming from outside.
It’s my favourite time of day.
So, whenever I got up to exercise in the past, and when I started this year-long journey, I have made and make the effort to get up as early as I can.
This is such an obsession of mine, that last year when I met J in Hawaii, the next morning, still jet-legged, I jumped out of bed and met the sun in Hawaii for some sun salutations – I will never forget that scene.
Back to my confession, this morning I got up and noticed the lights were on on the main floor (where I do yoga). I knew J had gotten out of bed, but wanted to be sure he was awake and not sleeping in our second bedroom. So, I prepared for yoga, grabbed my ipad and headed downstairs. He was awake and had been woken up by a cat which had been left outside and was crying early in the morning. I reminded him of my rule of bringing our cat in when I go to bed, and how every pet owner should do the same for the safety of their pet and courtesy to their neighbours.
I couldn’t ask J to go back to bed, so I took my mat upstairs to practice in our bedroom.
I have to admit I was a bit annoyed. I enjoy the morning because its just me and my mat, and at first I felt that the sacred time had been tainted. But as I rolled out my mat upstairs I realized life is not always sacred. While yoga, for me, is a spiritual practice, the surroundings cannot always be perfect. There will always be someone who’ll walk in late to yoga class, or walk out early. There will always be interruptions, like my cat, or life happening around me. My job is to not allow these things interrupt the joy I feel from practicing. And so I began, honouring what today is, a morning where everyone in my house is awake.
As I began my practice in the place where my journey had begun months ago, I realized something else.
Last winter, when my challenge began, I used to practice in my room exclusively. And today as I got into half moon, as I went through my sun salutations, and practiced new variations, I realized something.
As I thought of how I used to practice and my practice now, the changes were overwhelming. My practice has changed so much. Back then I couldn’t hold half moon if my life depended on it, now it’s a staple in my practice. Today I practiced forearm headstand, that would have never happened back then. Back then I would do bridge and wish that I could one day do wheel, again another staple. My downward dog today is not even comparable to my downward dog back then. People think downward dog is an easy pose, it’s not. Back then I know I used to slack in it, my back was not straight, my shoulders were not pulled back, my hips were not high enough. That’s ok, each pose is a process, today my downward dog is smoother, lighter, and stronger. Transitioning from chaturanga to down dog is fluid, strong and I feel great doing it (not at all how I felt before – tired, out of breath, and the opposite of fluid).
Even the way I practice has changed. I am more confident on my mat, just sitting on it quiets my mind and calms my breathing. I take my time, and listen to what my body is telling me. I went from struggling to breathe through postures, fearing other postures, to becoming calm and steady through out my practice, and at times, through out my life.
I have had to have a lot of patience lately (still do) and today reminded me that like my poses that seemed so out of reach only a few months ago, and like my practice which has changed so much,
so to with life – things seem out of reach, or inaccessible. Life appears to be really difficult at times, but just like my practice things are changing all of the time. Just like Mother Nature is continuously working and the earth goes through it’s cycle, so do we, so does life. There is beauty and growth in every moment. The magic happens in every moment, we just need to sit still, or change our scenery, to notice how beautiful and magical life is.
I read an article this morning that asked the question what is your life? I closed my eyes and my answer was clear in my mind: yoga.
Here is what I mean:
I realized something today. I had a strong practice this morning (I’ll get to that in a bit) I was in the middle of a vinyasa and it occurred to me, I was moving through it with fluidity, strength, following each breath – I was in fact doing yoga and in the moment. It occurred to me just how far I had come. A few months ago doing a full vinyasa with full plank (adho mukha svanasana), four limbed staff pose (chaturanga dandasana), and upward facing dog (urdhva mukha svanasana), each pose in a single inhale or exhale was impossible.
A few months ago, I felt like I needed a break during plank to catch my breath, during chaturanga, as I exhaled, I felt like my life was escaping through my breath, and in upward dog (when I did attempt it) I couldn’t inhale all the way, instead frantically trying to get some air into my lungs.
Today, and lately in general, my practice has been strong. Not only that, but I have learned (although reluctantly at first) to listen to my body. Yesterday, I wanted to do wheel/upward bow (urdhva danurasana) twice (it was not in my sequence but my mind was hell-bent on doing that pose again). I finished my first, sat in savasana for a couple of breaths and began to do it again, but my upper body would not budge from my mat, I laid back down and was about to try again when I listened to my body, I knew in that moment, I wasn’t going to do wheel again that day, and I was ok with that. I listened and I had a great practice. Today I listened and I learned that each practice is a great practice, and my mind, my soul, and my body are getting stronger every day.
Each morning I begin my day with a cup of lukewarm water and half a lemon squeezed into it.
I sit in silence (literally alone even my cat thinks it’s too early to get out of bed) and immediately open to a wonderful book: “Meditations from the Mat: Daily Reflections on the path of yoga” written by Rolf Gates. I say immediately because the book is on my ipad, and I make it a point to not open facebook or email until after my yoga practice (this is very hard to do but I’ve managed not to). I read a chapter of this book (each chapter is about a page or two, and is reflection of a thought, a yama, an experience or a lesson). I use the chapter as my intention as it pertains to me in my life that day. After reading the chapter, I reread it, this time highlighting words/sentences that get me thinking. I then shut off my ipad and finish my lemon water, reflect, and prepare myself for my practice.
Today’s reading reminded me of my yoga off the mat challenge I had done in May, more specifically on my practice of sauca (mental purity – no complaining or gossiping) and samaskaras (mindless behaviour and practicing staying focused and mindful of my actions and thoughts). It reminded me of these things because the chapter was about speaking the truth. Both, noticing and attempting to change our mindless behaviours and sauca, pertain to our own truths. By not complaining or gossiping we begin to actually say what we truly feel, or what we truly want to say, rather than hide behind the ugly masks of complaining and gossiping. Furthermore, coming to terms with our mindless behaviours (such as going on facebook, procrastinating for no reason other than we are lazy …) brings us to our truth, that we are stronger than what we believe, and if we attempt to change these behaviours we find our strength and learn to actually enjoy every moment, and be happy with ourselves. There were some ideas in my reading this morning that reminded me just how far I have come with yoga.
“little by little we notice, and then drop, our old habits of embellishment, minimization, self-aggrandizement, omission, rationalization, and exaggeration”
“an intimacy develops with our own truth. Ultimately our truth becomes all there is”
Today’s practice I focused on my personal truth, to always express it. The practice was magical (sorry for the corniness but seriously that is the best word to describe it). Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perfect, but that’s what was magical. It was honest, it was my truth, my voice shining through each posture. I felt connected to my breath throughout the practice, and even felt more alive than any other given moment, it was wonderful.
At one point, as I was getting into pigeon pose – a variation to one-legged king pigeon pose (, Eka Pada Rajakapotasana),
it dawned on me, my practice (each and every one of them) was beautiful, yoga has opened up my consciousness and my heart. I realized my heart was truly open to every experience, every fall, every satisfied attempt at a pose, and through out my whole life. In that moment, my eyes welled up and I realized yoga is my world. This sounds crazy I know, and a few months ago if someone had said this to me I probably would have smacked them over the head (in a loving way) and told them to get a grip, but I am not kidding here, I heart yoga!
My peak pose today was camel (ustrasana).
I have a love hate relationship with this pose. I love it because its difficult to do and getting into it is an accomplishment, but I hate it because I know I could improve it. So I made a sequence dedicated to preparing for camel. At first I really didn’t want to do the sequence, but I made myself get on my mat and decided to not be gripped by my fear, and to not expect perfection either. I instead, allowed the sequence, my asanas to lead me and decided whatever happened, happened. But with this intention in mind, an amazing thing happened, I realized that I just knew that I could do the pose. It wasn’t that I was incapable before, I just found it hard and so I would give up and not push my hips forward. But while in my practice as camel came nearer and nearer, I just knew, once I got there I would do it, and you know what? I did. I had no stress, no worries about my back, no tension in my neck, I was relaxed and focused. Today was one of the strongest practices I have ever had.
During my practice this morning, as I moved from asana to asana it occurred to me that I was not afraid any longer. I don’t mean that I have no fears, that is definitely not the case, put me in some skis at the edge of a mountain and you will see me tremble with fear, but my fear isn’t crippling me any longer. If I am going to be completely honest here, I should tell you a secret. I haven’t told anyone this (except for J) but I have been practicing supported headstand (salamba sirsasana) prep almost every day. This (and some other poses) have been fears that I didn’t even want to acknowledge a few weeks ago. But ever since my experience on vacation of forcefully getting upside down, I have made it my mission to face this fear every time I get on my mat. I don’t know if I will ever fully do a headstand, and frankly that is not my goal, my goal is to listen and learn and see my world from a new perspective (in this case upside down).
I read something this morning that explains this shift in my mind. These ideas come from the article “Five things we can learn from our mistakes” by Sylvia Mordini. People often come to the mat seeking answers, but what people don’t realize (including myself) is that the asanas are not the answers, they are the questions. Each asana shows us where we need to realign our values, our beliefs, and our fears. By testing ourselves in the postures (by going a little further, trying a more advanced version, attempting a headstand, or dedicating a sequence on a pose that brought out fear in the past) we begin to realign our thoughts and behaviours. Each leap into the unknown brings us that much closer to our truth.
Here are the things we can learn from our postures, what questions are they answering:
1. holding back and staying in your comfort zone – how do you hold yourself back in your life?
2. getting angry and upset at yourself for falling or making mistakes – do you put yourself down in your mind and hold yourself to being perfect?
3. allow the ego to take over the practice – (look above)
4. blame those around you for falling – do you blame the world, traffic, long lines … for your “troubles”?
5. stand around and watch everyone else do the pose – do you watch others live their life and wish you could do the things they do but do nothing to make yourself happy?
6. live with regret for not attempting to reach for your intentions (look above)
In the past (and I’m sure some of them will creep up on me again) I have done all of these things at one point or another, on and off the mat.
Here are the five things we learn from our mistakes:
1. release your addiction to fear – move forward into the unknown with a positive perspective.
2. let go of regrets – forgiveness
3. find solutions more quickly – think outside the box
4. be less critical and less judgmental – accept yourself and others as they are
5. learn to not give up at first sign of discomfort or failure – believe in yourself
At one point or another I have learned and known these things in my heart on and off the mat.
I have a had a particularly hard week this week. I don’t want to, and will not, go into the details as to why it was difficult, let’s just say I had to face some harsh realities about life this week and try with all of my might to find understanding, balance, and lessons throughout these experiences. In the midst of all this, there was something nagging at me. A knowledge that everything would be ok, and that I had it in me to get through this. With the disappointment of not getting posted again, and many other things, I knew deep in my bones that I was where I was meant to be. Today I read a quote that highlighted wonderfully the nagging feeling I had all week while my mind felt lost and confused:
“may today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us” Mother Theresa
(I am planning on leading a class one day and beginning the practice with this quote – I will dedicate a whole practice to this because I wholeheartedly believe we can all find this truth on our mats).
My truth had been speaking to my in my gut all week but I was unsure what to make of it. I wrote a post about it earlier on in the week “Ahimsa” where I began to explore the ideas that were brewing in my soul. This morning it was as if, it all became clear in my practice, and I just knew I was on the right path and that not only would i get through this but that I had it in me to grow from this experience, my questions would be answered because I continued to hold my head high amongst the chaos, I didn’t allow fear to hold me down, I moved through life (as in each asana) with positivity.
I realize this post is quite me-centred and I struggled whether to post it or not, but I truly believe that if you are reading this I might just spark something inside of you to grab onto a belief, feeling, or knowledge that has been nagging at you and maybe you too can begin to create happiness in your life. So I leave you with this question: What is your life?
This morning I went back to my roots. I wanted to remind myself of something important : I can, and I am. This morning when I woke up, I felt powerless, that I couldn’t do yoga this morning, not because I was tired or sick or injured, but because I didn’t believe in myself. This is not something new for me, I often second guess my abilities, my strengths, my knowledge, everything. So today I focused on believing in myself, and the bad habit of selling myself short.
So I went back to my roots. I did bikram yoga (one set of each due to working this morning). When I thought of doing it this is what I thought : half moon is too hard, my knees are weak, I can’t do last standing posture, camel is scary. Reality: I can do all of these postures. And as I lay in bed I realized I was making a story in my head, a story my body and my heart believe – that I am not good at yoga, I’m not good at these postures, and that I will never be good at them. Truth is, and I know this, I can do them, and have gotten very good at them (I’m even getting my body down in standing head to knee pose – right leg up, and keeping it there) that’s progress. Three years ago if you told me that I would be doing that posture I would call you crazy (back then I couldn’t even straighten my leg let alone stay up there!) that would have been crazy talk!
It’s about time I challenge these beliefs about myself with real life evidence. So this morning I did. I went to my basics to show myself that not only can I do it, I AM doing it every day.
I have a confession to make though, I could not bring myself to unplug myself from the Internet and/or my iPad today. No judgement though, it’s eye-opening really. Tomorrow is a new day.
Day 2 Thursday
Last weekend I had downloaded some new yoga sequences from itunes, (podcasts). I had no idea what they would be, but the same instructor had a guided mediation I liked, and so I figured her Yoga class can’t be that bad. This morning i quickly scanned the yoga class before attempting it and realized there weren’t many floor series poses. I decided to do it anyways, even though I felt strange about the lack of floor series. The title of the sequence was be a warrior.
It was a pretty moving sequence, emotionally and physically. Last weekend I felt lost after having felt very very centered. This was heartbreaking for me. If I needed any reminders, this class reminded me of them. I can always find my center, it’s always there.
We can always feel powerful, connected, peaceful if we just look inside. We all have a light inside, a spark – you can call it life force, god, light, energy, whatever – we all have it and once we recognize it in ourselves, we see it in the people that touch our lives as well.
Having found my center, I am more determined to continue with my challenge, and take my mind, my habits where they haven’t been before – because I am a a warrior.
I practiced unplugging myself today, but only for 15 minutes. I realized that an hour was too daunting, I needed to take it step by step. In yoga, you don’t begin with difficult postures right away, you will probably hurt yourself if you do, it’s the same in life and in this situation, I need to take it step by step.
At first my mind was running a mile a minute (I was not trying to meditate so I just let my mind go where it wanted). I kept saying things like – I wish I could check my email, this is going to feel like forever, just a peek on Facebook, but I did none of these things, and slowly my mind began to relax. I started thinking. At this time I was reading my book and had just read a passage about forgiveness and communication. Consciousness is spread from the heart to the body (you can see this as the fetus develops – this action never ends, however when our mind develops we believe our consciousness resides in our mind – our ego – yoga helps us realize that this is not so, it resides in our heart). And so the passage I was reading was describing that not only does knowledge spread from the heart, but misunderstanding does as well. I thought of the misunderstanding with my sister a few days ago. The author asked if we could forgive the person, even if we believe ourselves to be right, and can we instead find happiness – is it more important to be happy or right?
I thought about this, and in my silence it became so clear, of course I forgive the misunderstanding, and I accept wholeheartedly that my sister and I might not agree on all things, but I love her and I want her to be happy, and my relationship with her is a thousand times more important that being right, or changing her mind.
I also realized that there may be people in my life that have hurt me, that I don’t quite understand, that I wish I could help but refuse to help themselves, turning away from them is not the answer. When I do this I ignore the sameness that resides in all of us. While, allowing them to enter my life in away that it becomes toxic is not the answer, open communication, validation of their humanity, and always responding with my heart open – knowing that I am powerful enough to accept them into my life but not affect the knowledge the sacred knowing that I have found – is. All in 15 minutes my friends, just imagine if I can sit without plugging myself into the outside world for an hour.
Day 3 Friday
Today’s mantra before practice : to stay focused on my tasks. I visualized what it feels like to work in my office at the moment – because of all of the papers and general mess I feel : anxiety, depressed, unable to concentrate, unable to write causing me to write on my iPad which is causing pain in my wrists and neck, frustrated that I didn’t tend to this earlier, general discomfort.
I then visualized what it would feel like if I cleaned it all up : a sanctuary where I can write and be with my thoughts, welcoming, relaxed, happy, comforting.
I knew by visualizing it I would try to remain focused.
This morning I practiced an improvised sequence. I felt like meditating my way through yoga, without an instructor, without any ques. I practiced a hatha flow yoga, focusing on my breath, and included reverse warrior (which I am beginning to love),
humble warrior,
crow,
toe stand,
shoulder stand
and plow.
I realized in crow that even before getting my feet off the mat I still had those negative mantras floating in my mind “I can’t do this” I immediately said aloud to remind myself: I might not be able to do this perfectly, but I am doing it to the best of my ability, so I am doing it. As I said this I prepared to try one more time, and that one shift in thinking allowed me to hover just a little longer before I toppled over. I was able to also get my body down to my leg again on standing head to knee pose yay!
Today’s challenge began with 10 minute of unplugging myself from the Internet and enjoying my tea. I will also do an active mediation while cleaning today. I will have music playing in the background (my India playlist) but instead of every few minutes checking my emails, my Facebook page, everything and anything on the Internet, I will unplug myself, and focus on my task.
I just finished my active mediation, all together with all of the cleaning and organizing (dishes, tidying up, mowing the lawn, hanging the laundry outside, and the office) it took me an hour. I spent the hour going from task to task, focused, relaxed, and happy. There were moments I began to panic at the daunting task of the office, but each time I did, I took a deep breath, remembered my intention, and continued on. I am now sitting in the office writing, I feel relaxed and at ease. My cat even has a spot to lay on the desk without sitting on papers. However, through out the process, especially nearing the end, I had moments where I wanted to go onto the computer. I noticed that I don’t have a great attention span (I bet due to our lifestyles of multi-tasking on devices etc) and when my attention begins to wain I want to quit and entertain myself a bit by going onto facebook, or my email. But when I do this, I lose perspective and the task I was wanting to get done in the first place becomes an interruption to my browsing. All I had to do was refocus my mind to the task (without having gone on the internet) and I got the task done.
Not only that, little tasks that came up in the midst of big tasks were done easily. Usually, if I am in the middle of doing dishes for example and I see that the recycling needs to be taken out, I get discouraged – one more thing on my list of things to do before i can relax (i.e. go on the internet/read/watch netflix). Today, because I had unplugged myself and was practicing an active mediation, I did them as they came along – no stress, no frustration, and no negativity. We cloud or minds with pointless habits, such as browsing facebook, that enjoyable tasks like making your home comfortable, become a nuisance. However, in the long run, by procrastinating on these tasks we make our environment miserable to be in. The cycle is vicious, and in some way we all do it. By practicing this active meditation I have allowed myself to witness these habits, and their effects on my life. It’s one thing to preach and to know we multitask, or procrastinate, its another to visually and actively see the detrimental effects of these habits.
Day 4 Saturday
Today is usually my day off from cleaning. Usually what happens on Saturdays is I lesson plan. Seeing as I am finished my contacts, I could clean today, but I am a creature of habit. I’ve decided to have a “me day” instead. Back in Winnipeg, when I was growing up, a “me day” consisted of me and my sister doing our nails, chatting, and a TV marathon of Buffy the vampire slayer. Since I no longer live with my sister, I plan to just relax, read, and enjoy the day. This does not mean that my challenge isn’t in effect, because it is. Today before yoga, I set my intention for the day – to be present. This was meant for on and off the mat. On the mat today I created a practice whose vocal point was crow pose. I’ve been neglecting this pose which means I haven’t improved at all. I needed to put it back into circulation into my routines. I chose to make it the vocal point in order to see where I need to tweak my positioning, timing, and just find balance in the pose once again. Crow pose came out of circulation due to my wrist acting up again. I swear whenever J leaves it decides to act up.
I was in quite a meditative state through out practice, a different experience than following a set sequence on my ipad app, Bikram, or Asthanga. While I am still struggling with crow, it was a very good practice. Today, while it is a me day, I’m going to keep myself present, and not fall into bad habits of just roaming around the Internet without any purpose. We’ll see how it goes.
I have become obsessed with creating sequences. A couple of days ago, I needed to just get on my mat, with no set sequence in mind, and just practice. This revolutionized my practice. I became obsessed with the meditative principle of not having some app dictate postures, or set series lead the way. I have become so obsessed that I bought another book (yes it’s my fourth this month, I know I have a SEVERE problem – I actually had put this book on my wish list – it didn’t stay there for too long). The book is called: The Art of Yoga Sequencing, so far its been a very interesting read. Today, I have decided for part of my me day, I will play around with yoga sequencing, create some sequences for myself for the next coming days. I am going to allow my heart and passion guide the way. I don,t know if this is a sign that I am itching to get to India (because I am) or if this is a part of the evolutionary process of allowing Yoga into my life, but I am loving this feeling, wherever it may be coming from.
I have learned a lot today about sequencing, preparing for postures, counter-poses, the art of sequencing, inner rotated standing postures vs outer rotated standing postures, the list goes on and on. In terms of keeping myself in the present moment and focused, I did a great job. The many benefits of this challenge are beginning to pop up all over my life: determination, passion, focus, happiness … great feeling today.
Day 5: Sunday
I’m slowly coming to the end of my off the mat challenge. I’ve started to think about the many things I have learned (and I will finish this off on tuesday with a more final comment) but I found a wonderful quote today that touched me:
“Turn every moment into a Sadhana (spiritual practice) of some kind. For example, when I’m walking from the hall to the canteen I simply focus on my breath. Make every moment sacred. That is the only way to remain disciplined.”
The Sacred is in every moment. And if we find it—by paying attention to our breath, or the feel of the Earth beneath our feet, or the connection with others— we begin to stay focused and disciplined, because we want to, the feeling of being present, really connecting to the moment is pure contentment, it’s almost addictive.
I have slowly begun to see many changes in the way I behave, my discipline, and the way I communicate with the world around me. I don’t want to give a lot of information here, I will just highlight this week, Tuesday will be more detailed.
By focusing on the various samskaras, and learning to stay in the moment, I came to realize that boredom, unhappiness, anxiety, comes from doing just that : mindless activity. We sell ourselves short by plopping down on the couch and surfing the net, or taking about what needs to get done around the house but not actually getting up to do it. I realize we can’t be perfect all of the time, but learning to focus, and realizing that life is worth more than wasting it on the couch, helps begin the process of eliminating negative behavioral patterns (or decreasing their frequency at least).
This week I stayed present in all of my activities, at some points even unplugging myself in order to do so, and the peace, happiness, thought processes that occurred were (and are) astonishing but also when I think about it, not so astonishing. I realized that each time I took a “break” from chores to check Facebook, or sat on the couch thinking about what I had to do, but checking Facebook/email instead for the fifth time, I was telling myself, through those actions, that my life was not important enough, my happiness wasn’t a priority. And so the tasks became chores, something I had to get through. Once I eliminated those behaviours, the tasks became fun. I kept my goal in mind (the tranquility of having an organized office) and I wanted nothing more than to get it done right. By making this my intention, the task that made me feel anxious, became fun. The anxiety that I felt, came from that mindlessness, the passive movement through my life. By staying focused and centered, I went from a passive observer, to an active participant in my life. I was aware of every movement and every choice, and I was happy.
So, I wholeheartedly believe that if we look for the sacred in every moment we will find happiness. We create our own lives by the choices we make. By actively choosing happiness, contentment, we make ourselves the priority in our lives.
Day 6 Monday
So I had a moment today, but it was brief. WordPress decided to delete one of my posts that I was in the process of writing, and in that moment I lost my cool. However, after a few not so nice words directed to my ipad and the wordpress app I took a few deep breaths and realized I could let this get to me, but it will not change the fact that my post was gone. So I decided to instead, accept this as my present moment, and continue on with my day, re write my post – on my desk top – and forget about this unpleasant moment. And that is what I did.
Today i practiced 40 minutes of getting unplugged. I put on my India playlist and let my mind take me wherever it wanted. I thought of many things during that time, but most notably I couldn’t ignore the feeling I had. I’m happy and content, and its all the time. I find myself with a goofy smile on my face most of the day, and I take pleasure in all of the every day tasks I need to do. This week, and this challenge in general, has really been an experience. I learned so much about myself:
the negativity that I brought into my life through my actions and thoughts.
Eating whatever was in front of me without thinking about WHAT I was eating, what it did to my body, and how it made me feel.
Compare that to now, where I’ve only made one loaf of bread since J left (I just made the second yesterday which is now in the freezer for when he comes home). Fruit is dessert, and I love it. And the elimination of meat did not cause me to lose weight, or be constantly hungry, I actually feel alive and clean from the inside out.
I actually had a funny moment today. I hadn’t made my meal for this week yet (when J is away I make one meal which lasts me at least 4 days), but still had some spaghetti left (whole wheat gluten free) but no sauce. I am a stickler for wasting food, and J usually gets tired of the same meal more than twice, so I have a habit of saving sauces, dishes in the freezer. I went rummaging in there today and found something that looked like my famous marinara sauce. So, I defrosted the mystery sauce. As I was waiting I could begin to smell it, and I knew right away it was my sauce, but something was strange about the smell. When it was finally done defrosting (at this point I was salivating at the thought of my veggie-filled sauce) I went to scoop some out, and guess what I found? Meat. I sat there, and for a moment, I thought, what’s the big deal, it smells so yummy!! But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t very well freeze it again, so I emailed a friend that I am seeing tomorrow to cook some noodles because I was bringing her some sauce :). I’ll have to make my marinara sauce when I return home from Montreal next week :).
I have one day left on this challenge, and I have to say I am excited to begin life with all of the knowledge and insights I have discovered. I’m anticipating having a meat-loving husband back home, and how we will deal with the very strange eating habits I have acquired while he was away. And dealing with real life, with all of its ups and down, with a more open and clear mind.
Day 7 Tuesday
Today is my last day of my challenge, and already this morning I feel so light. I practiced my half moon peak sequence this morning, and for the first time EVER I was able to do half moon without a block.
Here is half moon with a block, today, I got rid of the block and just had my fingertips on the ground in front of me.
It felt so freeing, I felt so sure of myself, in a pose I had never felt sure in up until now. I just knew I could do it. Last week I had put the block I usually use on the shorter end, and I just knew it was just a security blanket.
My intention this morning was honest and true connection – a lesson I learned in these last few weeks. I want to remember that. I obviously know I will have moments that I will fall, but now I know, I know the gift to connecting with people – really connecting, and I won’t forget it.
I read an article this evening that I believe closes this challenge very well for me. This challenge was in no way to perfect myself – that is not the point of yoga in any form. The point of the challenge, was just that, challenge myself, and see where I ended up. Along the way, I have been a little harsh with myself, often forgetting that I am only human and can’t remain in a yoga cocoon all of the time. But this too ended up being a part of the challenge: learning to accept myself the way I am at this moment, without regrets, judgements, or self-criticism. I believe in this, I succeeded.
I didn’t succeed because I will no longer complain, or get annoyed in traffic (that again is asking for perfection); I succeeded because I learned how different an outcome can be with some self-compassion, but also with compassion for everyone around us. Just like my intention I set for myself this morning: honest and true connection. Often times we lack a connection, we see the world as me against you: getting to work in the morning and feeling like everyone is getting in your way, going to pay for groceries only to find that there is a huge line in every open cashier .. the list can go on and on. The point is, if we take a moment, we will realize we are all in the same situation: trying to get by, trying to get to work, trying to get home, and in that we all carry our own unique baggage, concerns, stresses … etc. If we see that, we begin to see ourselves in every other person, and the anger, the annoyance, the name calling all disappears, and we are left with compassion.
Living yoga in a military wife's life 